Friday, April 7, 2017

Conversations with Brick

Set your phasers to intelect!

Y'all Be Sinnin'!

The other day I was locking the door to my apartment as I headed out. I saw the bum who picks cans from our apartment dumpster...

S'up Brick.

S'up Luis.

My name's Harold.


You going to Arco?

No, tonight I go to Chevron.

Ooooh! What's the occasion?

It's Fat Tuesday, my man.

It is? Shit I thought it was Flag Day. Damn that means I gotta go stab my brother before midnight.

Why? Are you giving up shanking people for Lent? Hehe.


I walked into Chevron where my main man Zutroy was working the counter.

Good evening Sir Brick, so nice to see you.

What up Zutroy. I'll have the usual.

Looks nothing like this guy...

Friday, March 3, 2017

Inside the Donut Hole

The donut factory I work for always has me write a lil something for our above titled newsletter. See if you can guess which months these posts were for!!

A Day for Lovers (and retail profits)

So it's Valentine's Day today the perfect time to talk about love and relationships. When you think about it, relationships are a bit like jobs: you might complain when you have one, but if you were to lose your job you would feel like your world came crashing down.

Jobs provide us structure, purpose, and a sense of fulfillment along with of course a means to be able to survive. The same can be said about relationships. While they do require work, and they can be hard to maintain at times, ultimately they give meaning to our lives.
Pictured below: the reason we peasants exist.

Money might provide us with the ability to survive, but relationships give us a reason to work so hard, a reason to keep going. As awesome as a view at the top of the mountain might be it only multiplies when you have someone to share it with. As delicious as a well-made meal might taste, it’s way better if you can enjoy it with the person you love.

Friday, February 3, 2017

Leader of Street Gang Rollin 420's Resigns Amongst Alligations of Racism

Hello jackaloons! I'm currently on administrative leave from the donut factory I work at for the pants-less cartwheel incident, so I decided to engage in some B.S. work to keep myself busy: investigative journalism.

Hey! Acting is a serious career!

Today's story comes from the mean streets of Temecula where the notorious gang leader Lamar Jackson has resigned his position as shot caller for the Rollin 420's amidst allegations that he has been running his organization in a racist manner. 

Wikigangs, a site dedicated to eradicating what it deems to be corrupt gang leaders, released dozens of hacked emails allegedly from Lamar's personal server. The emails reveal frequent use of the N word, referring to women as prostitutes, and a disdain for those in law enforcement.

Earlier today Lamar released the following statement at a press conference where he resigned from his position in the gang: "I deeply regret if my words have offended any of our diverse population who all contribute to the rich cultural tapestry that is America. I will now spend more time with my family and hope I can put this behind me."

  Lamar remembers better days when smiles not systemic racism was 420's unofficial policy. 

Saturday, January 7, 2017

Breaking Janitor

So the dount factory I work for asked me to start writing for our company newsletter, Inside the Donut Hole. I guess the caught wind of my affinity for writing. They also caught wind of my egg sandwich.

Ba dun tssss! I'm here all night, unfortunately.

Since it's January, they asked me to write a piece about new beginnings and motivation and being all you can be etc. Here's what I came up with:


Last year right about this time, I was in my “new hire” class with our trainer.  I forget exactly how this conversation came about, but our trainer mentioned that as you grow up you learn that, unless you are lucky enough to be Jay Z or Beyonce, most jobs are “utilitarian”. To be honest, I did not know what that word meant. So I looked it up. Turns out it means something completely different than what I had suspected. (I thought it had something to do with utopia and socialism. )

 You never know where the Iron Hammer will strike! It could be your donut trainer, or your mom!

What the word utilitarian actually means is: practical. Our trainer was trying to say most jobs serve a functional purpose; they are not creative. You process paperwork; you don’t write a story. You drive a truck; you don’t race. Once I figured out the meaning of his statement I got to thinking about it. I thought about how you can categorize jobs by varying levels of creativity:

Saturday, December 17, 2016

Confessions of an Uber Driver

So now that I make doughnutman money, I no longer have to work two jobs. Two years ago, it was a different story. I used to drive for Uber on the weekends. I met some interesting people along the way..


I remember my very first day as a driver. The Uber app "pinged" and the GPS lead me straight to the ghetto. I pulled up to a humble house in the middle of the street. A young man walked up to my car. He looked like a straight up gangster complete with locs and a wife-beater.

Wassup homie? 

I'm here for Alex.

Why you tryina get at my cousin foo!?

Get at him? You calling me gay??

Alex is a girl fucker!

Oooh as in Alexan - DRRUUH

Shut up, foo. And you still ain't tell me why u tryina pick her up.

I'm her Uber driver.

Oh, I thought you were a cop.

Cause you're always committing crimes?

Naw, cause you look like one.

What?? Dem's fightin words!!

Yeah, but you ain't a fightin man.

Oh right. Thanks for reminding me. I coulda been in a world of trouble.

Anytime, Guero.

Cholo McGangster, wanted in LA County for assaulting my feelings.

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Hobolicious (no shave November!)

