Sunday, January 31, 2016

Breaking Dounut


I recently got a job working at a donut factory. I was pretty excited; I finally got a job in a field I love..



DAY ONE


BOSS MAN
OK new hires, now that we're done with filling out our W2's its time to open your training manuals.

BRICK
Training manual?? How hard can it be to pour polycarbonate into a donut mold?

BOSS MAN
What the hell are you talking about?

BRICK
Don't we manufacture donuts here?

BOSS MAN
We BAKE donuts. And they're not made of polycarbonate!!

BRICK
Whaaaaat? What are they made of then?

BOSS MAN
Donuts are made of dough, Brick.

BRICK
I'm in way over my head. How long is this training going to be?

BOSS MAN
Six weeks.

BRICK
Fuck me. This is gonna be a loooong fortnight!


So what makes them shiny?




MY FIRST WRITE UP


BOSS MAN
Brick!!!! Did why does this donut have a bite taken out of it!!??

BRICK
I am a weak man.

BOSS MAN
You have broken the Donutman's Code.

BRICK
There's a Donutman's Code?

BOSS MAN
You signed it on your first day!!

BRICK
My mother would be so ashamed.

BOSS MAN
That you broke the code?

BRICK
No, that I'm a donutman.

BOSS MAN
Well, that's not your only problem. So what do you have to say for yourself?

BRICK
I chewed, but I did not swallow..

Atta' boy.



UN-COWORKABLE


BOSS MAN
You look sad Brick, what's wrong?

BRICK
I think my co-workers might not like me.

BOSS MAN
Why do you think that?

BRICK
Because they taped this note to my desk that says, "We hate you," and they all signed it.

BOSS MAN
Let me see that.. who signed it with an "X"?

BRICK
I did.

BOSS MAN
Why did you sign your own hate mail??

BRICK
All the cool kids were doing it, and I wanted to be like them.

BOSS MAN
You're an idiot Brick! No wonder nobody likes you. Give me that pen, I'm gonna sign this note too.

BRICK
Aww.

BOSS MAN
Do you know how many S's are in "Boss Man?"


DOUNUT INCEPTION

Last Wednesday was Boss Man's birthday. The receptionist bought him a chocolate cake that he shared with everyone. Some of the employees from another department came and ate a few slices, so not everyone from our department got to eat some. The guys were like, "whateves" but the chicks went insane. Some started yelling obscenities. Others cried hysterically in the fetal position. One chick opened her desk drawer and pulled out a war helmet.

BRICK
What's going on??

BOSS MAN
Run for the hills boy!! Save yourself!!!



DONUT PRIVILEGE

I got pulled over on my way home from the bar the other night. The cop walked up to my car window and shined his flashlight on my face..

COP
Why you driving like that??

BRICK
Like what?

COP
You were going 65 in a 40 mph street, and then drove through a red light!!

BRICK
Whaaaat?

COP
Whats the rush son??

BRICK
No rush.

COP
So you're sayin' you just always drive like that??

BRICK
Uh... did I mention I work at a donut factory?

COP
Is that right?

BRICK
Um hmm.

COP
Well then. Are you gonna slow down or do I have to write you a ticket?

BRICK
Oh I've learned my lesson sir.

COP
Alright cool. By the way, is it true donuts are made of polycarbonate?

BRICK
You know I used to think so, but they're actually made of dough.

COP
Wow, no kidding.


Aaggghh! There's bacon on this donut!




*Don't forget to check out my book, Moby Brick!

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