Saturday, January 10, 2015

Brick Unfurled


Well my beloved, stinking hoards of fans, it's been about a month since I've given you any updates about my life, and that's a long time in Brick years. So I thought I'd let you know what I've been up to. I'm sure you're on the edge of your seat dying in anticipation..

D'ya miss me?


BRICK JOINS A BOXING GYM


My friend has been boxing for a few years now and I always told him I'd join the gym. I finally did about a couple of weeks ago. I walked in my first day and saw a trainer in the ring with his student in the middle of a coaching session.


BRICK
Excuse me sir! Hello??

TRAINER
Huh? What? What's going on?

BRICK
Where's your vending machine? I could really go for a moon pie right about now..

TRAINER
This is a boxing gym!

BRICK
And that's all you ever will be with that attitude!!

TRAINER
What's your name? You look like you could use a few less snacks and a few more rounds with me and the mitts. Get your ass in here!

BRICK
What about my moon pie?

TRAINER
Don't worry. Working out is an appetite suppressant.

BRICK
Woozza, whazza??

TRAINER
Just get in here!

Alright son, show me your left.

*bink*

Wow, that was as weak as a punch from a retarded baby seal. OK, now show me your right.

*BOOM!!*

Left!

*bink*

Right!

*BOOM!!*

Left!

*bink*

So now we know what hand you jerk off with.

Hey, why did you stop?? Keep throwing punches!


BRICK
I'm doing all I can!

TRAINER
You're just standing there!!

BRICK
Yeah, but that takes a lot of work with all this extra weight on.

TRAINER
What extra weight??

BRICK
The gloves.

TRAINER
Its gonna be a long road..

BRICK
Can I have my moon pie now?

TRAINER
A very long road...



They ended up giving me, the fattest guy in the gym, a large shirt. I guess having obese people repping your boxing gym is just bad marketing. Either that or they were out of XXXXXL 

Either way, I took it as a challenge. Mark your calendars because in 6 months I will be able to fit into the shirt.  People will ask me, "damn, how do you get all that manliness into a large shirt?" And I'll be like, "quite comfortably!!"



 "loooooooonnnngggg road.." Shut up, mom!





BRICK DOES VEGAS


I went to Vegas with Cuervo to celebrate his parents' (AKA Mr. and Mrs. Cuervo) anniversary. I wrote a few rap versus about out trip:

 Gettin faded in vegas
Put the brick in hiatus
Like the feds we gon raid this
Tell the bitch see ya laters
Me and Cuervo gon straight up
Hit the strip like a stripper
Gettin faded and ripped up
Hit the tip of the flip cup
Suited n booted gon crip walk
Cross the club like a whipped up
Django all up in chains
Try my best to maintain!


BRICK GETS PULLED OVER


One night after bar hopping in downtown L.A. and then blazing in the parking lot with Deanna and Hak Man, I decided to drive home at 4 AM instead of sleeping at Stash Man the Human's pad as had been suggested by people smarter than myself.

I was flying down the freeway going 90 and falling asleep for a split second every couple minutes. At one point I swerved a little. I was instantly hit with the flash of red and white..


BRICK
OK man, you're getting pulled over. Be calm, I've been through this plenty of times. Let's go through the checklist:

Turn off cop-hating rap music, check.

Kill engine, check.

Put hands on steering wheel, check.

I feel like I'm forgetting something..


**two cops come up to my car and pound on my window**


MAN COP
Roll down you're fucking window!!

BRICK
That's what I forgot! Thanks for the friendly reminder, officer!


**they started asking me a bunch of questions**


MAN COP
How much did you drink tonight?

BRICK
Pfft! More than you could handle..

GIRL COP
How much exactly?

BRICK
I don't know! You want me to remember something that happened a few hours ago? Who do you think I am, Einstein?

GIRL COP
Sir, step out of the vehicle please.

BRICK
OK. Shit its cold out here. You guys have a spare jacket I could borrow?

GIRL COP
You went to downtown and you didn't bring a jacket??

BRICK
It was warm when I left my house. Duh.

GIRL COP
I'm gonna run a field sobriety test on you. Look at my finger. I said my finger! Finger! don't you know what a finger is!? Sir, stop staring directly into my flashlight!

BRICK
OK, but now I can't see anything.

GIRL COP
They don't pay me enough..


**I passed the eyeball test, and they let me go back in my car**


GIRL COP
Stop driving so fast! Go home!

BRICK
No ticket?

GIRL COP
You're not worth the paper work.

BRICK
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me..


Now that I've had time to sober up and reflect on the situation, I realize that whiteboys don't get tickets!!! Master race!!!




P.S. They didn't even see the beer cans all on my car floor hehehe.




MAYBE IT'S A TUMMO


I've been practicing Tummo for the past few months. Tummo is a Buddhist mediation technique that allows the practitioner to raise his own body heat. It was perfect timing since it has been one of the coldest winters on record in Los Angels. I've been walking around my neighborhood at 3 AM in shorts, Tee shirt, and flip flops or barefooted. One night I even laid on the cold concrete remaining perfectly still.

Granted it only got down to about 40 degrees, but that is not weather we are used to in L.A. And it's not that I'm going outside and forcing myself to "deal with" the cold. Instead I actually raise my body temperature so that I don't feel the cold in the first place. It's a trip.

When I first started doing it, it took all my concentration. I would walk down the streets with my eyes squinting in concentration. A few times, I broke concentration mid walk and I would start freaking out. I was like, "oh shit, it's cold as fuck out here! And I'm 20 minutes from home!" But I always managed to get back into Tummo mode.

A few days ago it was only 50 degrees, so to challenge my Tummo skills, I stood in the middle of a patch of grass that had sprinklers on. Being ever the attention whore that I am, I did this on a patch of grass right in front of a gas station at 3 AM cupping my hands to catch water that I poured on my head. People must of thought I was nuts o.0

"Eats not eh Tummo!" Shut up Arnold!


Eventually Tummo becomes second nature. You snap right into it and can even think about other things while its running in the background. It will always require some attention and effort. It's not like breathing where you don't have to think about it at all. It's more like driving: once you've been doing it for a while you can do it and think about other things.

Tummo does require energy and the colder it is outside, the more energy it requires. One night I walked to my buddy Nacho's house. Once I got inside, I felt cold and asked for a blanket. He was like, "but you walked here in flip flops!" But the thing is once I stop putting effort towards Tummo, I feel the cold just like anyone else. Again, Tummo is different than just getting used to the cold.

But Tummo goes beyond being able to perform a mere parlor trick, even if it is a really cool one. The night I laid on the concrete a truth came to me. Here I lay on the ground on a winter night, perfectly comfortable. It's a metaphor for life. The trouble inside comes from within. Finding peace in violent world comes from within, just like finding warmth on cold winter night comes from within.

I am not changing reality. I can't; God set it into place and it is what it is. Instead, I am completely redefining my understanding of what reality is. I tap into the energy of the air around me. It is afterall energy just like I am. It covers me in a warm blanket as a fire burns in my lower chakra. I am not Buddhist, I'm Catholic. But that doesn't mean I can't benefit from a mediation technique that allows me to forget to bring a sweater or even shoes  o.0


Now if only I could develop my inner doughnut, maybe I could stop feeling hungry and lose some damn weight!
Doughnut / ?? by JMiu, on Flickr
Creative Commons Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 2.0 Generic License   by  JMiu 




*Don't forget to check out my book Moby Brick!!!



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