Monday, November 30, 2015

#Grey Matters

The following post is about two ah-ha moments I had in my life. An "ah-ha" moment is when you learn a lesson. It's when a light bulb that was always inside your mind finally gets lit. The two ah-ha moments I will talk about happened about 15 years apart but little did I know they were actually intertwined...

The Unvite

The first one happened roughly 15 years ago. Back then I was extremely paranoid, and that's putting it lightly. In fact the title of this blog, They're All Against Me, is a little nod to my past; it's me poking fun at my (mostly) former paranoid self. 

I remember one time my close friends, Tyler, Mac, Max, and Nacho invited me to come chill in the park. "Sure," I replied via text. This is it, I thought to myself. They are planning to jump me. Why I would think they were planning on jumping me for no reason in broad day light in the most public of places I have no idea, but then paranoia lacks logic by definition.

I threw on a muscle shirt, my Dickies shorts, my chucks, and headed to the park. I walked up to where I saw them all chilling on a bench flexing my arms as I walked. I wanted to send a message: "yes I know what's coming, and I ain't scared!"

I always flex my arms when going to my own gang raping

Thursday, October 29, 2015

Dominantly Yours

So last night, myself, Hak Man, Deana, Stash Man the Human, Dutchman McEnglish, and Letty all went out to The 17th Door, the haunted house in the O.C. We had to sign a crazy ass waiver that said we might die or end up working in a sweatshop in Mexico or something. Then we were allowed into the haunted house. They instantly grabbed me and Dutchman and threw us into a locker together.

Well this is romantic.

I never seen you in this lighting before.

Hold me!

**After being hit in the face with fish, groped by chubby clowns, and having our nipples hooked up to a car battery and electric shocked (actually happened), we eventually made our way out of that hell hole and met up with the rest of the crew**

Dude! That was awesome!! I kept running up to people, yelling in their faces, and scarring the shit out of them!

Um, I don't think that's how this is supposed to work...

He gets his savageness from his mustache!! Hitler

Sunday, October 25, 2015

Breaking News: OSHA Hires Mayweather as Their New Spokesman:: Mayweather "safety first has always been my motto"

It was announced today that boxer "Money" Mayweather will be the new spokesman for the Occupational Safety & Hazard Administration (OSHA).

Steven Richards assistant staff director for the Department of Labor human resources division said, "we have always liked the way Mayweather fights in the ring. We describe his style as a cautious, 'don't get hurt' approach which is exactly what we stand for here at OSHA."

Residents of the the Michigan neighborhood where Mayweather grew up were asked if they were surprised to hear of this news. "Not really," said one of his of his former neighbors. She recalled the extreme cautiousness he practiced even as a child. "I remember the other kids would climb trees that were still standing but not Money. He would wait till the tree was old and decrepit. Once it fell over he would climb on top of the trunk and raise his arms in victory."

 New equipment Mayweather plans on bringing into the ring using his position at OSHA.

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

I Now Pronounce You: Dead

This blog is mostly just stories about me and my friends getting drunk and acting stupid, but every now and then I write about something a little deeper and I guess this time, personal.

So anyways, words are a trip aren't they? I mean as in how arbitrary they are. For example, at some point some dude decided that the word "matrimony" means a man and woman getting hitched. And at some point some dude decided that the word "suicide" means to kill yourself. But they could just as easily have made the word "suicide" to mean to people getting married and the word "matrimony" to mean taking one's own life ;)


Friday, September 25, 2015

Evolving Truth

I am a full on Catholic; like don't eat meat on Fridays, church every Sunday (after sobering up from Saturday) believe in purgatory Catholic. So do I think humans started with Adam and Eve, and that angels came down from heaven and made love to the "daughters of Eve" to create human/angel hybrids, and that God walked the Earth and placed a giant, flaming, rotating sword at the base of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil?

Common sense tells me these things never happened. Course I don't know for sure; I wasn't there. Jesus taught His disciples using parables i.e. stories that didn't actually happen but that have valuable lessons none the less. I think some of the Old Testament if not all of it was parables from God. They may never have actually happened, but that doesn't make their lessons any less valuable.

Although I'm really hoping the whole confession absolves your sins stuff is for real.

