Saturday, August 24, 2019

Mr. Regan Goes to Pasadena

Hey peeps!

I haven't written a post in a while, so finally, here's one for y'all to ignore!! It's about a celebrity encounter...

It all started with a text from my friend Hak Man.

Hey, fool. Brian Regan is going to be in Pasadena on Thursday. Wanna go see him?

Fuck yeah, I do!! He's one of my all-time favorite comedians!!

I'll take that as a, 'Yes.'


Hak Man showed up to my pad in Little TJ a.k.a. Maywood.

Man, this place is ghetto!

You're gonna hafta speak louder! I can't hear you over the police helicopter!

I offered to drive, but Hak Man insisted on taking us. Something about not having a death-wish. So, I hopped in his soccer mom mini-van and we headed on our two-hour journey to the Pasadena Civic Center which is ten miles away.

L.A. traffic is no joke.

Thursday, August 30, 2018

Thoughts and Prayers are Stupid! Give up Your Rears

Hello chumps and chumpettes,

Brick Cruz here, doin' some 'vestigatin!'

Brick Man! Investigative reporter extraordinaire!

Yesterday I met with Professor Kumquat from some Ivy league school. I forget which one exactly, but the important thing is that he's recently made controversial statements about the uselessness of prayer, specifically pertaining to mass shootings.

Thank you for meeting with me Professor. I have to ask, is Kumquat your real name?

No, it's my Indian name.

Oh, what's your heritage?


You should run for Senate.

I don't get it?

You're not the only one.

"Kumquat" is kind of long. Do you mind if I call you Kum?

I do mind, actually. "Kum" is a toxic masculine subconscious normative.

Fine, I'll just call you Quat - rhymes with twat.

Ooh, that I like!

No surprise there. So, Quat, what are you a professor of exactly?

Culturally appropriated micro-aggression studies with a focus on gender fluidity.

This should be fun. Now, you came under fire last week for some statements you made about prayer. You said:

"Praying is useless and retarded. Especially when it comes to mass shootings. We need real solutions."

As a Christian, I have to disagree with that.

Saturday, August 26, 2017

The Brick Goes on Shark Tank!

Wuddup peeps?

As y'all know I work at a donut factory. But what you might not know is that I like to harass venture capitalists in my spare time. Most recently, I went on the TV show Shark Tank to pitch one of my inventions to the reality star billionaires. Here's how it went:

          I walked into the studio.

Hello, sharks. For legal purposes, I go by Brick.

Legal purposes??

I guess I should say, legal avoidance purposes.

Go on.

I'm here seeking a $250 investment for a 5%  stake in my company, Tone Def.


Shut up. So anyways, the word "deaf" means not able to hear, but it's also used by black people to mean "cool."

          Daymond jumped out of his seat.


Thank you, Daymond. Now everyone likes music, but some of us are tone deaf. So I invented Tone Def.

          I pulled the table cloth off my invention.

What the fuck is that?

It looks like a destroyed synthesizer.

You're both right. I ripped out all but two keys off this keyboard thereby making it usable by even the most tone deaf motherfuckers out there. Except the ones that are actually deaf. There's no hope for them. So sharks, who's ready to go def!?

Is there anything proprietary about your invention?

That's what I need the $250 for. I need to pay the patent application fee.

You're retarded! How can you play any songs with only two keys!?

Well Robert, statistics show all songs are made of only twelve notes. So I'm sure there's at least a few songs you can play with two.

You come in here with a face like that... it's very disrespectful to us sharks. I'm out.

Thank you for your input Mark, but I'd like to hear what the other sharks have to say.

You're a moron.

Takes one to know one.


It wasn't a question, Daymond.

You're over here talking about grapes, but I don't see you as a health nut. I'm out.

 Maybe I'd of had more success if I wore my Viking hat.

Monday, June 26, 2017

Slice of Brick

Wuddup my fan(s)!!! It's been a while since I've posted to my blog so I won't torture you any longer. I will now answer the question both Trump and CNN are dying to know: what has Brick been up to??

Way to stay relevant, Brick!!


Every day I go to the Riverfront Park in Commerce. It has access to the Los Angeles river that I walk along. Some people live under the bridges there. And I mean straight up live as in they got a whole little set up with chest of drawers and bikes hanging from the "ceiling" and whatnot.

Los Angeles River, population: 2 bridge gremlins 

Sunday, May 28, 2017

Hood Times (moving on down)

My friend Punchino from San Diego called me up the other day...

