Monday, August 22, 2016

ISIS Cell Attacks Oylmpic Games, Pick Wrong Event



On August 12th, a local ISIS terrorist cell launched a much feared attack at the Olympic games. However their attack was thwarted by the Olympians themselves. It turns out they chose to launch their attack at the 25 meter rapid fire pistol event.

The terrorist ran into the venue around 2:56 PM local time holding automatic rifles over their heads and yelling "alalalalalalala!" This was right at the time the Olympic contestants were preparing to shoot at the paper targets in front of them.

As fate would have it, they found themselves with a whole new set of targets. Four of the fiver terrorist were shot dead by the Olympic contestants. The fifth terrorist was badly wounded and had to be put in a full body cast.


Note to self, do not get injured in a third world country, I just don't trust their medical technology.


Monday, August 1, 2016

Text and Chill (dating tips from the Brick!)


Girls are awesome aren't they?? But how does one obtain a live one (legally)? Well here are some dating tips from Brick along actual real world non-bot texts to show you how its done.

**If you're viewing on a mobile phone, click on the screenshots to view**


Step one: get yourself a pimp hat.



2) Let her know you'll do whatever it takes to meet her...




3)  Keep your girl interested by knowing how to sell yourself ...




4) You gotta know how to give em compliments...



Sunday, July 17, 2016

Top 5 Movies You've Never Heard Of


I'm bored today, so I thought I'd make a list of my top five underrated movies...


5) HARD EIGHT

Despite staring the big shot names of John C Reilly, Samuel L. Jackson, and Gwyneth Paltrow, no one I've ever talked to about this movie has even heard of it. It's set at a slow pace, and I can see why it didn't become a commercial success. However the movie has a profound moral told in a chilling way: a man's personality and demeanor says nothing about his true character. The final scene is the most simplest and mundane of gestures performed by the main character which seals the point home in a single stroke of genius.  




4) BUFFALO 66

This movie is the perfect embodiment of frustration and deep inner rage topped with the frosting of desperation for approval that only those of of us who were unloved by our parents can ever fully relate to. Everyone else probably thinks the main character is a fucking asshole. They're might not be wrong, but the movie is rife with humor to help you not hate the main character too much and does in the end have a surprisingly positive message. Also it stars Christina Ricci after she put a little meat on and looks hot as fuck.




Sunday, July 10, 2016

Neil DeGrasse Tyson; Not So Scientific


I love science. I think it's awesome. Not only has it given us useful technology, badass entertainment, and life-saving advances in medicine, but I find it fascinating in and of itself. I am especially interested in quantum physics. The developments in this field combine reality with our craziest dreams as they break down our whole universe into a two dimensional existence produced in its entirety by quantum vibrating strings.

But despite my love of science, I don't worship it. And I certainly don't limit the scope of my learning, and personal growth to only those things that exist within the realm of scientifically valid facts. I'd be dead if I did. After all science is just a method. It is as flawed as its practitioner, it has many limitations, and is subject to bias and human manipulation, and skewed perceptions.

"Science" by definition again is nothing more than a method. It is the best vehicle for human intellect and therein lies its permanent limitation: it can only go as far as human intellect can take it. But of course as one of my all time favorite sayings goes, "we don't know what we don't know." That might sound so obvious it doesn't need to be said. But don't confuse it for an idiotic saying such as "it is what it is." The fist saying is a truly profound statement when you take the time to think about what it really means. The second saying is meaningless gibberish.

There are, in my opinion, truths that exists outside the scope of human intellect. This doesn't mean we can't become aware of them and apply them in our lives, it just means that we cannot detect them with our intellect. We therefore have to be open to other avenues of perception to learn about these truths. It's kind of like the color infrared. Just because infrared exists outside of the scope of our vision doesn't mean it isn't real. It just means we have to learn about it by other means than searching for it with our eyes.


Unless you're these guys.

Thursday, June 30, 2016

In Contempt of Donut


Oh hi there, fellow reader!

What's it like to work at a donut factory you ask? Well, I shall tell you...


IM CONVOS

We chat via IM:

LEAD
Brick!! Didn't I tell you to close out existing accounts before putting in new sales orders!! Don't act like you forgot!!

BRICK
Damn I was so gonna go for the "I forgot defense" but you saw it coming. You should be a lawyer. Specifically a DA.

LEAD
Shut up and stop being lazy!!

BRICK
Am I a bad man, Lead? Tell me I'm good.

LEAD

You want me to lie??

BRICK

If you would please.

LEAD

Fine, I will. You're a good person.

BRICK
Yay!! Thank you!! I'm giving you a thumbs up from my cubical. It's the best finger I can give you.

