Monday, June 26, 2017

Slice of Brick


Wuddup my fan(s)!!! It's been a while since I've posted to my blog so I won't torture you any longer. I will now answer the question both Trump and CNN are dying to know: what has Brick been up to??

Way to stay relevant, Brick!!


BUM-A-NOMICS

Every day I go to the Riverfront Park in Commerce. It has access to the Los Angeles river that I walk along. Some people live under the bridges there. And I mean straight up live as in they got a whole little set up with chest of drawers and bikes hanging from the "ceiling" and whatnot.

Los Angeles River, population: 2 bridge gremlins 

It smells rank as fuck cuz they shit and piss there too.  So I guess the city decided to put an end to bridge-dwelling. Yesterday two city trucks came to haul all the bums' belongings away. One of them watched from a distance as the few possessions he owned got trashed. I felt bad for the dude. I imagined him talking to his friends at the soup kitchen the next day: 


LAND HOBO
What's up man, how are things?

RIVER HOBO
It's been hard times.

LAND HOBO
Duh, you live under a bridge.

RIVER HOBO
Not no more I don't. My place just got raided.

LAND HOBO
By narcs?

RIVER HOBO
Nah, parks & rec.

LAND HOBO
Those bastards.

RIVER HOBO
So, uh, I'm starting a collection to get new furniture..

LAND HOBO
Oh I'd love to help out, but I already gave at the office.



GOT JUMPED?


I left my pad the other morning at 7:50 AM which gave me plenty of time to make it to work by 8:00 AM seeing as how I live nine minutes away from the donut factory. Of course when I got in my car, it didn't start. It was too late to call AAA, so I hit the street and started hitch hiking. Two seconds later my coworker pulls up.


CHICK
Oh my gosh, Brick?? Is this how you get to work everyday?

BRICK
Chick from work! Thank goodness you were driving by!

**she started rubbing her thumb and fingers together**

CHICK
So how much for some of that white meat!?

BRICK
Yeah, yeah. Hey the door's locked. let me in!

CHICK
Hold on, I gotta get my phone.

BRICK
You have an app to unlock your car?

CHICK
No dick, I'm gonna snap a pic. Say cheese!


Skip to 1:40



BRICK
Dude, we're gonna be late! People are honking!

RANDOM BUM
Don't let him in your car; he looks insane.

CHICK
I work with him.

RANDOM BUM
Oh, I'm sorry.

BRICK
It's alright.

RANDOM BUM
I was talking to her.

**we drove off**

CHICK
So what happened? You get a flat? At least you live next to a tire shop. Convenient.

BRICK
Please don't tell anyone where I live. I have lots of enemies.

CHICK
I'm only gonna tell people at work.

BRICK
Yeah, that's who I'm talking about.





I DID NOT CHOOSE THE DONUT LIFE



One of our customers called in to the donut factory last week. He had bought some of our mail order donuts...


BRICK
This is Brick, how may I stuff your donut hole?

CUST
The postman just delivered your donuts, and he made me pay $20 for excess weight!!!

BRICK
That's just wrong. I'm pretty sure it's illegal to charge you for being fat. Although I guess if you're gonna hold a box of donuts for ransom it would make sense to do it to a fat guy. I see what they were going for to be honest.

CUST
I'm not overweight, you idiot! The package was!!

BRICK
Oooohh riiiiigght. It was the package. I hear you, sir. *wink*

CUST
Well?? Are you guys gonna pay for the overweight fee??

BRICK
The thing is, we can only cover it if you come down in person to prove you're not fat. I mean we gotta make sure its not a valid charge.

CUST
*click*

BRICK
*wink*

BOSS LADY
Are you winking at the phone again, Brick?

BRICK
I was just giving some fat fuck a hard time.
 
BOSS LADY
Good, I secretly hate people who eat donuts.

BRICK
But I eat donuts all the ti - oh

BOSS LADY
*smiles*

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