Monday, April 20, 2015

Hak-ing It Up with Old Man



Sharp as a Brick

Old Man has been getting, well, old. So they put him in a home. I went to go see him the other day. The nurse led me to his room. He's still got it..



NURSE
Hi Old Man! Brick's here to see you. If you guys need anything just let me know.

BRICK
She's nice. What's her name?

OLD MAN
I don't know. They all look the same to me.

BRICK
So you made any friends here yet?

OLD MAN
Well, I haven't made any enemies.

BRICK
Same difference.



I wish you luck with your mirror argument Old Man! I always seem to lose mine..



OLD MAN
Haven't seen you in forever.

BRICK
Yeah sorry; not much news. I gave up soda for Lent. It's been killing me.

OLD MAN
What's the meaning of Lent?

BRICK
It's when Jesus went to the desert for 40 days to pray.

OLD MAN
Jesus, huh? Did you know He's next in line to be God?

BRICK
Guess I missed that in church.

OLD MAN
I saw a picture of Germany today.

BRICK
Is that right?

OLD MAN
Don't patronize me boy. Anyways that's a small ass country. How the hell did they take over all of Europe? Europe must of been a bunch of pussies!

BRICK
They still are.

OLD MAN
The reason Germans are so mad is because their country is puny.

BRICK
Guess I missed that in history class.

OLD MAN
Seems you've been missing a lot of things! Pay attention boy!

BRICK
Yes sir.

OLD MAN
And what have I told you about patronizing me!


Good times. I hope I stay as sharp as I am now, when I get old. Stop laughing, that wasn't a joke.



The Pukee Has Become the Puker

So the Hak Pak invited me to DTLA (down town Los Angeles for those of you not in the know -.-) for a night of drinking and - yeah that's pretty much it actually.  We went to the Edison a fancy club, with fancy strippers a.k.a. "burlesque dancers," and absinthe a.k.a. "nectar of the gods."

 Good thing I wore my fancy shirt.


Before I knew it, Hak Man put two drinks in my hand and introduced me to Kush Man, who is Stash Man the Human's cousin. Kush Man enchanted us with tales of his drunken adventures in Hungary. I was then being introduced to about 10 different people, and just about every time my hand shook another it ended up with a drink in it.


BRICK
Why am I getting so fucking drunk?

DEANA
Probably because Hak Man's been giving you absinthe this whole time.

BRICK
What the fuck?? He knows I'm only a moderate drinker!! ...stop laughing that wasn't a joke.


So I hit the bar and ordered an absinthe of my own. When the bartenderess finally gave it to me, I walked up to Hak Man and firmly planted the drink in his hand.


HAK MAN
What's this?

BRICK
Revenge absinthe!!!

HAK MAN
No one's ever bought me a drink out of revenge before.

BRICK
I take things to new lows.


Like all dishes, revenge is a dish best served with liquor.


It was a great night as our group was spread out having conversations, hitting on chicks, and slowly getting faded. Then at one point, a bouncer came up to Stash Man, Kush Man and I.


BOUNCER
Gentlemen, we have a problem.

BRICK
Why is it that every time someone addresses me as "gentleman" or "sir" it's always a bad thing!?


The bouncer led us to the bathroom. There, we found Hak Man completely passed out straddling the toilet. The dance floor cleared a path for us as we literally carried Hak Man out of the club.


BURLESQUE DANCER
Someone's having a good night!

BRICK
Not me! He looks slim, but he weighs a ton!

STASH MAN
How come every time you have attention of the entire dance floor its always a bad thing, Brick?

BRICK
Haha very funny.

STASH MAN
That wasn't a joke.


We got Hak Man outside where he finally managed to stand up with one arm around Stash Man's neck and the other around mine.


KUSH MAN
Any of you guys know where he parked?

DEANA
No, he came here on his own.

STASH MAN
Let's just get him an Uber car.

BRICK
Good idea.


When the Uber driver pulled up he took one look at Hak Man and said, "if he pukes in my car, it's an extra $300." This pissed off Hak Man who somehow mustered the strength to try and rush the driver. The driver freaked out and zoomed off.


KUSH MAN
Well there goes that plan.


So we proceed to walk around with a barely-conscious Hak Man on our shoulders in hopes that we would somehow stumble across his parked car. We would pause every now and then to hold his head over a trash can so he could puke, or so he could pose with random people who wanted to take a selfie with him.


STASH MAN
He's a star and he doesn't even know it. Such a shame.

KUSH MAN
Meh, I'm sure he'll find himself on the internet soon enough.


Then Deana got another one of her life-saving ideas, the kind that proves she doesn't belong with a bunch of drunken idiots like us.


DEANA
Hey we should check his pockets. Maybe he has a parking lot stub in there.

STASH MAN
Let me see. Yes he does! I know where this parking lot is. It's right off of Spring Street.

BRICK
Good one, Deana! That's why we keep you around.

STASH MAN
Still haven't figured out why you keep getting invited though.

BRICK
Shut up, jerk!

DEANA
Quit picking on Brick. He'll threaten to leave the group again.

STASH MAN
Big deal. He does that every week.

BRICK
You're all against me!

KUSH MAN
Everyone calm down. Let's go find Hak Man's car.


We went to the lot his stub was from and found his car. Stash Man, who had Hak Man's keys and phone, opened the car door. We put the driver seat all the way down, and laid Hak Man face down on it, doggy style.


KUSH MAN
You do realize we're leaving him in the perfect position to get butt-raped by a hobo, right guys?

DEANA
With the state he's in, he probably wouldn't even remember it.

STASH MAN
OK, I'm gonna throw his phone and keys in there. Anything else we need to leave with him? Because once I close this door we won't have access to him anymore.

BRICK
I feel like we're sealing his casket.

KUSH MAN
Anyone have any last words for Hak Man?

STASH MAN
Not right now. Not while I'm covered in his puke. I'd probably say a lot of hurtful things, and I want him to be awake for that.


Fortunately, Hak Man survived the night which I found out when he texted me the next morning. Besides we all know that if we were to lay him to rest for real, we wouldn't lay him in a casket. No, the only burial fit for Hak Man would be a Viking burial.


His high blood alchol levels would make it extra spectacular ='(







  *Don't forget to check out my book, Moby Brick!

 


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