Sunday, December 23, 2012

It Was the Best of Theaters, It Was the Worst of Theaters

OK seriously WTF is up with these motherfuckers that are too cool for facebook? It makes life hard for us normal people because we have to say shit multiple times: once for all our friends on FB and then numerous texts/emails to all friends who can't be bothered to take five minutes to build a profile since they can't see our posts on FB. And don't even give me the whole "I don't want my info out there" B.S; all it takes is a fake name and messing with the privacy settings and you're good.

So now that I explained how none of the following is really my fault, let me tell you about how I totally ditched Chi Chi when I flaked out of my own party. See what had happened was I created a "Welcome Home" event on FB for my return to Cali, but I forgot that the date I chose was also the date of the Manny Pacquiao/ Juan Marquez fight.

How many Mexican's does it take to K.O. Pacquiao? Just Juan!  ....OK OK fine, more like thirty-Juan.
Thus I was set to see all the homies on the same night that the biggest fight in recent boxing history was happening. It was like a sitcom episode. But they don't call me Brick for my looks, it's because of my sharp problem-solving mind. I think.

Anyways I came up with the solution of bailing on my own party and simply canceling the event on FB. I spent the night at Tat's house where him and his veterano homies bought the fight on pay-per-view (I use the term "bought" loosely).

Of course you can ask if them they have a receipt. I'll wait for you outside.

So I was able to see the knock out of the century. The only problem was that I forgot to send Chi Chi a text letting him know the event was canceled. Fortunately, Cuervo, P Nutty, and A Bomb decided to go to the event anyways despite the fact that it lacked its host, me. Douche bags.

They saw Chi Chi roll in and told him what happened. The next day, they let me know just how big of an asshole I was flaking on my own event and not even bothering to tell everyone. I felt bad and told Chi Chi I would make it up to him. Naturally, the conversation went Chi Chi style...

I'm sorry bout flaking dog, but let's kick it. Whatever you wanna do, I'll take you.

I know a great Latina massage parlor. I can get you in for free!

Hmm. How bout a movie?

Chi Chi agreed to my alternative plan. He knew of a cheap theater in Whittier; and since I had been out of the country for about a year and had no clue what movies were out, I let him pick what we were going to watch as well. I picked up Chi Chi at his pad fashionably late as usual.

I use the term "fashionably" loosely.

We hauled ass down Rosecrans Ave till we saw this...

A lone standing marquee on the side of the road. Three dollar movies? One dollar hot dogs? I knew this was going to be a bombass theater! I also now knew why Chi Chi offered to pay for the tickets. I parked my car and we hit the pavement to walk to the theater only this was all that we saw...

Yup, just a strip mall with no movie theaters in sight. Chi Chi had checked the times online, and there was a freaking marquee for fuck's sake. It couldn't not exist anymore could it? We paced up and down the street, but it was no use. We could not find a fucking movie theater! That is until I looked down this one alley near the end of the strip mall...

The theater was located where that bright light was. Why on earth would you make your movie theater so hard to find? They could of at least put a sign by the marquee indicating where to go. I was starting to question my prior assessment of this dump.

Once we got there, we wasted even more time looking for the ticket booth only to realize that the snack stand and ticket booth were one and the same. Again there weren't even any indicating signs. That's when I decided this place was a shithole especially since this combination of ticket and snack sales meant that you had to wait for every fatass placing a giant food order before you could buy your ticket.

Now remember how I mentioned earlier that Chi Chi picked the movie? Scroll back up to that picture of the marquee and take a guess at what movie he picked. You're wrong, he picked Fun Size. Mother fucking Fun Size, a freaking kid's movie! And this wasn't a good kid's movie that everyone can enjoy, like, oh say, Finding Nemo!!!

The best way to describe Fun Size would be to reference the three basic stages of kids' development. If you're familiar with kids at all, you know that the first stage is one of innocence and honesty. Young kids are untainted by bias and haven't yet learned to be afraid to demonstrate their innocence. The final stage is that of a snarky sarcastic teenager. They think they are the shit just cause they tear people down with witty put downs.

Then there is this inbetween phase where kids have just started to understand the concept of wit, but they are not at all good at it. They make a bunch of awkward jokes where you think "I kind of see where you were going with that, but you failed. Horribly so."

That's what Fun Size was like. It was one shoddy joke after another. The awkwardness was oozing out of the screen and punching me in the face, and I do not like to be punched in the face! Well, OK in my Gina Carano fantasies I do, but that's another story.

There are also a lot of high kicks involved...
carano-kedzie by benyupp, on Flickr
Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic License  by  benyupp 

I have since banned Chi Chi from the privilege of getting to pick what movie we watch. To be fair, he chose that movie because it was made by the same guy who made Hangover, a movie I watched four times in the movie theaters. Also to be fair, Fun Size starred Victoria Justice - such a beautiful Latina!!! And to a less hotter extent, Jane Levy, still an awesome red head.

This pic says "life" in the corner, but realistically I think I'd only have to do a couple of years.

So will I give the Regency Theaters another chance? Well, it did introduce me to Ms Justice and it's cheap as fuck. Plus to be honest, even if it did have the needed signs that would make that place more clear and easier to locate, it's not like I would have read any of them anyways. Also if Chi Chi had been smarter we could have seen Finding Nemo. Yes, I will give them another shot. Not Chi Chi though, he's still banned from picking movies.

This fish eases my pain.
Nemo / Dream Lights Disneyland Parade by gwaar, on Flickr
Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic License  by  gwaar 

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