Thursday, January 21, 2016

Professor Gives Easiest Exam Ever: "every answer is 'Government Expansion'"

Math classes aren't usually the ones that college students are excited to sign up for. But a Florida University math professor by the name of Rupert Winslow III teaches a statistics class which has managed to become the single most popular class on the roster of courses. It has become so popular that students from other schools travel from over 50 miles away to take the class. There is now a six month waiting list to get into the class.

There are a few theories floating around the campus as to why this is the case. Some say it's because the class is mandatory for many business and science majors. Professor Winslow believes it's due to his charm and a certain "je ne sais quoi" he felt about himself ever since he was boy. 

"I felt it mostly in my pants."

The students themselves have a different theory. "This dumbass professor gives the easiest tests ever, the answer to every single problem is 'Government Expansion,'" says one sophomore.

"I heard the rumors that all you had to write on the answer sheet was 'government expansion', or 'big government' or some variation thereof. I didn't believe it at first. I thought it was just a prank," said a former student of Winslow's. "But then he gave us a study guide for our first exam. It was just a picture of Capitol Hill. He told us, 'look at this picture. The answer to all our problems lie within it.'"

Some parents have criticized Winslow's techniques insisting he is not adequately preparing his student's for the real world. "Au contraire mon frere." Winslow replied, insisting that mentally preparing his students for huge government expansion is the best training for the future he can give to his students.

If the hat fits..

As They're All Against Me's top investigative reporter, I reached out to Professor Winslow for an interview.

Professor, I understand there are long lines that go out the door of the administration department, with students inquiring about your statistics class.

Yes, that's true. It's reminiscent of the soup lines of the former USSR. Ahh those were the good ol' days.

I was talking to former students of yours. One of them told me you gave him an A in the class even though all he turned in for his final was a drawing of a hangman.

Well normally, I like my students to put down like "Presidential Executive Orders" or something like that. But I let this one slide because most these students come from poor houses. I don't want them to wait for me in the parking lot with the assault rifle their parents bought them for their birthday.

You do know that legally registered gun owners are the least likely to use guns for crime statistically speaking, right?

That's racist!!

The professor then hung up on me and could no longer be reached for comments.

Ivy league learnedness at its finest.

*Don't forget to check out my book, Moby Brick!

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