S'up dog. Hey we haven't kicked it in a while. Why don't me and Craig come visit you in L.A. for Cinco de Mayo?

Yeah that'd be cool. Come on through; should be poppin.

Text me your address.

Just sent it.

Hold on, lemme google earth it. Dude.. what the fuck. You live between a tire shop and a used furniture store??

Zoning laws work kinda different out here.

In that, what? They don't obey them??

Hey! It's not Paco's fault they're not written in Spanish.

In the ghetto, street signs are written in Old English, and tacos eat Mexicans

Saturday, May 20, 2017

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Nu Pac (Brick busts a rhyme!)

What I do on Friday nights when my girlfriend goes out without me...

So many times
That my rhymes
Committin crimes
Y'all dropping dimes
Like I drop beats cuz it's the only thing that you know how to do

Wanted in every county
Bigass bounty
I don't even
Know how many
Warrants but it's definitely turning that Hawaiian Dog's balls blue

But I ain't stoppin
I'm still poppin
Off at the 808
So do what u do best and just stay the fuck out my way

Cuz when I'm done
A thunderin
Ain't no sun
Gon come ya bum
It's only gonna open up the floodgate

Of all the hate
Of all the ppl
So irate
Who denigrate
Every single track of yours I even bother to rate

Talk about a rotten tomato
Ain't no track gotten a rating so low
Since Simon Cowell used to berate that queer Secrest fellow

Ain't a shred of
Iceberg lettuce
Left for us
In this 6 inch sub
Woofer bumping out that pathetic thing you somehow call a track

But be like Bond and
Take a Quantum
Of Solace
You witnessed this
It's not everyday that history takes place

Might as well stay
Cuz it's way too late
To save that bigass thing on your head u somehow call a face!

*Don't forget to check out my book, Moby Brick's Unshuffled Deck!

Friday, April 7, 2017

Conversations with Brick

Set your phasers to intelect!

Y'all Be Sinnin'!

The other day I was locking the door to my apartment as I headed out. I saw the bum who picks cans from our apartment dumpster...

S'up Brick.

S'up Luis.

My name's Harold.


You going to Arco?

No, tonight I go to Chevron.

Ooooh! What's the occasion?

It's Fat Tuesday, my man.

It is? Shit I thought it was Flag Day. Damn that means I gotta go stab my brother before midnight.

Why? Are you giving up shanking people for Lent? Hehe.


I walked into Chevron where my main man Zutroy was working the counter.

Good evening Sir Brick, so nice to see you.

What up Zutroy. I'll have the usual.

Looks nothing like this guy...

Friday, March 3, 2017

Inside the Donut Hole

The donut factory I work for always has me write a lil something for our above titled newsletter. See if you can guess which months these posts were for!!

A Day for Lovers (and retail profits)

So it's Valentine's Day today the perfect time to talk about love and relationships. When you think about it, relationships are a bit like jobs: you might complain when you have one, but if you were to lose your job you would feel like your world came crashing down.

Jobs provide us structure, purpose, and a sense of fulfillment along with of course a means to be able to survive. The same can be said about relationships. While they do require work, and they can be hard to maintain at times, ultimately they give meaning to our lives.
Pictured below: the reason we peasants exist.

Money might provide us with the ability to survive, but relationships give us a reason to work so hard, a reason to keep going. As awesome as a view at the top of the mountain might be it only multiplies when you have someone to share it with. As delicious as a well-made meal might taste, it’s way better if you can enjoy it with the person you love.

Friday, February 3, 2017

Leader of Street Gang Rollin 420's Resigns Amongst Alligations of Racism

Hello jackaloons! I'm currently on administrative leave from the donut factory I work at for the pants-less cartwheel incident, so I decided to engage in some B.S. work to keep myself busy: investigative journalism.

Hey! Acting is a serious career!

Today's story comes from the mean streets of Temecula where the notorious gang leader Lamar Jackson has resigned his position as shot caller for the Rollin 420's amidst allegations that he has been running his organization in a racist manner. 

Wikigangs, a site dedicated to eradicating what it deems to be corrupt gang leaders, released dozens of hacked emails allegedly from Lamar's personal server. The emails reveal frequent use of the N word, referring to women as prostitutes, and a disdain for those in law enforcement.

Earlier today Lamar released the following statement at a press conference where he resigned from his position in the gang: "I deeply regret if my words have offended any of our diverse population who all contribute to the rich cultural tapestry that is America. I will now spend more time with my family and hope I can put this behind me."

  Lamar remembers better days when smiles not systemic racism was 420's unofficial policy. 
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