Friday, June 26, 2015

151 Too Many (poisoned by the illuminati)

Ladies and gentlemen, I recently went to Vegas. And there, I believe I was poisoned by the Illuminati. The following is my recollection of events:

Donnie B, Cuevro, P Nutty, Joe DiMannho, and I arrived at the suite in the fancy shiny building on the strip. We were greeted by Landlord Patrick (or LP as he won't allow me to call him) who had gotten there earlier in the day.

OMG! Are you the landlord of Vegas too??

Do you really think I would waste my time hanging around your broke ass if I was the Landlord of Vegas!?


Shiny beacon amongst plain ol white buildings!!
Hilton Grand Vacations aka Elara, Marrio by Robcowboy, on Flickr
Creative Commons Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic License   by  Robcowboy 

Our suite had a fridge in it. I opened the door to the fridge and this is what I saw...

How did that booze get there? Did LP stock the fridge knowing that booze in Vegas clubs is expensive as fuck and it would be wise to pre-game it?  Possibly. There's no way to know for sure since I didn't bother to ask him. 

I didn't bother asking him for two reasons: 1) if he did buy it, he might ask me to chip in on the bill. 2) I already know who put that there. It was the Illuminati!!! They poisoned the booze with a Neuralyzing serum that makes you take bad decisions and forget half of what happened. Here's the proof:

Exhibit A:

Around 9:00 PM we rolled out to a club that I can't remember the name of. We paid $50 a pop to get and I subsequently dropped $100 on tequila and 151. This makes no sense, Brick never spends $150 of his own money for anything!!

Unless there are gnomes involved. Don't ask.

Exhibit B:

Once in the club, P Nutty and I hit the dance floor. There was a group of bachelorette party chicks on the dance floor. P Nutty and I instantly engaged in a pop lock battle against each other in attempt to impress the girls.

Cuervo! I can't break eye contact with P Nutty or I lose the pop lock battle by default!

So you dance by prison rules?

Shut up with the jokes and tell me how I'm doing! Am I winning over the bachelorettes!?

The chicks left as soon as you guys started "dancing." But you got Donnie B mesmerized. Let me guess, you're going to blame his intent staring on the Illuminati?

No, he's just a creepy weirdo.

Again, these failed attempt to impress the ladies makes no sense. I always win over chicks with my awesome pop lock skills. Clearly I was poisoned!!!

Artist's rendition of our battle (start at 2:53)

At this point I was hit so hard by the 151 that I had to go outside for some fresh air. I started wondering down the strip. I made it half way back to our hotel. Then I felt a hand on my shoulder..

There you are! What happened? Why'd you leave?

I'm tripping off the 151. Wait, how did you find me?

What do you mean, how did I find you? You realize you're standing right by the entrance of the club right?

What the?? But I had walked half way down the strip.. those bastards!!

Oh no, not more of your Illuminati trippin. Have you been taking your pills?

Shut up, creepy weirdo!

Yeah, whatever! I know about what you do with the gnomes, Brick!

What happened to our other homies?

Fuck those fools. Let's find an after-party.

We proceeded to walk up the strip in an attempt to get to Drai's the after party club. I started kicking over some of those orange construction cones we saw along the way.

You shouldn't do that.

You don't understand. These cones killed my brother.

Douche bag!

Jizz waffle!

Exhibit C

We never made it to Drai's. Instead we somehow managed to pull three strippers of the street. They invited us back to their suite. We of course accepted not knowing there was going to be five other dudes up there. But it was all good. They were cool as fuck and told us we could drink anything we wanted. Plus most of them had a girl there with them already.

All was going well as the sun started to rise and the alcohol flowed like wine..

We started breaking away with the girls that we were clicking with. Naturally, I clicked with the Raider chick. She had a tattoo that said "LOVE." The "L" was a .45; the "O" was a grenade; the "V" was a partially opened switch blade; and the "E" was a.. I forget what the "E" was. Damn Illuminati!!

We started macking on each other. I picked her up and threw her on the nearest bed where I started to kiss her neck. I slowly moved down and began kissing her tummy. But I guess she didn't think I was south enough. She started to push my head down. I thought to myself, you're not my girlfriend! I'm not doing that!

Her gentle pushing turned into hard smacking on my head. I looked up. Turns out it wasn't her who was smacking me. It was one of the dudes who's suite we were in. He had been passed out on the bed, but our passionate make-out session woke him up.

Get off my bed, fool!

How dare you! You're one of the lizard overlords aren't you!!??

That's when I started to flip out. Donnie rushed over and pinned me down before I could start to get too crazy. All the sudden I realized I had been trippin, but it was too late. They cussed out Donnie.

Seriously? After we shared our booze with you? Get the fuck out of here and take your schizo friend with you!!

**I tried to apologize but it was too late. We were kicked out and left standing in the hotel hallway.**

Those cursed Illuminate! They ruined yet another vacation of ours. Why can't they just let me be?

That's when Johnny lost it and rushed straight for my throat. Fortunately hotel security was able to pull him off before his strangling caused too much brain damage. More so. So there you have it. I rest my case: it was all the Illuminati's fault and their lizard overlords who want to steal our earth of it's precious Beavis and Butt Head DVD's

The next day I posted the above video to facebook with the caption "dancing with strippers in Vegas!" This caused Cuervo to get a call from his girl asking him why he was dancing with strippers in Vegas.

What are you talking about babe!? I partied at the club till 4:30 then went back to our suite and passed out. I wasn't dancing with no strippers... wait a minute! This has something to do with Brick I just know it!!!

You called it, sir!!

**This post is dedicated to Donnie B a.k.a. Jewy. Good luck with your move dog, we'll miss you!!!

Pic from our suite before it all went down hill:

*Don't forget to check out my book, Moby Brick!


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