Saturday, January 7, 2017

Breaking Janitor


So the dount factory I work for asked me to start writing for our company newsletter, Inside the Donut Hole. I guess the caught wind of my affinity for writing. They also caught wind of my egg sandwich.

Ba dun tssss! I'm here all night, unfortunately.

Since it's January, they asked me to write a piece about new beginnings and motivation and being all you can be etc. Here's what I came up with:


BREAKING JANITOR


Last year right about this time, I was in my “new hire” class with our trainer.  I forget exactly how this conversation came about, but our trainer mentioned that as you grow up you learn that, unless you are lucky enough to be Jay Z or Beyonce, most jobs are “utilitarian”. To be honest, I did not know what that word meant. So I looked it up. Turns out it means something completely different than what I had suspected. (I thought it had something to do with utopia and socialism. )

 You never know where the Iron Hammer will strike! It could be your donut trainer, or your mom!


What the word utilitarian actually means is: practical. Our trainer was trying to say most jobs serve a functional purpose; they are not creative. You process paperwork; you don’t write a story. You drive a truck; you don’t race. Once I figured out the meaning of his statement I got to thinking about it. I thought about how you can categorize jobs by varying levels of creativity:


Saturday, December 17, 2016

Confessions of an Uber Driver


So now that I make doughnutman money, I no longer have to work two jobs. Two years ago, it was a different story. I used to drive for Uber on the weekends. I met some interesting people along the way..


MY FIRST RIDE

I remember my very first day as a driver. The Uber app "pinged" and the GPS lead me straight to the ghetto. I pulled up to a humble house in the middle of the street. A young man walked up to my car. He looked like a straight up gangster complete with locs and a wife-beater.

CHOLO McGANGSTER
Wassup homie? 

BRICK
I'm here for Alex.

CHOLO McGANGSTER
Why you tryina get at my cousin foo!?

BRICK
Get at him? You calling me gay??

CHOLO McGANGSTER
Alex is a girl fucker!

BRICK
Oooh as in Alexan - DRRUUH

CHOLO McGANGSTER
Shut up, foo. And you still ain't tell me why u tryina pick her up.

BRICK
I'm her Uber driver.

CHOLO McGANGSTER
Oh, I thought you were a cop.

BRICK
Cause you're always committing crimes?

CHOLO McGANGSTER
Naw, cause you look like one.

BRICK
What?? Dem's fightin words!!

CHOLO McGANGSTER
Yeah, but you ain't a fightin man.

BRICK
Oh right. Thanks for reminding me. I coulda been in a world of trouble.

CHOLO McGANGSTER
Anytime, Guero.

Cholo McGangster, wanted in LA County for assaulting my feelings.


Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Hobolicious (no shave November!)


Hello numbnuts!! I know I haven't posted in a while and you're probably wondering what was Brick been up to in the month of November? Well I will fill you in...


CAN'T BAG ME LOVE

I went grocery shopping in the ghetto other day (gotta love them peasant prices!). My shopping cart was packed to the brim with veggies and raw chicken as I pulled up the the cashier and bag girl.

CASHIER
Wow, that's a lot of food. Do you own a business?

BAG GIRL
Wearing those clothes? I doubt it. He looks more like one of those guys who thinks aliens are coming and he's preparing for it now.

I rolled my eyes

BRICK
Oh yeah that's totally what I'm doing. Gee you're so perceptive; how did you know?  

BAG GIRL
Your beard; it speaks to me.

Wake me up when November ends... so I can shave this scruffy-ass beard!!

BRICK
You're pretty mouthy for someone who bags groceries for a living. You're doing a fantastic job by the way.

BAG GIRL
Thank you. And I'm only doing this to pay the bills while I pursue a career as an exotic dancer.

BRICK
I see. Well, good luck with that. And no, I'm not preping for the apocalypse. I just really hate cooking. So once a month I cook a shit load of food and freeze it all in disposable containers. Then I take them out as needed, heat it on a disposable plate in the microwave. When I'm done I chuck it all in the trash. No fuss; no muss.

