Saturday, December 17, 2016

Confessions of an Uber Driver


So now that I make doughnutman money, I no longer have to work two jobs. Two years ago, it was a different story. I used to drive for Uber on the weekends. I met some interesting people along the way..


MY FIRST RIDE

I remember my very first day as a driver. The Uber app "pinged" and the GPS lead me straight to the ghetto. I pulled up to a humble house in the middle of the street. A young man walked up to my car. He looked like a straight up gangster complete with locs and a wife-beater.

CHOLO McGANGSTER
Wassup homie? 

BRICK
I'm here for Alex.

CHOLO McGANGSTER
Why you tryina get at my cousin foo!?

BRICK
Get at him? You calling me gay??

CHOLO McGANGSTER
Alex is a girl fucker!

BRICK
Oooh as in Alexan - DRRUUH

CHOLO McGANGSTER
Shut up, foo. And you still ain't tell me why u tryina pick her up.

BRICK
I'm her Uber driver.

CHOLO McGANGSTER
Oh, I thought you were a cop.

BRICK
Cause you're always committing crimes?

CHOLO McGANGSTER
Naw, cause you look like one.

BRICK
What?? Dem's fightin words!!

CHOLO McGANGSTER
Yeah, but you ain't a fightin man.

BRICK
Oh right. Thanks for reminding me. I coulda been in a world of trouble.

CHOLO McGANGSTER
Anytime, Guero.

Cholo McGangster, wanted in LA County for assaulting my feelings.


Then his cousin Alex walked from out of the house and got into my car.

BRICK
So you're Alex?

ALEX
Yes. Well, Alexandra. I put my name as "Alex" on the Uber app. That way drivers will think I'm a guy just to be safe.

BRICK
It's the perfect ploy! Until they pick you up and realize you're a cute, nineteen year old girl.

ALEX
Shut up! All tryina flirt. Hey what did my cousin tell you when you pulled up? Don't be scurred of him. He's an idiot.

BRICK
Oh please, Alexan - wait for it - DRUUH. I ain't scurred. I'll have you know my pants were soiled before I got here.



LEGAL STATUS?


Another night I was once again sent to the ghetto to pick up a girl from a house party. She was kind of flirty. This worried me...

GIRLY
Hi, you're cute. What's your name?

BRICK
Brick.

GIRLY
Brick? What kind of dumb name is that??

BRICK
Just because my name is Brick doesn't mean I don't have feelings!

Little Girly, wanted in LA County for assaulting my feelings.


GIRLY
Chill out, homie.

BRICK
So, um, are you an illegal?

GIRLY
Seriously? I was born in this country fool!

BRICK
No that's not what I mean. I mean that you look...

GIRLY
What? I look what??

BRICK
Youthful.

GIRLY
Oooh you mean am I legal age for you to smash.

BRICK
Exactly. See? There was no need to take offense.

GIRLY
Wait, how old do you think I am?

BRICK
Well..

GIRLY
How old?? Speak!

BRICK
You look like you're hoping to pass the CAHSEE.

GIRLY
I'll have you know I'm twenty one!!

BRICK
Oh OK; good.

GIRLY
Good?

BRICK
I was starting to think I was a bad man.

GIRLY
Huh?

BRICK
What?


And Then There Were Three

One night  I picked up three chicks from a club in Brea. One was drunk, one was semi drunk, and one was a bitch.

DRUNKETTE
Oh wow, you're a hottie patottie!

BRICK
That's probably the dorkiest compliment I've ever received.

BITCH
That's probably the only compliment you've ever received.

SEMI DRUNKETTE
So what's your name?

BRICK
My name's Brick.

BITCH
Pfft! Were you're parents hippies or something?

BRICK
I don't know. They never told me.

DRUNKETTE
You think you're so funny Brick. Oh my gosh, you have the bluest eyes! Are you a whiteboy?

BRICK
White and Mexican actually.

SEMI DRUNKETTE
Mixed races are always good looking.

BITCH
Must of skipped a generation. 

So is one of you going to start chanting "amok" now?

 
DRUNKETTE
Oh my gosh, Prince is on the radio!! Turn it up Brick!! Oh you're in trouble now! I want your body!! Give me your body!!

BITCH
Dammit, Jennifer! You do this every time!

BRICK
If she does it every time, what's one more time?

BITCH
You stay outta this Brick!

BRICK
Hey I didn't ask to be in this situation. It was thrusted upon me.
  
DRUNKETTE
Brick wants to get thrusted!

SEMI DRUNKETTE
He's turning red!

BITCH
And sweating perfusely. Come on girls we're home.

SEMI DRUNKETTE
Too bad you weren't more aggressive, Brick. We could of hooked up.

BRICK
We still can. Give me your number.

SEMI DRUNKETTE
Give it to him, Jen. He's a cutie.

BITCH
There's no time.

As I pulled up to their pad, Bitch opened the door and started grabbing the other two.

BRICK
Wait, let me at least give her my number!   

DRUNKETTE
I don't want your number; I want your body.

BRICK
Wait! Come back!

SEMI DRUNKETTE
Bye Brick with blue eyes!

BRICK
Noooooooooo! 


I would like to take this time to point out that these stories happened BEFORE I met my one and only beautiful Babygirl.


This both saves me from an ass wuppin and is an excuse to post a pic of my smokin hottie patottie gf.





*Don't forget to check out my book, Moby Brick! 













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