Friday, July 31, 2015

B.Y.O.D. (be your own daddy)

I had a bday BBQ the other day; invited the homies. They all started showing up around 7 PM as I asked them to. There was only one problem...


HALF SHOT
*calls me up*

BRICK
Hello?

HALF SHOT
Yeah it's me.

BRICK
You on your way?

HALF SHOT
I'm already here. Question: where the fuck are you??

BRICK
I'll be there in a bit I just had to get something at the store real quick.

HALF SHOT 
What did you need to get?

BRICK
Meat, charcoal, salsa, guacamole, chips, oni-

HALF SHOT
Seriously?? So what am I supposed to do for the next two hours?? Hang out in your driveway??

BRICK
Nah dude, just go to the back yard. There's a gate on the right side of the house; should be open. There's bunch a people are back there already.


**So he goes to the back yard where he sees Nacho, Joe DiManho, Cuervo, K-mo.**


NACHO
Sup man. You here for Brick's BBQ?

HALF SHOT
Yeah.


**They heard a noise. Then watched Hak Man, Frankie and Deana jump the wall on the left side of the house**


HAK MAN
Is this Brick's BBQ?

K-MO
You must be Hak Man.

HAK MAN
How'd you know??

K-MO
Just a sense. Why did you jump the fence? You know there's a gate on the other side, right?

HAK MAN
This is my first time at Brick's pad. No one answered the door so I thought we should just hop the fence.

K-MO
You've never been here before and you just hopped the fence?? What if you had the wrong house?

HAK MAN
I guess I hadn't thought that far ahead.

K-MO
What do you do for a living?

HAK MAN
I'm an engineer. I build planes and shit..


** blank stares all around**
En Garde! by Kevin Pack, on Flickr
Creative Commons Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 2.0 Generic License   by  Kevin Pack 



NACHO
My name's Nacho by the way. This here is Half Shot, K-mo, Joe, Serge, and Cuervo.

HAK MAN
Wait are you the infamous Nacho who once drunk-puked on the floor and then slept in a pool of your own puke?? (actually happened)

NACHO
The very same!
 
HAK MAN
And you're Half Shot, the one who drove on the wrong side of the road after getting drunk at Octoberfest? (actually happened)

HALF SHOT
That's me!

K-MO
Wait Nacho.. Brick told me about you. You're the one who stole a bottle of Cazadores, drank it in the bar you stole it from and then blamed it on the black guy? (actually happened)

NACHO
Right you are sir.

HALF SHOT
And you're K-Mo the one with the Russian Mafia Vegas hook up the you and Brick used to take advantage of? (no idea what he's talking about)

K-MO
Um, you're Hak Man who once passed out from drunkness on a toilet in a club in LA and had to be carried out by your homies? (actually happened)

HAK MAN
Haha all true. And your name is Cuervo right? You're the guy who, um, wait you don't really get drunk and stupid, huh?


**Crickets** 
En Garde! by Kevin Pack, on Flickr
Creative Commons Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 2.0 Generic License   by  Kevin Pack 


 HALF SHOT
*cough* wierdo *uncough*


That's right around when Pun and I showed back up from the market. Pun started making the beans and carne asada. I was his helper which basically meant I would run outside to check on the meat but ended up getting into conversations until Pun stuck his head out the window and yelled out at me.


PUN
Brick!! how long does it take you to flip some freakin burgers!! I need your help with the roasted peppers!!

BRICK
Oh yeah I forgot!


**Later on we got to breaking out the presents my homies got me.**


Aww, how did you know?


**We sat around and got drunk**


PUN
Hey let's get some tunes going.

BRICK
Can't. I only have one extension cord and we're already using it for the light. Wait I bet I can borrow one from the neighbor.


** I came back with the needed cord**


BRICK
Haha what a sucker! We're gonna use the cord he gave us to blast music till 6 AM! He hung himself with his own extension cord.

HAK MAN
Hey what was your name again?

PUN
Pun.

HAK MAN
Oh shit you're the one who once tricked a club in TJ into giving you a free bottle of Don Julian by convincing them your friend was Brad Pitt!! (actually happened)

NACHO
And you're one who once got high as fuck and brought a garden hose inside your friend's house to wash out some salsa you spilled on the carpet. (actually happened)

DEANA
And you're the one who got so drunk they put you in a mental hospital for two weeks! (sorta actually happened)

PUN
I am the one.

HAK MAN
We are in the presence of a legend.

FRANKIE
Respect.

HALF SHOT
Don't forget he also did lead vocals in the Derr Derr Song:





**At one point I had a little too much to drink and stormed out of my own house in a drunken rage.**


HAK MAN
Damn, I never seen him rage like that before.

PUN
He rages like that around me all the time.

HAK MAN
Really? ...which one of us should be insulted?


**I came back a little later but somehow I ended up on the other side of my backyard wall** 


BRICK
Hello?

HAK MAN
Brick!? How did you end up back there?

BRICK
I don't know. I'm scared...

HAK MAN
Don't move. I'll come to you.


**Hak Man jumped the wall and tried to help boost me over it.**


FRANKIE
The drunk skinny guy is going to boost the drunk fat guy over a wall. Yeah this has bad idea written all over it.


** Our friends watched us face plant and stumble all over the place.**


DEANA
You know guys we can just hand you a chair so you can easily climb over the wall.

CUERVO
Why you gotta spoil our fun Deana?

BRICK
This is why we keep her around

DEANA
Yeah still not sure why you're in the group Brick.



**We partied till the till everyone ethier left or passed out. The next day I woke up just in time to make it to the late mass**


BRICK
Crap! We gotta clean up this place before I go to church!

PUN
What's the rush? Just clean it up after you get back from church.

BRICK
No, something tells me the landlordette will come by and check on the house.


**We cleaned the place up, and then I headed off to mass. Sure enough, the landlordette showed up as I was on my way back from church.  She called me up**


LANDLORDETTE
Hi Brick how's it going?

BRICK
Pretty good. Had a little get together last night, but we made sure  to clean up.

LANDLORDETTE
Oh yeah the place looks nice. But question: who is this asshole passed out on the couch??

BRICK
Oh sorry that's my friend Pun. Don't worry I'll kick him out as soon as I get back from church.

LANDLORDETTE
Wait the Pun. Wow, I'm  in the presence of a legend...



Indeed lady! All my friends are legendary. Thanks for a great Bday my peeps...










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