Saturday, August 24, 2019

Mr. Regan Goes to Pasadena



Hey peeps!

I haven't written a post in a while, so finally, here's one for y'all to ignore!! It's about a celebrity encounter...


It all started with a text from my friend Hak Man.


HAK MAN
Hey, fool. Brian Regan is going to be in Pasadena on Thursday. Wanna go see him?

BRICK
Fuck yeah, I do!! He's one of my all-time favorite comedians!!

HAK MAN
I'll take that as a, 'Yes.'


NIGHT OF THE SHOW



Hak Man showed up to my pad in Little TJ a.k.a. Maywood.


HAK MAN
Man, this place is ghetto!

BRICK
You're gonna hafta speak louder! I can't hear you over the police helicopter!


I offered to drive, but Hak Man insisted on taking us. Something about not having a death-wish. So, I hopped in his soccer mom mini-van and we headed on our two-hour journey to the Pasadena Civic Center which is ten miles away.

L.A. traffic is no joke.




 Half way there, I made a realization.


BRICK
Shit!

HAK MAN
What happened?

BRICK
I was gonna bring a copy of my book to give to Brian Regan. I forgot it at home.

HAK MAN
Well, um, you know how you gave me a copy to read six months ago?

BRICK
Yeah...

HAK MAN
Thing is I never read it. It's actually under your seat.

BRICK
But you said you found it riveting!?

HAK MAN
I was talking about the cover, which I totally did check out.


Keep getting compliments on the outside part of my book. Still waiting for one about the inside part.



AT THE CIVIC CENTER

Brian Regan hopped on stage. The crowd went nuts, including me. Brian killed it with new material I hadn't seen before. We roared with laughter at his jokes which he told with the energy of a tweaker as usual.

Meanwhile, I had a hard time making it up the steps to our balcony. I guess Brian and I aged at different rates. At one point the mic went out for a few minutes, and he even turned that into a hilarious bit. 

Once the show ended, I approached the nearest staff member I could find.


BRICK
Excuse me, security lady ma'am?

STAFF HUMAN
I identify as a man. 

BRICK
Oh, um, please don't sue me. I have children. Pretty sure one of 'em's a tranny.

STAFF HUMAN
You must be very proud. And don't worry. I'm just messin' with ya. What can I do ya for?

BRICK
I was wondering can we meet with Mr. Regan?

STAFF HUMAN
Sorry, honey. There's no meet-n'-greet for this show.

BRICK
Oh. Well, in that case, can you give him this book for me?

STAFF HUMAN
Can't. I'd get in trouble.

BRICK
I understand. Well, um, do you want it?

STAFF HUMAN
I'll take the cover.


Hak Man and I walked outside. I started making my way to the parking lot.


HAK MAN
Hey, dude. Sorry about missing your birthday last month. How bout I take you out for food and drinks?

BRICK
Well, I already ate second dinner before you picked me up, but you know my policy turning down a free meal...


Never!!!!!


After deliberating for a few minutes, we agreed on BJ's - the restaurant not the activity. Once we were seated and placed an order for a pizza, we caught up with each other as it had been a while since we had last hung out. 


BRICK
So, that's how I got frostbite in the middle of July.

HAK MAN
Fascinating. Your life choices never cease to intrigue me.

BRICK
I'll miss Big Bertha.

HAK MAN
You name your toes?

BRICK
No. There's more to the story than what I told you.

HAK MAN
I don't think I wanna know.

BRICK
Dude, do you hear that?

HAK MAN
Hear what?

BRICK
I'm pretty sure I just hear Brain Regan's voice!


I stood up and looked over.


BRICK
It is! It's him! Should I go talk to him?

HAK MAN
This from a guy who got frostbite in July and possibly killed someone named Bertha.

BRICK
Hey! That's for the Bolivian courts to decide. Also, you make a good point. I'm going in!


I walked over to Brian Regan's table where he and his friends stood around talking. I didn't want to be rude. I always hate it when I'm talking to a friend, and someone comes up all, "I don't mean to interrupt..." Yes, you do! Otherwise you wouldn't be interrupting!!

So, I had to chose between being rude and inserting my self into the conversation, or chilling in the background like the creepy weirdo you've all come to know and hate. I went with creepy weirdo. I stood there for a good ten minutes when Brian finally told his friends, "I need to go poop." That's when he turned around and saw me standing there awkwardly.


BRIAN
Why, hello there.

BRICK
Hello, Mr. Brian Regan, comedian man sir.

BRIAN
What can I do ya' for?

BRICK
I just wanted to say I've been a huge fan for years.

BRIAN
Why, thank you. Always nice to meet a fan.

BRICK
Actually, it's cool. I had a falling out with my mom. Hadn't talked to her in seven years -

BRIAN
I don't know if I would describe that as 'cool.' 'Sad,' 'tragic,' 'devastating' perhaps. But you know, whatever.

BRICK
No, that's not the cool part. We started talking again recently. She asked me what I was getting up to this week. I told her I was going to see Brian Regan. She's all, "Who's that?"

BRIAN
Always nice to hear people have no idea who you are.

BRICK
Don't hold it against her. She lives in Germany. Anyway, I sent her a clip of your UPS bit on youtube. She watched it and then watched a bunch of your clips that came up as suggestions from youtube afterwards. She told me she laughed so hard at them. We were then able to relate to each other talking about them. Like, "I love the part where he's all, 'can I flip the switch!'" "Oh, and when he goes, 'I'll have the wings of chicken!' So funny!!"

BRIAN
Sounds like you guys nailed. it. So good to hear. That's the beauty of humor: it can bring people together.

BRICK
Yes, it can. It did. Um, one other thing. I wrote a book and I wanted to give it to you.

BRIAN
Thank you. So, I guess this is one of those modern books that don't have covers, huh?

HAK MAN (yelling out from our table)
The security lady took it from him!

BRICK
I gave it up voluntarily!


The next day my mom called me and asked about the show. I gave her the details and told her how I even got to meet him afterwards.

BRICK
Everything worked out so perfectly, mom. I forgot the book, but Hak Man happened to have a copy in his van. We took his van even though I had offered to drive. And then he spontaneously took me out after the show. And we happened to decide on BJ's where Brian Regan went to go eat. I was really blessed.

MOM
Yes, thank you Jesus. 

BRICK
You know what's funny?

MOM
What?

BRICK
You just learned about Brian Regan a few days ago, and last night he learned about you. 




Thank you to Brain Regan for being so gracious when I met you and thanks for all the many, many laughs. If y'all haven't been to his show, you must go!








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