Sunday, October 7, 2012

The Media is Full of Lies!!!

It's true; news networks put out tons of B.S: Obama is a pre-middle ages Jew who was cryogenically frozen to take over the American Empire, Romney is a Hungarian astronaut/spy. I'll tell you one thing, I'm never going to trust again.

However there is one lie the media keeps putting out there that really pisses me off, and I don't know how they keep getting away with it. The lie? That buying lingerie with the gf is a totally awesome experience.

If you've watched any teenage flicks, you know that they always show a guy lounged out on a pimp chair while flashing scenes of a chick in seductive poses wearing the skimpiest laced lingerie. This leads to a make out scene and possibly more depending on the movie rating.

So since I used to believe this lie, one valentine's day I took my girlfriend to Victoria's Secret as a gift to myself for being such a good boyfriend. I was excited to finally get my own live montage of a chick strutting around in bra and panties until we both give in to passion. It'd be just like in the movies... only the movies are full of shit!

First of all going to a chick underwear store is one of the worst places to bring your girl. There are huge posters of half naked chicks and of course they hire hot chicks for ambiance (plus one or two ugly ones to avoid any labor lawsuits).

These hot employees bounce around in tight clothes with big smiles and look you right in the eyes and ask how they can help you. Normally this is not something I would complain about, but  of course I can't look at any of it because I'm WITH MY GIRL!!! Of course if I didn't bring her I'd look like a big pervert.

So then you wander around the store with horse blinders on chick by your side, looking at hot pieces of lingerie. That sounds fun, but it's actually kind of awkward because you feel like you can't be yourself. Again, not trying to look like a pervert.

                Lingerie, negligees, bustiers... without spell-check this caption would have a lot more "ay's". 

When you find a few pieces the two of you like, your girl takes your hand; and with a naughty smile she leads you over to the dressing room. Who cares if you had to deal with a little bit of awkwardness in the showroom? Now you get all the intimacy you wanted in private. But as we head to the 4 foot x 4 foot paradise, we are obstructed by the smallest bouncer who has ever denied me entry. "Sorry, sir, you're going to have to wait out here."

 Like a little Nazi. A hot, petite, little Nazi.
Lingerie Model by Boso, on Flickr
Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic License  by  Boso 

What the fuck!! Why the heck are their underwear prices so damn marked up when you don't even get a montage experience!?? Whatever, it's Valentine's Day right? So I pay over $100 for only TWO items: a fancy bra, and some booty shorts. I'm sure Victoria's Secret doesn't call them booty shorts but fuck their face!!

After we left this high classed dump, I got a private showing of the gifts I bought. Finally. All it took was an hour of awkwardly looking at chicks undergarments, pretending not to notice all the hottest of employees, and spending 1,000 times what the cost of materials was for the product I bought.

By the way this product was ultimately meant to be worn for a few seconds before I get what I really want. Underwear - what a scam. I need to get into that racket. To top off this shitty experience,  two weeks later my gf broke up with me. Her reason? I didn't make enough money, and since she was going to law school she deserved a guy who was "going places."

I bought her expensive ass lingerie (no pun intended) for Valentine's Day and she says I don't make enough money!?? And I wasn't that broke. I was making 50K as a sales manager, meanwhile she was living at her moms. I would of asked her for the lingerie back, but it was too small for me o.0

Later on my friend Deb saw her at a party. Apparently she was asking about me and tried to get my number from Deb, but knowing how paranoid I am she didn't give it out. I asked Deb if she knew whether or not my ex passed the Bar, to which she replied that she had actually dropped out of law school. Ha!

And this is where she lives now. Probably.

*Don't forget to check out my book!

1 comment:

  1. For us girls it would be easier to see the lingerie in real moving models as opposed to seeing them on mannequins. Though we don't have that kind of store here in Manila yet, i think if we did, it would sell out really fine. Sorry about your mishap with your girl though.


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