Friday, July 31, 2015

B.Y.O.D. (be your own daddy)

I had a bday BBQ the other day; invited the homies. They all started showing up around 7 PM as I asked them to. There was only one problem...

*calls me up*


Yeah it's me.

You on your way?

I'm already here. Question: where the fuck are you??

I'll be there in a bit I just had to get something at the store real quick.

What did you need to get?

Meat, charcoal, salsa, guacamole, chips, oni-

Seriously?? So what am I supposed to do for the next two hours?? Hang out in your driveway??

Nah dude, just go to the back yard. There's a gate on the right side of the house; should be open. There's bunch a people are back there already.

**So he goes to the back yard where he sees Nacho, Joe DiManho, Cuervo, K-mo.**

Sup man. You here for Brick's BBQ?


**They heard a noise. Then watched Hak Man, Frankie and Deana jump the wall on the left side of the house**

Is this Brick's BBQ?

You must be Hak Man.

How'd you know??

Just a sense. Why did you jump the fence? You know there's a gate on the other side, right?

This is my first time at Brick's pad. No one answered the door so I thought we should just hop the fence.

You've never been here before and you just hopped the fence?? What if you had the wrong house?

I guess I hadn't thought that far ahead.

What do you do for a living?

I'm an engineer. I build planes and shit..

** blank stares all around**
En Garde! by Kevin Pack, on Flickr
Creative Commons Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 2.0 Generic License   by  Kevin Pack 

Sunday, June 28, 2015

Brick vs the Sea (the day the ocean dieded)

The other day, my homie Donnie B and I decided to go kayaking in New Port Beach. We picked New Port because apparently there is a bay there that is super easy to drop a kayak in. So we went to said bay, dropped the kayak, and started paddling out. It was fun at first but then it got kind of boring.

When bored snap a selfie..

Friday, June 26, 2015

151 Too Many (poisoned by the illuminati)

Ladies and gentlemen, I recently went to Vegas. And there, I believe I was poisoned by the Illuminati. The following is my recollection of events:

Donnie B, Cuevro, P Nutty, Joe DiMannho, arrived at the suite in the fancy shiny building on the strip. We were greeted by Landlord Patrick (or LP as he won't allow me to call him) who had gotten there earlier in the day.

OMG! Are you the landlord of Vegas too??

Do you really think I would waste my time hanging around your broke ass if I was the Landlord of Vegas!?


Shiny beacon amongst plain ol white buildings!!
Hilton Grand Vacations aka Elara, Marrio by Robcowboy, on Flickr
Creative Commons Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic License   by  Robcowboy 

Monday, April 20, 2015

Hak-ing It Up with Old Man

Sharp as a Brick

Old Man has been getting, well, old. So they put him in a home. I went to go see him the other day. The nurse led me to his room. He's still got it..

Hi Old Man! Brick's here to see you. If you guys need anything just let me know.

She's nice. What's her name?

I don't know. They all look the same to me.

So you made any friends here yet?

Well, I haven't made any enemies.

Same difference.

I wish you luck with your mirror argument Old Man! I always seem to lose mine..

Friday, February 27, 2015

Mind your T's

So today I left work early (read: on time) so I could make sure to get to my first day of speech class on time. I jumped in my car and hauled ass almost killing three people. But made it on time - only to be permanently kicked out of the class. Yes, the very first week of the semester and I already got 86'ed!! You want to know why they would kick out a self-proclaimed, super genius like myself?? Here's why!!!:


Don't know what the fuck that means? Welcome to the club! TTH. That's not a typo. That, according to oh-so-smarter-than-tho academia's class schedule, apparently means Tuesdays and Thursdays.

No, not fuck you Jonah Hill, fuck academia!! Fuck them hard with a coconut. Did you know that you could write the most prolific essay in the history of mankind and those assholes will lower your grade or even refuse your paper all together simply because you didn't use the right formatting?

"Well," you reply, "they are just perfectionists." Right. I would believe you except for the fact that they're so fucking lazy that they shortened Tuesdays and Thursdays to:


Like seriously dude, you couldn't do this:

Tue - Thr

or even fucking this:

T - TH

Is it too much trouble to add a clarifying dash mr professor!? You have too many mind blowing dissertations to write? Not an ounce of ink to spare??

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