Saturday, February 27, 2016

Brick and Nacho Do 1966


A few weeks ago, I called up my good homie Nacho...


BRICK
S'up dude? Got any plans for today?

NACHO
No.

BRICK
You down to go back to the past? I have a time machine.

NACHO
Bahaha! You mean to tell me that your dumb, donut-making ass built a time machine?? I'm not that stupid.

BRICK
I eat more dounts than I make.

NACHO
That's not better.

BRICK
And I didn't built it. Hak Man did. You know, my jet propulsion engineer friend?

NACHO
The one who accidentally lit himself on fire while driving? [actually happened]

BRICK
It wasn't an accident; it was on purpose.

NACHO
Again, not better. Don't ever defend yourself in court, Brick.

BRICK
Shut up, and come over. Bring your keyboard too.


Nacho came to my house. I took him to the backyard where I kept my time machine.


NACHO
Wow, you actually have a time machine!!

BRICK
Told you.

NACHO
So why did you need me to bring my keyboard? Is the machine activated by certain musical notes a-la-Close Encounter of the Third Kind?

BRICK
No, numbnuts. We need your keyboard because we're gonna go back to 1966 and pretend we wrote all of today's top 40 hits a-la-Dr. Evil. A record company is bound to sign us up and we'll be gozillionaires a-la-Forrest Gump.

NACHO
Dr Evil didn't steal songs from the future to sell them. He only sung them to impress his friends. That makes you more evil that a cartoonishly-evil movie villain.


You should be having that discussion with my mom



BRICK
Pfft whatever. "Is the machine activated by musical notes?" Hahaha you crack me up.

NACHO
Shut up.


We entered the time machine. I pushed a bunch of buttons and turned a bunch of dials. I had Nacho play some mood music on his keyboard. Five minutes later we emerged from the machine on a sidewalk in downtown Los Angeles on the year of our Lord 1966



NACHO
We're here!!

BRICK
Wow, so many whites. Where did my people go wrong..

NACHO
Enslaving the blacks, genociding the Indians, exploiting the Mexicans... shall I go on?

BRICK
Shut up and set up shop.

NACHO
You mean put my keyboard on it's stand?

BRICK
Yeah, do that.


I broke out my town crier bell and rang it as loud as I could.




BRICK
Hear ye! Hear ye! Gather round for a musical performance from two young whipper snappers! It'll be a grand ole time!!

NACHO
Dude it's 1966 not 1866. Quit acting like one of those douche bag old timey reenactors.

BRICK
Gather round you dolts!! Be entertained by the musical stylings of "The Big Brick and a Turd!"

NACHO
Hey! I did not agree to that name!


I broke out into song as Nacho supported me on keyboard. A crowd started forming around us.


BRICK
I don't fuck with yooouuuu!!
You stupid dumb bitch, I ain't fucking with youuuuu!!
I got a million, trillion things I'd rather fucking do!!


The crowd began commenting on our performance.


CROWD GUY
What the hell is that? Is that meant to be a song??

CROWD GUY # 2
Who wrote these lyrics? A fowl mouthed five year old??

NACHO
The crowd's turning on us! Change songs!

BRICK
OK! Um, let's see...

I gotta feeling!!
tonight's gonna be a good, good night!
Really good night oh so good, good night
Way totally good night!!

CROWD CHICK
Not if you're there it wont!

NACHO
Mazel Tov!

CROWD JEW
That's offensive!

BRICK
Tonight's gonna be a good, good really good good night!

CROWD GUY #3
You sang that line like five times already!

CROWD GUY #2
These guys have the creativity of a rock!

BRICK
Oh so totally good, good night!

CROWD CHICK
Someone buy these idiots a thesaurus!

NACHO
A black guy just showed up! Quick change the song to one about booty!

BRICK
Kanye West don't fail me now!

Make that ass shake
That's an ass quake
Build a crib on dat ass
That's an ass state
Roll a join on your booty
That's an ass tray

CROWD BLACK GUY
Come on guys, this is just embarrassing!

NACHO
The crowd's getting irate!

BRICK
They can't handle this awesome modern music! It's too advanced for them!! I should've known not to mess with the fine Persian fabrics of space/time!

NACHO
Where did they get those torches from??

BRICK
Run!!


We managed to get back to the time machine and flashforwarded to my backyard in the year of Satan 2016 but not before getting lynched


BRICK
Well you're a brown boy and you got lynched. At least you got the authentic old timey experience you won't get at those lame reenactment parks.

NACHO
My ancestors fought hard so I could walk the streets without getting lynched!

BRICK
Hey I got lynched too! What's done is done.

NACHO
Now I gotta dress these pitchfork wounds. You got band-aids for that?

BRICK
Yes, I do. This isn't my first pitch forking, you know.


Bet you didn't know what the round ones were for did you?


NACHO
Oh that's right, the clog dancing incident. I forgot about that. Well at least this time you're only partially to blame.


Nah, I still blame 100% of it on this asshole





*Don't forget to check out my book, Moby Brick! 






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