Sunday, March 27, 2016

Doucheback Mountain


It was my homie Pun's birthday recently, and I threw a barbecue for him. Something I realized is that me and my friends are douches to eachother...


Pun, Landlord Patrick, Nacho, Cuervo, Hak Man, Deana, K Mo, Brett and a few other random homies show up to my house around 7 PM for the barbecue. I welcome them in and we all gather round in my kitchen.


BRICK
What up peeps? Welcome to my humble abode.

PUN
Coulda said trashy, messy, falling apart, but you went with "humble," good word choice.

BRICK
Says the guy who's jalopy is literally held together with duct tape. You didn't park that piece of junk close to my house did you?

PUN
I didn't drive here dumbass. Remember? I told you I was taking Amtrak.

BRICK
Oh right. Man, your people have come a long way.

PUN
What do you mean?

BRICK
Well, it used to be a bad thing when they put Jews on trains.

PUN
I'm not Jewish!

DEANA
Not by birth but in spirit.

NACHO
Ooh burnt by a girl!!!

PUN
Whatever. Did you actually remember to buy food this time, jerkwad?

BRICK
Yes, I bought hamburger patties. That way you don't have to make all the food like last time. Did you remember to bring your rape whistle?

PUN
Yes.

HAK MAN
You're the only man I know who's bee raped... twice!

PUN
It was a rough week.
 

We all glower at Cuervo.


CUERVO
What!? Don't look at me like that! I told you guys, I was drunk. Besides you shoulda heard the way he was snoring. I thought he was livestock.

NACHO
Ooooh he called you livestock, dog! You gonna let him talk to you like that?

BRICK
Stop trying to make a fight happen, Nacho. This is gonna be a peaceful barbecue.

NACHO
Yeah, till I get you drunk. "Thought he was livestock." Fucking hillbilly.

CUERVO
Quit bringing up the past!

BRICK
Let's get this started shall we?


I pulled out the ground beef from my fridge.


PUN
What the fuck!? I thought you said you bought patties!!??

BRICK
Dude I can't afford to buy those pre-made store bought patties.

PUN
Shit, now that means we have to make them! It's already fucking 8 PM!

BRICK
Relax bro, how hard is it to make damn patty??

PUN
See this is why I don't hang around white people. You're supposed to season them and throw eggs in it so the patty stays together and doesn't break apart. You don't even have eggs do you?

BRICK
Whatever man. If you wanna get all complicated then YOU do it.

PUN
*sigh* how did I know this was gonna happen. Alright give me a big mixing bowl.

BRICK
Don't have one.

PUN
Of course you don't. Guess I'll have to use this vase. Now where are your cutting knives?

BRICK
Don't have any.

PUN
You don't have knives!!??

BRICK
Of course I have knives! Just not cutting knives. I got these plastic ones...

PUN
You're a fucking loser Brick. I bet five years from now you still won't have any metal knives or a girl friend.

BRICK
And I bet five years from now you'll still be unemployed. You're an unemployed, balding, forty-year old man who plays video games all day. You're wife's really holding you back. You'd get so much pussy if it wasn't for her!

K MO
Wow you actually had a good come back for once. 

PUN
Our little Brick's growing up. I'm gonna take a picture of this moment, print it out, and put it up on my fridge.

BRICK
Right next to your son's D minus history paper.

PUN
Hey! You know Pun Jr has a learning disability.

NACHO
Yeah, it's called bad-fatheritis.

PUN
Alright all you fuckers get out!! This is my kitchen now!!


We all went to the back yard to get our drink on while Pun slaved away in the kitchen. An hour later I went to go check on him.



BRICK
What the hell's taking you so long!! Don't make me replace you with the Swifter Wetback. Get it? Like in the commercials?

NACHO
I heard that!

PUN
Dude be patient! I just spent twenty minutes mincing garlic with a plastic knife. Do you know how much work that is?

BRICK
Why didn't you just use the garlic press?

PUN
You don't have a mixing bowl or even knives but you have a garlic press!!??

BRICK
Duh. Who doesn't have one? It's a cooking essential.


 True story


The whole crew rushed into the kitchen to get Pun off me as he was strangling me with both hands. I had managed to grab his rape whistle and blew it as loud as I could to alert them of the situation.


NACHO
Score! I knew I'd see some action. Well, I'll be leaving now.

DEANA
Come on guys! You're practically brothers! You shouldn't be fighting.

HAK MAN
I know what'll calm everyone down. Ya'll need to smoke the peace pipe.


He broke out some blunts and we started hitting it like drum machine.


BRICK
Guys!!! I'm hitting this blunt pretty hard!! Why am I not getting high!!??

LANDLORD PATRICK
You are high!!

BRICK
Oh! Then why aren't you guys getting high?? I want you to get high too!

HAK MAN
We are high!

BRICK
OK cool!!!

K MO
Why are you yelling, Brick?

BRICK
I'm not sure!!! I think I might be high!!!


The rest of the night was a blur. I don't remember much other then I remember being so drunk I was crawling on the ground at one point. Hak Man lit his hand on fire, Deana stuck her face in the fiery grill to light her joint, and Cuervo raped Pun for a third time. If only I hadn't taken his rape whistle from him. I guess it'll teach him to carry a spare.


Dedicated to my brother, the one and only Pun. Hope you had a good birthday dog!!










No comments:

Post a Comment

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...