BAG GIRL
Cause fuck the environment right?

BRICK
Hey, I won't be here when it all comes crashing down.

CASHIER
So you essentially make your own frozen dinners.

BAG GIRL
Hey you know what you should look into buying?? Frozen dinners!!

The sarcasm is strong with this one


Monday, August 1, 2016

Text and Chill (dating tips from the Brick!)


Girls are awesome aren't they?? But how does one obtain a live one (legally)? Well here are some dating tips from Brick along actual real world non-bot texts to show you how its done.

**If you're viewing on a mobile phone, click on the screenshots to view**


Step one: get yourself a pimp hat.



2) Let her know you'll do whatever it takes to meet her...




3)  Keep your girl interested by knowing how to sell yourself ...




4) You gotta know how to give em compliments...



Sunday, July 17, 2016

Top 5 Movies You've Never Heard Of


I'm bored today, so I thought I'd make a list of my top five underrated movies...


5) HARD EIGHT

Despite staring the big shot names of John C Reilly, Samuel L. Jackson, and Gwyneth Paltrow, no one I've ever talked to about this movie has even heard of it. It's set at a slow pace, and I can see why it didn't become a commercial success. However the movie has a profound moral told in a chilling way: a man's personality and demeanor says nothing about his true character. The final scene is the most simplest and mundane of gestures performed by the main character which seals the point home in a single stroke of genius.  




4) BUFFALO 66

This movie is the perfect embodiment of frustration and deep inner rage topped with the frosting of desperation for approval that only those of of us who were unloved by our parents can ever fully relate to. Everyone else probably thinks the main character is a fucking asshole. They're might not be wrong, but the movie is rife with humor to help you not hate the main character too much and does in the end have a surprisingly positive message. Also it stars Christina Ricci after she put a little meat on and looks hot as fuck.




Sunday, July 10, 2016

Neil DeGrasse Tyson; Not So Scientific


I love science. I think it's awesome. Not only has it given us useful technology, badass entertainment, and life-saving advances in medicine, but I find it fascinating in and of itself. I am especially interested in quantum physics. The developments in this field combine reality with our craziest dreams as they break down our whole universe into a two dimensional existence produced in its entirety by quantum vibrating strings.

But despite my love of science, I don't worship it. And I certainly don't limit the scope of my learning, and personal growth to only those things that exist within the realm of scientifically valid facts. I'd be dead if I did. After all science is just a method. It is as flawed as its practitioner, it has many limitations, and is subject to bias and human manipulation, and skewed perceptions.

"Science" by definition again is nothing more than a method. It is the best vehicle for human intellect and therein lies its permanent limitation: it can only go as far as human intellect can take it. But of course as one of my all time favorite sayings goes, "we don't know what we don't know." That might sound so obvious it doesn't need to be said. But don't confuse it for an idiotic saying such as "it is what it is." The fist saying is a truly profound statement when you take the time to think about what it really means. The second saying is meaningless gibberish.

There are, in my opinion, truths that exists outside the scope of human intellect. This doesn't mean we can't become aware of them and apply them in our lives, it just means that we cannot detect them with our intellect. We therefore have to be open to other avenues of perception to learn about these truths. It's kind of like the color infrared. Just because infrared exists outside of the scope of our vision doesn't mean it isn't real. It just means we have to learn about it by other means than searching for it with our eyes.


Unless you're these guys.

Thursday, June 30, 2016

In Contempt of Donut


Oh hi there, fellow reader!

What's it like to work at a donut factory you ask? Well, I shall tell you...


IM CONVOS

We chat via IM:

LEAD
Brick!! Didn't I tell you to close out existing accounts before putting in new sales orders!! Don't act like you forgot!!

BRICK
Damn I was so gonna go for the "I forgot defense" but you saw it coming. You should be a lawyer. Specifically a DA.

LEAD
Shut up and stop being lazy!!

BRICK
Am I a bad man, Lead? Tell me I'm good.