Hello numbnuts!! I know I haven't posted in a while and you're probably wondering what was Brick been up to in the month of November? Well I will fill you in...


I went grocery shopping in the ghetto other day (gotta love them peasant prices!). My shopping cart was packed to the brim with veggies and raw chicken as I pulled up the the cashier and bag girl.

Wow, that's a lot of food. Do you own a business?

Wearing those clothes? I doubt it. He looks more like one of those guys who thinks the orangutan zombie uprising is bound to strike at any moment and he's preparing for it now.

I rolled my eyes

Oh yeah that's totally what I'm doing. Gee you're so perceptive; how did you know?  

Your beard; it speaks to me.

Wake me up when November ends... so I can shave this scruffy-ass beard!!

You're pretty mouthy for someone who bags groceries for a living. You're doing a fantastic job by the way.

Thank you. And I'm only doing this to pay the bills while I pursue a career as an exotic dancer.

I see. Well, good luck with that. And no, I'm not preping for the apocalypse. I just really hate cooking. So once a month I cook a shit load of food and freeze it all in disposable containers. Then I take them out as needed, heat it on a disposable plate in the microwave. When I'm done I chuck it all in the trash. No fuss; no muss.

Cause fuck the environment right?

Hey, I won't be here when it all comes crashing down.

So you essentially make your own frozen dinners.

Hey you know what you should look into buying?? Frozen dinners!!

The sarcasm is strong with this one

Monday, August 1, 2016

Text and Chill (dating tips from the Brick!)

Girls are awesome aren't they?? But how does one obtain a live one (legally)? Well here are some dating tips from Brick along actual real world non-bot texts to show you how its done.

**If you're viewing on a mobile phone, click on the screenshots to view**

Step one: get yourself a pimp hat.

2) Let her know you'll do whatever it takes to meet her...

3)  Keep your girl interested by knowing how to sell yourself ...

4) You gotta know how to give em compliments...

Sunday, July 17, 2016

Top 5 Movies You've Never Heard Of

I'm bored today, so I thought I'd make a list of my top five underrated movies...


Despite staring the big shot names of John C Reilly, Samuel L. Jackson, and Gwyneth Paltrow, no one I've ever talked to about this movie has even heard of it. It's set at a slow pace, and I can see why it didn't become a commercial success. However the movie has a profound moral told in a chilling way: a man's personality and demeanor says nothing about his true character. The final scene is the most simplest and mundane of gestures performed by the main character which seals the point home in a single stroke of genius.  


This movie is the perfect embodiment of frustration and deep inner rage topped with the frosting of desperation for approval that only those of of us who were unloved by our parents can ever fully relate to. Everyone else probably thinks the main character is a fucking asshole. They might not be wrong, but the movie is rife with humor to help you not hate the main character too much and does in the end have a surprisingly positive message. Also it stars Christina Ricci after she put a little meat on and looks hot as fuck.

Sunday, July 10, 2016

Neil DeGrasse Tyson; Not So Scientific

I love science. I think it's awesome. Not only has it given us useful technology, badass entertainment, and life-saving advances in medicine, but I find it fascinating in and of itself. I am especially interested in quantum physics. The developments in this field combine reality with our craziest dreams as they break down our whole universe into a two dimensional existence produced in its entirety by quantum vibrating strings.

But despite my love of science, I don't worship it. And I certainly don't limit the scope of my learning, and personal growth to only those things that exist within the realm of scientifically valid facts. I'd be dead if I did. After all science is just a method. It is as flawed as its practitioner, it has many limitations, and is subject to bias and human manipulation, and skewed perceptions.

"Science" by definition again is nothing more than a method. It is the best vehicle for human intellect and therein lies its permanent limitation: it can only go as far as human intellect can take it. But of course as one of my all time favorite sayings goes, "we don't know what we don't know." That might sound so obvious it doesn't need to be said. But don't confuse it for an idiotic saying such as "it is what it is." The fist saying is a truly profound statement when you take the time to think about what it really means. The second saying is meaningless gibberish.

There are, in my opinion, truths that exists outside the scope of human intellect. This doesn't mean we can't become aware of them and apply them in our lives, it just means that we cannot detect them with our intellect. We therefore have to be open to other avenues of perception to learn about these truths. It's kind of like the color infrared. Just because infrared exists outside of the scope of our vision doesn't mean it isn't real. It just means we have to learn about it by other means than searching for it with our eyes.

Unless you're these guys.

Thursday, June 30, 2016

In Contempt of Donut

Oh hi there, fellow reader!

What's it like to work at a donut factory you ask? Well, I shall tell you...


We chat via IM:

Brick!! Didn't I tell you to close out existing accounts before putting in new sales orders!! Don't act like you forgot!!

Damn I was so gonna go for the "I forgot defense" but you saw it coming. You should be a lawyer. Specifically a DA.

Shut up and stop being lazy!!

Am I a bad man, Lead? Tell me I'm good.


You want me to lie??


If you would please.


Fine, I will. You're a good person.

Yay!! Thank you!! I'm giving you a thumbs up from my cubical. It's the best finger I can give you.

Watch it, boy!

Although that's up for debate from what I understand.
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