Friday, April 7, 2017

Conversations with Brick

Set your phasers to intelect!



Y'all Be Sinnin'!


The other day I was locking the door to my apartment as I headed out. I saw the bum who picks cans from our apartment dumpster...

BUM
S'up Brick.

BRICK
S'up Luis.

BUM
My name's Harold.

BRICK
Whatever.

BUM
You going to Arco?

BRICK
No, tonight I go to Chevron.

BUM
Ooooh! What's the occasion?

BRICK
It's Fat Tuesday, my man.

BUM
It is? Shit I thought it was Flag Day. Damn that means I gotta go stab my brother before midnight.

BRICK
Why? Are you giving up shanking people for Lent? Hehe.

BUM
No.


I walked into Chevron where my main man Zutroy was working the counter.


ZUTROY
Good evening Sir Brick, so nice to see you.

BRICK
What up Zutroy. I'll have the usual.


Looks nothing like this guy...


ZUTROY
OK, one Hershey's with almonds coming up. And how would you like your soda this evening?

BRICK
Effervescent as fuck!

ZUTROY
Of course. Oscar! *claps his hands twice* Fetch me a cola from 2017.

BRICK
Ahh 2017. That was a great year... so far.

ZUTROY
Indeed.


It's good to be king.



Tea Time is a Dying Breed


The other night my beautiful Babygirl came over to my apartment...

BRICK
Hey Babe, how's it going?

BABYGIRL
I have a bit of a sore throat actually.

BRICK
Aww poor baby. Would you like some green tea?

BABYGIRL
You have green tea!? In your bachelor pad straight out of Joe's Apartment!?

BRICK
Pun gave it to me.

BABYGIRL
Pun?? Your friend that set the old lady on fire at the petting zoo??

BRICK
Hey! That's for the courts to decide!

BABYGIRL
And what did the courts decide?

BRICK
Got declared a mistrial.

BABYGIRL
Uh huh. Well OK then. I'll have a cup of non-convicted felon Pun's green tea.

BRICK
OK cool. So, um, the thing is I don't have cups anymore, Babe. I lost them in a fire.

BABYGIRL
At the petting zoo??

BRICK
No it was a non-related fire in Carlsbad. Worst Flag Day ever.

BABYGIRL
You have way too many fire stories for someone who's not a firefighter.

BRICK
I wanted to be a firefighter, but I couldn't run a mile fast enough on account of my crow's feet.

BABYGIRL
Don't you mean chicken legs?

BRICK
Do not question my knowledge of medical terms!


She's lucky she's pretty.



BABYGIRL
Well I guess neither one makes for good calendars.

BRICK
Huh?

BABYGIRL
Nothing. Wait how is this even possible? You refuse to set foot in Carlsbad. You said their zoning laws disgust you.

BRICK
I said my cups caught fire, not me. Do you even listen when I talk??

BABYGIRL
Yes, although I keep questioning that decision. So how am I supposed to drink this tea then?

BRICK
Don't worry baby, I got you. I'll just use a Rubbermaid glass bowl.

BABYGIRL
Seriously?

BRICK
That's how they drink their tea in France. Don't you wanna be a fancy Frenchman?

BABYGIRL
Well I don't have much choice do I?

BRICK
There there, quit your bitchin. I'll put on Rise of the Zombie Orangutans while your tea warms up.

BABYGIRL
Another horror movie?

BRICK
No baby, it's a YouTube documentary. You know how I like to stay learned.


Is it any surprise they surrendered to the Nazis?


Drug Dealers Are Also Dying


I called up an old homie on the phone the other day...

HOMIE
So I had to kick a crazy prostitute out of my pad the other day. I never laid hands on a woman before.

BRICK
Well except that one time you beat up Scopes. You gave his girlfriend a good smack across the face.

HOMIE
Oh yeah. Well that's because she stabbed me with a butterfly knife. You're allowed to hit a woman if she stabs you with a butterfly knife.

BRICK
Words to live by.

HOMIE
I still can't believe Scopes tried to gyp me on that weed deal. People don't have respect anymore.

BRICK
It starts at home. I blame that Harry Potter feller.

HOMIE
He's the Devil.


Well he's certainly got mad crow's feet.





*Don't forget to check out my book, Moby Brick's Unshuffled Deck!






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