Tuesday, February 2, 2016

Another Day, Another Dounut


After weeks of training at my new job, today we were expected to demonstrate what we had learned...


BOSS MAN
OK trainees, today we're going to do some roll playing. We are going to practice processing a SL-812 while pretending to be on the phone with a client. I will be the client and one of you will come up to the projection screen and be the rep.

Now I know you're anxious to show us that you know the steps involved with an SL-812, but its important to treat this as if it was a real call. DO NOT break character. I will be your client, not your trainer.

If you get stuck, put me on hold and ask a fellow trainee to help out. And don't forget to build rapport. Remember the client isn't just buying an SL-812; he's buying you. So, who wants to be the first volunteer?

BRICK
I do!

BOSS MAN
OK great! Get up here Brick. Show us how it's done.

BRICK
Hello, thank you for calling The Dounut Factory, this is Brick. How may I fill your donut hole today?

BOSS MAN
Yes, Brick my name is "Steve." I'm interested in an SL-812.

BRICK
Just an SL-812?

BOSS MAN
Yes.

BRICK
Can I also interest you in a PY-932?

BOSS MAN
No, thank you.

BRICK
How about a NM-COR?

BOSS MAN
No.

BRICK
An ES-001?

BOSS MAN
No.

BRICK
A back rub?

BOSS MAN
Dammit Brick, focus!

BRICK
Shoot, thought I had you at back rub.

Sunday, January 31, 2016

Breaking Dounut


I recently got a job working at a donut factory. I was pretty excited; I finally got a job in a field I love..



DAY ONE


BOSS MAN
OK new hires, now that we're done with filling out our W2's its time to open your training manuals.

BRICK
Training manual?? How hard can it be to pour polycarbonate into a donut mold?

BOSS MAN
What the hell are you talking about?

BRICK
Don't we manufacture donuts here?

BOSS MAN
We BAKE donuts. And they're not made of polycarbonate!!

BRICK
Whaaaaat? What are they made of then?

BOSS MAN
Donuts are made of dough.

BRICK
I'm in way over my head. How long is this training going to be?

BOSS MAN
Six weeks.

BRICK
Fuck me. This is gonna be a loooong fortnight!


So what makes them shiny?


Thursday, January 21, 2016

Professor Gives Easiest Exam Ever: "every answer is 'Government Expansion'"



Math classes aren't usually the ones that college students are excited to sign up for. But a Florida University math professor by the name of Rupert Winslow III teaches a statistics class which has managed to become the single most popular class on the roster of courses. It has become so popular that students from other schools travel from over 50 miles away to take the class. There is now a six month waiting list to get into the class.

There are a few theories floating around the campus as to why this is the case. Some say it's because the class is mandatory for many business and science majors. Professor Winslow believes it's due to his charm and a certain "je ne sais quoi" he felt about himself ever since he was boy. 


"I felt it mostly in my pants."


The students themselves have a different theory. "This dumbass professor gives the easiest tests ever, the answer to every single problem is 'Government Expansion,'" says one sophomore.

"I heard the rumors that all you had to write on the answer sheet was 'government expansion', or 'big government' or some variation thereof. I didn't believe it at first. I thought it was just a prank," said a former student of Winslow's. "But then he gave us a study guide for our first exam. It was just a picture of Capitol Hill. He told us, 'look at this picture. The answer to all our problems lie within it.'"

Some parents have criticized Winslow's techniques insisting he is not adequately preparing his student's for the real world. "Au contraire mon frere." Winslow replied, insisting that mentally preparing his students for huge government expansion is the best training for the future he can give to his students.


If the hat fits..


As They're All Against Me's top investigative reporter, I reached out to Professor Winslow for an interview.


BRICK
Professor, I understand there are long lines that go out the door of the administration department, with students inquiring about your statistics class.

PROF WINSLOW
Yes, that's true. It's reminiscent of the soup lines of the former USSR. Ahh those were the good ol' days.

BRICK
I was talking to former students of yours. One of them told me you gave him an A in the class even though all he turned in for his final was a drawing of a hangman.

PROF WINSLOW
Well normally, I like my students to put down like "Presidential Executive Orders" or something like that. But I let this one slide because most these students come from poor houses. I don't want them to wait for me in the parking lot with the assault rifle their parents bought them for their birthday.

BRICK
You do know that legally registered gun owners are the least likely to use guns for crime statistically speaking, right?

PROF WINSLOW
That's racist!!


The professor then hung up on me and could no longer be reached for comments.


Ivy league learnedness at its finest.



*Don't forget to check out my book, Moby Brick!






Tuesday, December 1, 2015

In the Beginning There Was Nacho


So dear reader(s), you have followed the misadventures of the me and the HHK, the Gat Pak, the Hak Pak, and last but not least the Jew Crew. But do you ever wonder where these various crews and I all met? Well you're going to find out anyway.


Once upon a time in a land far, far away...