LEAD

You want me to lie??

BRICK

If you would please.

LEAD

Fine, I will. You're a good person.

BRICK
Yay!! Thank you!! I'm giving you a thumbs up from my cubical. It's the best finger I can give you.

LEAD
Watch it, boy!


Although that's up for debate from what I understand.

Sunday, March 27, 2016

Doucheback Mountain


It was my homie Pun's birthday recently, and I threw a barbecue for him. Something I realized is that me and my friends are douches to eachother...


Pun, Landlord Patrick, Nacho, Cuervo, Hak Man, Deana, K Mo, Brett and a few other random homies show up to my house around 7 PM for the barbecue. I welcome them in and we all gather round in my kitchen.


BRICK
What up peeps? Welcome to my humble abode.

PUN
Coulda said trashy, messy, falling apart, but you went with "humble," good word choice.

BRICK
Says the guy who's jalopy is literally held together with duct tape. You didn't park that piece of junk close to my house did you?

PUN
I didn't drive here dumbass. Remember? I told you I was taking Amtrak.

BRICK
Oh right. Man, your people have come a long way.

PUN
What do you mean?

BRICK
Well, it used to be a bad thing when they put Jews on trains.

Saturday, February 27, 2016

Brick and Nacho Do 1966


A few weeks ago, I called up my good homie Nacho on a Saturday...


BRICK
S'up dude? Got any plans for today?

NACHO
No.

BRICK
Let's go back to the past! I have a time machine.

NACHO
Bahaha! You mean to tell me that your dumb, donut-making ass built a time machine?? I'm not that stupid.

BRICK
I eat more dounts than I make.

NACHO
That's not better.

BRICK
And I didn't built it. Hak Man did. You know, my jet propulsion engineer friend?

NACHO
The one who accidentally lit himself on fire while driving? [actually happened]

BRICK
It wasn't an accident, it was on purpose.

NACHO
Again, not better. Don't ever defend yourself in court, Brick.

BRICK
Shut up, and come over. Bring your keyboard too.


***Nacho came to my house. I took him to the backyard where I kept my time machine.***


NACHO
Wow, you actually have a time machine!!

BRICK
Told you.

NACHO
So why did you need me to bring my keyboard? Is the machine activated by certain musical notes a-la-Close Encounter of the Third Kind?

BRICK
No, you idiot. We need your keyboard because we're gonna go back to 1966 and pretend we wrote all of today's top 40 hits a-la-Dr. Evil. They'll sign us up to a record company and we'll be gozillionaires a-la-Forrest Gump.

NACHO
Dr Evil didn't actually sell the songs from the future. He only sung it to impress his friends. That makes you more evil that a cartoonishly-evil movie villain.


You should be having that discussion with my mom



Friday, February 26, 2016

Hanging Chat


If they knew what we actually used corporate chat for at the donut factory I work for, they'd probably take it away from us. Here are some chat conversations I had at work...


Knife Throwing Hobos


BRICK:
yo joey. so this might come of as kind a weird question, but are you any good at throwing knives?


JOEY:
no, can't say thats a skill set that i possess

BRICK:
so i guess the obvious follow up question is, do u know someone who is?

JOEY:
um, no brick, i don't know anyone who's good at throwing knives

BRICK:
well then u might wanna broaden your horizons a bit. run in different circles you know? just a suggestion, u do with it what u want

JOEY:
speaking of suggestions, im gonna suggest to HR that they quit hiring ppl off of craigslist

BRICK:
hey shut up! you uppity doughnutmen are all the same

JOEY:
so if ur looking for someone good with knives why don't u just get a hobo? probably cheap too

BRICK:
nah tried that. they have problems adhering to a schedule

JOEY:
do you want a knife thrower or a secretary!?

BRICK:
i want a coworker with decent connections. u know where i can find one?

JOEY:
can't believe we're even having this convo. why are u looking for someone with knife throwing skills?? i find that kind of disturbing!!

BRICK:


I always type my chats with the passion of a psychopath


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