Thursday, June 30, 2016

In Contempt of Donut


Oh hi there, fellow reader!

What's it like to work at a donut factory you ask? Well, I shall tell you...


IM CONVOS

We chat via IM:

LEAD
Brick!! Didn't I tell you to close out existing accounts before putting in new sales orders!! Don't act like you forgot!!

BRICK
Damn I was so gonna go for the "I forgot defense" but you saw it coming. You should be a lawyer. Specifically a DA.

LEAD
Shut up and stop being lazy!!

BRICK
Am I a bad man, Lead? Tell me I'm good.

LEAD

You want me to lie??

BRICK

If you would please.

LEAD

Fine, I will. You're a good person.

BRICK
Yay!! Thank you!! I'm giving you a thumbs up from my cubical. It's the best finger I can give you.

LEAD
Watch it, boy!


Although that's up for debate from what I understand.


BRICK
Seriously though, thanks for saying I'm a good person. I'm gonna call my mom to let her know.

LEAD
Lol

BRICK
I'll be like, "shows what you know mamma!!"

LEAD
Boy you is messed up in the head.



I HAVE A PROBLEM


We have conversations in the break room:


BRICK
So last night my homie snuck a bottle of liquor into the bar. We got smashed!!

RANDOM COWORKER #26
Nice. What kind of liquor?

BRICK
I'm not sure. It was one of the browns.

RC #26
One of the browns??

BRICK
Yeah, there's two flavors of liquor: the brown kind and the see-through kind.

RC #26
Dude, there's a shit load of brown liquors! There's whiskey, scotch, bourbon, rum...

BRICK
Reading the label on a bottle only wastes precious drinking seconds!! Besides, I'm gonna drink it anyway. So what's the point of reading the label?


My coworker then slowly backed away, while keeping his eyes on me.


Tell it like it is, Batman!



AND DONUTS FOR ALL

We get in spats:


BOSS MAN
Brick, you made a sale for $3,000 donut order?

BRICK
Yes I did! You here to congratulate me?

BOSS MAN
No I'm here to take it away from you.

BRICK
What?? Why!?

BOSS MAN
That's a lot of donuts, and it's multiple flavor lines. I'm gonna flip it to the Big Boy Pants department.

BRICK
But I'm wearing my big boy pants!!

BOSS MAN
Son, those are dickies shorts. And didn't I tell you not to wear those at work anymore??

BRICK
Well my SOUL is wearing big boy pants!!

BOSS MAN
Just how am I supposed to verify that?? Never mind; don't answer. Look Brick, the Big Boy Pants department is better equipped to deal with large load orders like this, OK?

BRICK
Oh please! They aren't fit to sell a lunch bag full of donut holes to a hobo under a bridge!

RANDOM COWORKER # 82
I thought I recognized you from somewhere!

BOSS MAN
You're outta line Brick!

BRICK
I'm not outta line! You're outta line! The whole jelly donut assembly is outta line!! Then you reach into a pile of jelly and it was your best friend's face!! You'll know what to do!!!


I was then held in contempt of donut. Or not. I might be confusing my life with a movie. I do that sometimes. 


Like that time I thought I told the pelican to fly. Turns out it was Scarface.




*Don't forget to check out my book, Moby Brick! 






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