Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Life Ain't No Thang...

Sometimes the small stories in life are what make it funny as hell...



POP GOES THE HEART


One time I went to my buddy Nacho's house. I sat on the couch to watch TV with him.


BRICK
What's that?

**I pointed to a medical device on his coffee table**

NACHO
Its for checking blood pressure. Wanna try it?

BRICK
Sure.

**We ran the test. My result was extremely high. He yelled out to his mom who was in the kitchen.**

NACHO
Hey mom! Is Brick gonna die? His blood pressure's at 190/100

MRS NACHO
No, son. He just walked over to our house. You can't check blood pressure right after exercising. You have to give him a minute to relax and then test it again.

BRICK
So you're saying I have a chance.

**We ran the test again**

NACHO
Lemme see..  90/60

**He smirked**

NACHO
Well I know where this thing is going!


He then chucked it into the trash. And that's how I became the proud new owner of used, faulty medical device. You never know what you're gonna get when using my blood pressure tester. It's like playing Russian Roulette with your heart. Today my result was 230/Q..



 IS YOUR TOWN THE EXPLODING KIND?


My sister's fiance Liam, is the artistic type. He grew up in a small town in England where artsy stuff was discouraged and macho stuff was the norm. He wanted to tap dance, but they made him play rugby. He wanted to paint, but they made him lift weights.

He hated this small town with a passion. He would often daydream about living in London where he could pursue the arts, and he also wished his stupid town would blow up. One day his dream came true. Both of them.

Years after he had moved away from the small town described above, Liam was hanging up a painting in the Museum of London where he now worked. All the sudden there was a loud boom that made the whole building shake violently.


LIAM
What the hell was that!!?? Were we just hit by a missile??

**The front desk guy came running up to where Liam was working**

FRONT DESK GUY
Liam! I have some bad news, your home town just exploded!!


It turns out there was a giant ass gas leak, pun intended, that caused the whole town to blow up. The explosion was so big it could be felt in London some 30 miles away. Amazingly, no one was killed although there were quite a few injuries. Liam's family became rich after this incident because his dad was a carpenter and there's always lots of work to go around for a carpenter after a town blows up. See Liam? The manly arts ain't so bad..




 ON WINGS OF GLORY I SOAR... 


One time me and my friends went out to a restaurant. It happened to be Good Friday, a day when Catholics like me are supposed to fast and not eat meat. My friend Geo, ordered a combo meal.


WAITRESS
Your order comes with free slice of chocolate cake.

GIO
I don't want it. I'm on a diet.

**The waitress walked away having taken all our orders.**

BRICK
Gio, you selfish prick! Why didn't you get the free chocolate cake and give it to one of us!

GIO
What do you care? You're fasting.

BRICK
It's the principle of the thing, dammit!


 One does not simply turn down free chocolate cake!


When the waitress came back we asked her to add the free slice of chocolate cake to the order, but she said it was too late - she already put the order in as Gio originally placed it. Well that did it. We berated the poor bastard all night long..

BRICK
I bet rich assholes like you take chocolate cakes to the shooting range don't you!? You're all, "Jeeves, load up another cake, andddd.. Pull!"  *Kerpow*

JESS
Yeah, how can you turn down free food? Don't you know what it's like to be poor!? Think of all the starving kids in Africa. We could have eaten the chocolate cake in their honor. Wait, that came out wrong..

**Many verbal assaults later, our food came.  My homie Manny soon realized all I was eating was a salad.**

MANNY
Wait Brick, that salad was your meal?? I though it came with your meal. Why didn't you order any real food? Did you lose all your money to the Armenians again?

BRICK
I had a system. I didn't think it was possible for me to lose. But that's only the second reason I'm eating a salad for dinner. The first is cause it's Good Friday.

MANNY
Oh I forgot you're Catholic. Hard to believe.. that you're religious I mean, not that there's a God. Well here, have a chicken wing. What's one wing gonna do?

**He slid me the chicken wing.**

BRICK
Hmm my Lord will send me to eternal hell fire. I better not.

**He tried to take it back, but I grabbed his wrist.**

BRICK
Not so fast! I'll save it for later.


I then wrapped the wing in a napkin and put it in my pocket. After we ate and paid the bill, we headed to a local park where we met up with this chick, Milan, that I had a crush on. I thought showing her I had religious conviction would win her over.


BRICK
Say, is it past midnight yet?

JESS
Why? Is your car going to turn into a pumpkin?

GIO
Or get towed by the financing company again?

BRICK
No!! Why?? What have you heard?

MANNY
Relax guys, he just wants to know if he can eat his chicken wing yet.

BRICK
That's right Manny! Because unlike you heathens, I take my faith seriously.

**I pulled the chicken wing out of my pocket, unwrapped it, and proceeded to eat it.**

MILAN
Wait, you had a chicken wing in your pocekt this whole time??

JESS
Either that or he's just happy to see you.

MILAN
We're just gonna act like this is normal? That's what we're doing now?

BRICK
You jealous? I bet you wish you had a chicken wing right now.

MILAN
Actually what I could really go for is a shot of penicillin seeing as how I hugged you and apparently you keep meat in your pockets. Seriously, why am I the only one bothered by this??

MANNY
We're used to it. We've known Brick a lot longer than you have.

JESS
Just gotta dull the pain..


Things I learned while in college:

Chicks are not turned on by guys who keep food in there pockets... check!


Also learned where the line between a good time and having to get your stomach pumped is








*Don't forget to check out my book Moby Brick!!!




 

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