Thursday, August 30, 2018

Thoughts and Prayers are Stupid! Give up Your Rears



Hello chumps and chumpettes,

Brick Cruz here, doin' some 'vestigatin!'


Brick Man! Investigative reporter extraordinaire!


Yesterday I met with Professor Kumquat from some Ivy league school. I forget which one exactly, but the important thing is that he's recently made controversial statements about the uselessness of prayer, specifically pertaining to mass shootings.


BRICK
Thank you for meeting with me Professor. I have to ask, is Kumquat your real name?

KUMQUAT
No, it's my Indian name.

BRICK
Oh, what's your heritage?

KUMQUAT
Irish/German.

BRICK
You should run for Senate.

KUMQUAT
I don't get it?


You're not the only one.


BRICK
"Kumquat" is kind of long. Do you mind if I call you Kum?

KUMQUAT
I do mind, actually. "Kum" is a toxic masculine subconscious normative.

BRICK
Fine, I'll just call you Quat - rhymes with twat.

KUM
Ooh, that I like!

BRICK
No surprise there. So, Quat, what are you a professor of exactly?

KUM
Culturally appropriated micro-aggression studies with a focus on gender fluidity.

BRICK
This should be fun. Now, you came under fire last week for some statements you made about prayer. You said:

"Praying is useless and retarded. Especially when it comes to mass shootings. We need real solutions."

As a Christian, I have to disagree with that.


KUM
Hmph! Of course you would. Do you pray for world peace?

BRICK
Yes, I do.

KUM
How's that working out for you? Huh? Last time I checked the news, the world is still a violent place. I know! It must be that you're not praying hard enough! Or maybe not enough of us prayed for God to bother listening. Oh, if only everyone converted to Christianity! Everyone would be so nice to each other!!

BRICK
Yeah, that's kind of the point. And prayer isn't just about getting wishes granted. It's about building a relationship with God, expressing gratitude, and gaining deeper -

KUM
Yeah, yeah whatever! I'm only interested in instantaneous results caused by knee-jerk reactionary politics! Let's say I shot you with an assault rifle..

BRICK
What's an "assault" rifle?

KUM
One of the scary looking ones.

BRICK
Such as?

KUM
I don't know what they're called. I don't study up on guns.

BRICK
That's a big part of the problem.


Gun with handles! So danger! Much scary! Very assault!


KUM
So, as I was saying, if I shot you with a gun, do you think thoughts and prayers would stop the bullets from penetrating your body?

BRICK
Fair enough - they wouldn't.

KUM
That's right! We need real solutions.

BRICK
So, you're suggesting people should arm themselves, get training, be proactive in self-defense?

KUM
What are you crazy? Where did you get your ideas for a civilized society? Hitler?

BRICK
Actually Hitler banned guns from Jews so they couldn't defend themselves when he genocided them. He also banned them from all the countries he occupied so they couldn't rise up against his tyranny. Stalin and Mao Tze Tung banned guns as well. It made it easier for them to run their dictatorships.

KUM
Yeah? Well, I'm not looking to the past okay?

BRICK
Another big part of the problem. Alright, so if you don't believe in thoughts and prayers and you don't believe in people defending themselves, what is your solution? Call the cops? That's hardly revolutionary. That's probably most people's reaction to -

KUM
Call the cops?? Guys trained in violence and shooting who carry guns? Are you insane? Why would you bring more guns to a tragedy caused by guns? How will that help?

BRICK
Well, cops with guns often stop mass shootings. It's what ended the Aurora shooting, the 2016 Dallas shooting, the Fort Hood shooting... Of course, that doesn't compare to the amount of mass shootings stopped, and more importantly, prevented by armed citizens as reported by numerous sources including the Washington Post.

KUM
I wish Antifa was here right now. They would shut you down so quick.

BRICK
With some logically sound, well-researched, arguments?

KUM
No, with a bike lock to your dome.

BRICK
Well, it might not be as easy for them as you think. I'm packing.

KUM
Oh, wow. I didn't know I was being interviewed by a racist!

BRICK
How is carrying a gun racist??

KUM
If I have to explain, you're too far gone as it is.

BRICK
Okay, you know what, we're getting off track here. Let's just talk about your solution to mass shootings. Since, praying, defending yourself, and even calling the cops are all off the table, how then would someone survive a mass shooting according to you?

KUM
Well, the real solution would be to ban all guns. Then no one would have guns to shoot up crowds anymore.

BRICK
Oh, yeah. Cause that's exactly what happened with drugs. The government banned them, and they all just disappeared forever! 

KUM
I know you're being sarcastic, but it's different with guns. I mean they cause mass shootings in schools - how the fuck are they not illegal??

BRICK
You do know it's already illegal to take guns to schools, right? How are gun-free zone laws working for you? Huh? Last time I read the news most mass shootings happen in gun free zones. Oh, I know! It must be that it's not illegal enough! We need to make it more illgealer!!!

KUM
Shut up, Shut up! I can't take these micro-aggressions anymore!!

BRICK
Wow, did you really just throw a pillow at me? It had frills on it. That technically qualifies it as an assault pillow, did you know that?

KUM
I do know that. Thank you, Brady Campaign. 


Is nothing sacred to you people!??


BRICK
We're detracting again. Here, let me run a scenario by you: a couple are eating lunch at a diner, when suddenly a radicalized man walks inside rifle in hand. They don't pray. They don't have any guns to shoot back. They refuse to call the cops because cops have guns and guns don't solve anything according to you - what do they do?

KUM
Offer up their rears.

BRICK
Huh?

KUM 
Give up their butts in exchange for their lives.

BRICK
Are - are you suggesting what I think you're suggesting?

KUM
Yes. They should offer to let the shooter rape them in exchange for not killing them.

BRICK
Is this some kind of sick joke?

KUM
No, I'm being serious. Think about it, isn't it better to be butt raped than killed?

BRICK
No, not to me!

KUM
Oh, sorry. Didn't know I was being interviewed by a homophobe.

BRICK
Dude, I can't even - are you fucking for real?

KUM
Earlier you admitted that thoughts and prayers wouldn't stop bullets. But offering up your anal canal might just save your life without you needing to carry a cursed death stick with you.

BRICK
You can't be serious! Okay, fine. What about this: a rapist holds a girl at knife point? Then what does she offer up??

KUM
I hadn't thought about that. I mean I guess if you don't like getting raped perhaps offer the assailant large sums of money?

BRICK
You do realize this is the most retarded strategy ever, right? I mean you're a professor for heaven's sake!

KUM
Well, I have been doing my research.

BRICK
You mean people have actually tried this before??

KUM
No. I've checked the records and no one has offered butt sex in exchange for not being shot to death. So, I figured I would do some method research.

BRICK
I don't think I want to hear this.

KUM
I went to the ghetto at night and walked around with my fanciest jewelry on. I was robbed two nights in a row. I dropped trou, got into the "doggy style position," and offered to let the muggers rape me. One of them kicked me in the ass and took all my stuff - so it wasn't a total loss. But the other one was so disgusted he ran away without even taking one chain. A bittersweet victory. Technically, that's a fifty percent success ratio. But as a professor, I know I need a much larger sampling pool.

BRICK
Well, I guess when a nutcase is going to shoot up your office and no one else is armed you're pretty much butt fucked as it is.

KUM
If you're going to make rape jokes, you could at least give me a trigger warning.

BRICK
I hate you so much it's unreal.


Professor Kumquat getting liquored up before doing more "research"









1 comment:

  1. Why can’t those kind of experiments happen in my neighborhood!! Yet another reason to gentrify the ghetto!

    ReplyDelete

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