Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Hobolicious (no shave November!)


Hello numbnuts!! I know I haven't posted in a while and you're probably wondering what was Brick been up to in the month of November? Well I will fill you in...


CAN'T BAG ME LOVE

I went grocery shopping in the ghetto other day (gotta love them peasant prices!). My shopping cart was packed to the brim with veggies and raw chicken as I pulled up the cashier and bag girl.

CASHIER
Wow, that's a lot of food. Do you own a business?

BAG GIRL
Wearing those clothes? I doubt it. He looks more like one of those guys who thinks the orangutan zombie uprising is bound to strike at any moment and he's preparing for it now.

I rolled my eyes

BRICK
Oh yeah that's totally what I'm doing. Gee you're so perceptive; how did you know?  

BAG GIRL
Your beard; it speaks to me.

Wake me up when November ends... so I can shave this scruffy-ass beard!!

BRICK
You're pretty mouthy for someone who bags groceries for a living. You're doing a fantastic job by the way.

BAG GIRL
Thank you. And I'm only doing this to pay the bills while I pursue a career as an exotic dancer.

BRICK
I see. Well, good luck with that. And no, I'm not preping for the apocalypse. I just really hate cooking. So once a month I cook a shit load of food and freeze it all in disposable containers. Then I take them out as needed, heat it on a disposable plate in the microwave. When I'm done I chuck it all in the trash. No fuss; no muss.

BAG GIRL
Cause fuck the environment right?

BRICK
Hey, I won't be here when it all comes crashing down.

CASHIER
So you essentially make your own frozen dinners.

BAG GIRL
Hey you know what you should look into buying?? Frozen dinners!!

The sarcasm is strong with this one


BRICK
Believe me I would if I could. The less work I gotta do the better. But they don't make healthy frozen dinners. When I make them myself at least I know exactly what's going into them.

BAG GIRL
Oh right cause the chemtrails.

BRICK
Was my beard speaking to you again?

BAG GIRL
Actually this time it was your B.O. Sweat me a fucking river.

BRICK
Hey it's glandular! They stuck you with her as a punishment didn't they?

CASHIER
She's alright. Helps pass the time. So how long does it take you to make a month's worth of frozen dinners?

BRICK
It takes about eight to nine hours of chopping veggies, steaming rice, cooking chicken etc.

CASHIER
Wow, that's impressive.

BRICK
The best part is I freeze these veggies at the peak of their nutrious-ness.

BAG GIRL
Only to nuke all the vitamins out in the microwave right before eating it. Fail!

BRICK
Girl I'm bout to smack you eight ways from Sunday.

BAG GIRL
That's not how that expression goes.

BRICK 
And why are you yelling? I'm like two feet way from you!

BAG GIRL
That's just how I talk. I've always been loud. My mom used to say she couldn't always see me, but she could always hear me.

BRICK
She would say that with her teeth closed wouldn't she?

CASHIER
Man, and you do all this work just because you hate cooking. You're like the hardest working lazy guy!

BRICK
Quite the opposite actually.

BAG GIRL
You're the laziest hard working guy??

BRICK
Bingo.

Gather round, folks! Gather round! Come see the world's laziest hard working guy!!

CASHIER
Ok sir, your total is $255.37

BRICK
Thank you.

BAG GIRL
Do you need any help out? 

BRICK
Not if it's from you.

BAG GIRL
Aww come on! I've been busting your balls this whole time and I don't even get a phone number?

BRICK
Hell no! You're about as terrible at flirting as you are at bagging groceries.

BAG GIRL
But you said I was doing a fantastic job, the best you'd ever seen even.

BRICK 
I lied. Don't quit your night job, whatever it is they pay you.

CASHIER
Oooh burn!!

BAG GIRL
Yeah, me: 99; bearded weirdo: 1

BRICK
Have a good night guys. Y'all were fun.

CASHIER
See you next month.

BAG GIRL
If the Illuminati doesn't get you...  



A ROLLING DONUT GATHERS NO MOSS 


A few weeks ago, the  dounut factory that I work at was having a bake sale for the rich kids who have the Gout. Management sent out a company-wide email listing names of employees and the various goodies they had pledged to bake. I wanted to do my part, so I sent a reply email to my boss who was overseeing the event.

BRICK
Dear Boss Lady,

I would like to contribute to the bake sale we are having next week. I will be making a lava cake minus the lava.

She wrote me back

BOSS LADY
Dear Wolfman Boy Genius,

(I still can't believe we agreed to let you guys pick your own email nicknames!). First of all, you hit "reply all" on a company-wide email. Now everyone in the whole company got your email. How many times do I have to tell you to stop doing that! Second of all, what do you mean a lava cake minus the lava? A lava cake is supposed to have lava!!

BRICK 
I don't make them like that.

BOSS LADY
Dude, a volcano without lava is just called a mountain; and a lava cake without lava is just called chocolate cake! Probably dry as heck too.

BRICK
Hey! You don't hear me complaining about how you call things!

BOSS LADY
Yeah, that's because I call things how they're supposed to be called!!

BRICK
Well bully for you!!!


Later during my break, I went into the cafeteria


RANDOM COWORKER # 298,374
Hey Brick! What's up with your lava cake with no lava??

BRICK
Look! I don't know how to make the lava part so I will just make the land part of a volcano OK??

RANDOM COWORKER # 2
Come on guys, don't make fun of Brick just because he can't produce any lava.

RANDOM COWORKER # 0.05
 Sounds like a personal problem.

BRICK
You're all against me!! I swear to Bob I'm gonna poison that cake and take us all out in a blaze of chocolatey goodness!!


Man, I'm really good at baking cakes!! Also, apparently I have no reflections in mirrors..



THE FIRE

Who doesn't like a good fire story? No one I know, so that's what I'll wrap this post up with...

The other day the building adjacent to our donut factory caught fire. As pillars of black smoke ascended to the heavens all us employees gathered at our government sponsored factory window to watch it go down.


RANDOM COWORKER #32
Boss Lady, can I go home? This smoke is really affecting my arthritis.

BOSS LADY
You mean your asthma?

RANDOM COWORKER #32
Yeah that too.

BOSS LADY
Sure, why not?

BRICK
Boss Lady, can I go outside and roast marshmallows in the fire on my break?

BOSS LADY
For the last time Brick, NO!!

BRICK
Doesn't there have to be a first time for there to be a last time?

BOSS LADY
Shut up and put those marshmallows back in the supply closet!!

BRICK
But I brought these marshmallows from home!

BOSS LADY
Why do you bring marshmallows to work??

BRICK
In case there's a fire.

BOSS LADY
You bring marshmallows to work in the event that there will be a fire and you'll have a chance to roast them!? Of all the stupidest, most unlieky things to prepare for!!!

BRICK
And yet here we find ourselves...

BOSS LADY
I hate you so much its unreal.

BRICK
Sooo you're saying... ?

BOSS LADY
Just go.


One man's spontaneously combusted engine is another man's s'mores






*Don't forget to check out my book, Moby Brick! 







No comments:

Post a Comment

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...