Thursday, October 29, 2015

Dominantly Yours

So last night, myself, Hak Man, Deana, Stash Man the Human, Dutchman McEnglish, and Letty all went out to The 17th Door, the haunted house in the O.C. We had to sign a crazy ass waiver that said we might die or end up working in a sweatshop in Mexico or something. Then we were allowed into the haunted house. They instantly grabbed me and Dutchman and threw us into a locker together.


DUTCHMAN
Well this is romantic.

BRICK
I never seen you in this lighting before.

DUTCHMAN
Hold me!


**After being hit in the face with fish, groped by chubby clowns, and having our nipples hooked up to a car battery and electric shocked (actually happened), we eventually made our way out of that hell hole and met up with the rest of the crew**


STASHMAN
Dude! That was awesome!! I kept running up to people, yelling in their faces, and scarring the shit out of them!

DEANA
Um, I don't think that's how this is supposed to work...


He gets his savageness from his mustache!!  ...like Hitler


DUTCHMAN
Where were you guys? We didn't see you.

LETTY
Well Hak Man got kicked out because one of the actors grabbed him and pressed his head against his chest and Hak Man started to suck the guy's nipple; Deana got left in the locker cause they couldn't see that she was in there through the little opening...

BRICK
Ha-ha! That's what you get for being short!


**She socked me in the stomach.**

BRICK
Ugh!

DEANA
Perfect height to throw a gut punch hehe.

STASHMAN
Dude, did they shock your nipples like they did to me?

DUTCHMAN
Well they hooked me up to the car battery, but I didn't feel a thing.

BRICK
Damn dude, that hurt like a bitch! You must have superpowers. You should wear a cape and run around like, "I am Dutchman! My nipples cannot be electrocuted!!"

STASHMAN
I don't think he has superpowers. I think he has a nipple electrocution fetish, and he's done it so much he's lost all feeling.

DUTCHMAN
Do not discuss my nipple electrocution fetish in public!!


Seriously, Marvel, I think I have your next great idea.
S is for Supersexy Superhero by karla_k, on Flickr
Creative Commons Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 2.0 Generic License   by  karla_k 



**After that we all went out for Saki and Sushi. Hak, Stashman, and me were chatting it up and hardly eating which pissed off Letty.**


LETTY
Stop talking so much! Eat your sushi pizza!

BRICK
But we really just want Saki.

LETTY
No Saki till you finish the sushi on your plate! There are starving kids in Africa!

HAK MAN
I don't follow your logic..

STASHMAN
She's worse than my mom.

LETTY
Shut up and eat! And why are you sweating Brick??

BRICK
Because I'm fat.

LETTY
Why are you fat??

BRICK
Because I don't know what love is.

LETTY
Weirdo!

BRICK
*wisper to Hak Man* your friend's kind of mean.

LETTY
Shut up Brick! I'm you're friend too!

BRICK
Yes ma'am.


**After downing seven bottles of Saki, we went outside to the parking lot to sober up a bit**


DEANA
Hey Brick, why does your car have hood pins?

BRICK
It keeps the hood down. Don't touch them! They're load bearing..

HAK MAN
You should put a bumper sticker on your car that says, "My other car passed the State's minimum safety requirements"

BRICK
Shut up!

STASHMAN
No, you should get a bumper sticker that says, "My other car is street legal."

BRICK
I see what you did there!

DEANA
Ay so Brick tell us one of your crazy stories from when you moved to Europa.

DUTCHMAN
Woah, woah, woah! Wait a minute! You lived in Europa?? Dude, I'm from Europa!!

BRICK
Really!? You, Dutchman McEnglish, are from Europa?? I never would've guessed!


**We hugged for the second time that night.**


DUTCHMAN
Wait did you live in Dutchland or Deutschland

BRICK
I forget.

LETTY
So what made you wanna move to Europa?

BRICK
The IRS.


*Then out of nowhere, some random, badass, black guy in a cowboy hat comes up to us and starts chatting for a bit*


BILL PICKETT
Y'all motherfuckers know any good bars to pick up chicks at around here?

HAK MAN
Naw man, we're from L.A.

BILL PICKETT
Sorry didn't mean to call y'all "motherfuckers."

DUTCHMAN
No worries, you don't have to apologize.

BILL PICKETT
I just didn't want y'all to think I meant anything by it.

DEANA
Dude, even if you did mean it, at no point were you in any danger. Not with this sorryass crew.

STASHMAN
So you're trying to pick up chicks huh? Let tell you about a bar where I met my side chick..

LETTY
You have a side chick?? You're cheating on Leslie?? Bastard!


** She kicked him in the nuts. He went down.**


BRICK
Whoa! No need to get crazy! His side chick is from another area code, so it's not cheating.

LETTY
You agree with him? I could kick you too!!

DEANA
Do it Letty! His name's Brick; he's tough.

BRICK
It's a misnomer.

LETTY
I don't care!!

**She kicked me in the nuts. I went down.**


LETTY
What, you wanna get kicked in the nuts too Hak Man??

HAK
Sure, why not.


**Hak Man got kicked. He fell like his brothers before him.**


BILL PICKETT
So I guess I'll be leaving now.

STASHMAN
Letty, you asshole! Why would you do such a thing??

LETTY
I'm not an asshole! I'm a bitch, get it right!


**She kicked him again.**


BRICK
How could someone so small cause so much pain!?

HAK MAN
Wait, why wasn't Dutchman kicked?

DUTCHMAN
I've been with her long enough to figure out that I agree with everything she says 100% of the time.

LETTY
*Looks at him and smiles* isn't it awesome how we mutually agree on everything, all the time?

DUTCHMAN
Aww.

HAK MAN
You make me sick, Dutchman!

DUTCHMAN
Get 'em babe!

LETTY
Shut up, Hak Man!

**She kicked him again. As we were recovering on all fours, a random chick walked by.**

RANDOM CHICK
What's wrong with your friends?

DEANA
They're looking for their contacts.

BRICK
Well I guess the good part is that sobered me up. Someone help me to my car.  ...not you Letty! You keep your feet where I can see them.



Yup good times. Well not for me, Hak Man, or Stashman, but Dutchman sure seemed to be enjoying himself. And so did Letty. My nightmares won't be from the haunted house; they'll be from her laughter as she kicked us.


Oh the Flying Dutchman! Another great idea you can steal from ancient mythology, Marvel!
S is for Supersexy Superhero by karla_k, on Flickr
Creative Commons Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No 
Derivative Works 2.0 Generic License   by  karla_k 





*Don't forget to check out my book, Moby Brick!


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