Saturday, December 17, 2016

Confessions of an Uber Driver


So now that I make doughnutman money, I no longer have to work two jobs. Two years ago, it was a different story. I used to drive for Uber on the weekends. I met some interesting people along the way..


MY FIRST RIDE

I remember my very first day as a driver. The Uber app "pinged" and the GPS lead me straight to the ghetto. I pulled up to a humble house in the middle of the street. A young man walked up to my car. He looked like a straight up gangster complete with locs and a wife-beater.

CHOLO McGANGSTER
Wassup homie? 

BRICK
I'm here for Alex.

CHOLO McGANGSTER
Why you tryina get at my cousin foo!?

BRICK
Get at him? You calling me gay??

CHOLO McGANGSTER
Alex is a girl fucker!

BRICK
Oooh as in Alexan - DRRUUH

CHOLO McGANGSTER
Shut up, foo. And you still ain't tell me why u tryina pick her up.

BRICK
I'm her Uber driver.

CHOLO McGANGSTER
Oh, I thought you were a cop.

BRICK
Cause you're always committing crimes?

CHOLO McGANGSTER
Naw, cause you look like one.

BRICK
What?? Dem's fightin words!!

CHOLO McGANGSTER
Yeah, but you ain't a fightin man.

BRICK
Oh right. Thanks for reminding me. I coulda been in a world of trouble.

CHOLO McGANGSTER
Anytime, Guero.

Cholo McGangster, wanted in LA County for assaulting my feelings.


Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Hobolicious (no shave November!)


Hello numbnuts!! I know I haven't posted in a while and you're probably wondering what was Brick been up to in the month of November? Well I will fill you in...


CAN'T BAG ME LOVE

I went grocery shopping in the ghetto other day (gotta love them peasant prices!). My shopping cart was packed to the brim with veggies and raw chicken as I pulled up the cashier and bag girl.

CASHIER
Wow, that's a lot of food. Do you own a business?

BAG GIRL
Wearing those clothes? I doubt it. He looks more like one of those guys who thinks the orangutan zombie uprising is bound to strike at any moment and he's preparing for it now.

I rolled my eyes

BRICK
Oh yeah that's totally what I'm doing. Gee you're so perceptive; how did you know?  

BAG GIRL
Your beard; it speaks to me.

Wake me up when November ends... so I can shave this scruffy-ass beard!!

BRICK
You're pretty mouthy for someone who bags groceries for a living. You're doing a fantastic job by the way.

BAG GIRL
Thank you. And I'm only doing this to pay the bills while I pursue a career as an exotic dancer.

BRICK
I see. Well, good luck with that. And no, I'm not preping for the apocalypse. I just really hate cooking. So once a month I cook a shit load of food and freeze it all in disposable containers. Then I take them out as needed, heat it on a disposable plate in the microwave. When I'm done I chuck it all in the trash. No fuss; no muss.

BAG GIRL
Cause fuck the environment right?

BRICK
Hey, I won't be here when it all comes crashing down.

CASHIER
So you essentially make your own frozen dinners.

BAG GIRL
Hey you know what you should look into buying?? Frozen dinners!!

The sarcasm is strong with this one


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