OK I'm lying. I only live two blocks away from Ye Old Rock House of Learning where I went to high school



One morning my friend Nacho and I were chilling on a bench at our high school waiting for the bell to ring.


NACHO
Look at the fool Cuervo just sitting there. I hate him!

BRICK
What you got against Cuervo?

NACHO
I don't like the way he talks. Or breathes.

BRICK
So what are you going to do about it?

NACHO
I'm gonna jack his cell phone, that's what. Look! It's half way hanging out his pocket and he don't even know!


*He gets up and walks in Cuvero's direction, then "accidentally" bumps into him*

Monday, November 30, 2015

#GreyMatters


The following post is about two ah-ha moments I had in my life. An "ah-ha" moment is when you learn a lesson. It's when a light bulb that was always inside your mind finally gets lit. The two ah-ha moments I will talk about happened about 15 years apart but little did I know they were actually intertwined...


The Unvite

The first one happened roughly 15 years ago. Back then I was extremely paranoid, and that's putting it lightly. In fact the title of this blog, They're All Against Me, is a little nod to my past; it's me poking fun at my (mostly) former paranoid self. 

I remember one time my close friends, Tyler, Mac, Max, and Nacho invited me to come chill in the park. "Sure," I replied via text. This is it, I thought to myself. They are planning to jump me. Why I would think they were planning on jumping me for no reason in broad day light in the most public of places I have no idea, but then paranoia lacks logic by definition.

I threw on a muscle shirt, my Dickies shorts, my chucks, and headed to the park. I walked up to where I saw them all chilling on a bench flexing my arms as I walked. I wanted to send a message: "yes I know what's coming, and I ain't scared!"


I always flex my arms when going to my own gang raping

Thursday, October 29, 2015

Dominantly Yours

So last night, myself, Hak Man, Deana, Stash Man the Human, Dutchman McEnglish, and Letty all went out to The 17th Door, the haunted house in the O.C. We had to sign a crazy ass waiver that said we might die or end up working in a sweatshop in Mexico or something. Then we were allowed into the haunted house. They instantly grabbed me and Dutchman and threw us into a locker together.


DUTCHMAN
Well this is romantic.

BRICK
I never seen you in this lighting before.

DUTCHMAN
Hold me!


**After being hit in the face with fish, groped by chubby clowns, and having our nipples hooked up to a car battery and electric shocked (actually happened), we eventually made our way out of that hell hole and met up with the rest of the crew**


STASHMAN
Dude! That was awesome!! I kept running up to people, yelling in their faces, and scarring the shit out of them!

DEANA
Um, I don't think that's how this is supposed to work...


He gets his savageness from his mustache!!  ...like Hitler


Sunday, October 25, 2015

Breaking News: OSHA Hires Mayweather as Their New Spokesman:: Mayweather "safety first has always been my motto"



It was announced today that boxer Floyd "Money" Mayweather will be the new spokesman for the Occupational Safety & Hazard Administration (OSHA).

Steven Richards assistant staff director for the Department of Labor human resources division said, "we have always liked the way Mayweather fights in the ring. We describe his style as a cautious, 'don't get hurt' approach which is exactly what we stand for here at OSHA."

Residents of the the Michigan neighborhood where Mayweather grew up were asked if they were surprised to hear of this news. "Not really," said one of his of his former neighbors. She recalled the extreme cautiousness he practiced even as a child. "I remember the other kids would climb trees that were still standing but not Money. He would wait till the tree was old and decrepit. Once it fell over he would climb on top of the trunk and raise his arms in victory."


 New equipment Mayweather plans on bringing into the ring using his position at OSHA.


Tuesday, October 13, 2015

I Now Pronounce You: Dead



This blog is mostly just stories about me and my friends getting drunk and acting stupid, but every now and then I write about something a little deeper and I guess this time, personal.


So anyways, words are a trip aren't they? I mean as in how arbitrary they are. For example, at some point some dude decided that the word "matrimony" means a man and woman getting hitched. And at some point some dude decided that the word "suicide" means to kill yourself. But they could just as easily have made the word "suicide" to mean to people getting married and the word "matrimony" to mean taking one's own life ;)


Smoooooooooth


Friday, September 25, 2015

Evolving Truth


I am a full on Catholic; like don't eat meat on Fridays, church every Sunday (after sobering up from Saturday) believe in purgatory Catholic. So do I think humans started with Adam and Eve, and that angels came down from heaven and made love to the "daughters of Eve" to create human/angel hybrids, and that God walked the Earth and placed a giant, flaming, rotating sword at the base of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil?

Common sense tells me these things never happened. Course I don't know for sure; I wasn't there. Jesus taught His disciples using parables i.e. stories that didn't actually happen but that have valuable lessons none the less. I think some of the Old Testament if not all of it was parables from God. They may never have actually happened, but that doesn't make their lessons any less valuable.


Although I'm really hoping the whole confession absolves your sins stuff is for real.

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