LEAD
Watch it, boy!


Although that's up for debate from what I understand.

Sunday, March 27, 2016

Doucheback Mountain


It was my homie Pun's birthday recently, and I threw a barbecue for him. Something I realized is that me and my friends are douches to eachother...


Pun, Landlord Patrick, Nacho, Cuervo, Hak Man, Deana, K Mo, Brett and a few other random homies show up to my house around 7 PM for the barbecue. I welcome them in and we all gather round in my kitchen.


BRICK
What up peeps? Welcome to my humble abode.

PUN
Coulda said trashy, messy, falling apart, but you went with "humble," good word choice.

BRICK
Says the guy who's jalopy is literally held together with duct tape. You didn't park that piece of junk close to my house did you?

PUN
I didn't drive here dumbass. Remember? I told you I was taking Amtrak.

BRICK
Oh right. Man, your people have come a long way.

PUN
What do you mean?

BRICK
Well, it used to be a bad thing when they put Jews on trains.

Saturday, February 27, 2016

Brick and Nacho Do 1966


A few weeks ago, I called up my good homie Nacho on a Saturday...


BRICK
S'up dude? Got any plans for today?

NACHO
No.

BRICK
Let's go back to the past! I have a time machine.

NACHO
Bahaha! You mean to tell me that your dumb, donut-making ass built a time machine?? I'm not that stupid.

BRICK
I eat more dounts than I make.

NACHO
That's not better.

BRICK
And I didn't built it. Hak Man did. You know, my jet propulsion engineer friend?

NACHO
The one who accidentally lit himself on fire while driving? [actually happened]

BRICK
It wasn't an accident, it was on purpose.

NACHO
Again, not better. Don't ever defend yourself in court, Brick.

BRICK
Shut up, and come over. Bring your keyboard too.


***Nacho came to my house. I took him to the backyard where I kept my time machine.***


NACHO
Wow, you actually have a time machine!!

BRICK
Told you.

NACHO
So why did you need me to bring my keyboard? Is the machine activated by certain musical notes a-la-Close Encounter of the Third Kind?

BRICK
No, you idiot. We need your keyboard because we're gonna go back to 1966 and pretend we wrote all of today's top 40 hits a-la-Dr. Evil. They'll sign us up to a record company and we'll be gozillionaires a-la-Forrest Gump.

NACHO
Dr Evil didn't actually sell the songs from the future. He only sung it to impress his friends. That makes you more evil that a cartoonishly-evil movie villain.


You should be having that discussion with my mom



Friday, February 26, 2016

Hanging Chat


If they knew what we actually used corporate chat for at the donut factory I work for, they'd probably take it away from us. Here are some chat conversations I had at work...


Knife Throwing Hobos


BRICK:
yo joey. so this might come of as kind a weird question, but are you any good at throwing knives?


JOEY:
no, can't say thats a skill set that i possess

BRICK:
so i guess the obvious follow up question is, do u know someone who is?

JOEY:
um, no brick, i don't know anyone who's good at throwing knives

BRICK:
well then u might wanna broaden your horizons a bit. run in different circles you know? just a suggestion, u do with it what u want

JOEY:
speaking of suggestions, im gonna suggest to HR that they quit hiring ppl off of craigslist

BRICK:
hey shut up! you uppity doughnutmen are all the same

JOEY:
so if ur looking for someone good with knives why don't u just get a hobo? probably cheap too

BRICK:
nah tried that. they have problems adhering to a schedule

JOEY:
do you want a knife thrower or a secretary!?

BRICK:
i want a coworker with decent connections. u know where i can find one?

JOEY:
can't believe we're even having this convo. why are u looking for someone with knife throwing skills?? i find that kind of disturbing!!

BRICK:


I always type my chats with the passion of a psychopath


Thursday, February 18, 2016

New from Apple: the i-aSISt


In defiance of the FBI, Apple has announced a new product they will be launching this Spring: the i-aSISt.


 
This new "super encrypted" product, is shaped like an apple to camouflage the fact that it is a fully functional electronic communication device with wifi capabilities. 

We asked, Todd Johnson, head of Apple's design team if shaping an Apple product like an apple was a bit cliche. "What? Oh I never thought of that. I shaped it like an apple because that's what I use to smoke weed in public incognitolly. Wait, is that a word?"

We don't know Todd, we don't know.

"The i-aSISt has been designed to assist those who need a well hidden, encrypted device such as individuals or organizations involved in covert operations," said Apple spokesman Timmy O'Tool.

When asked if there is a risk the device will be used by criminals and  nefarious entities such as ISIS to help them execute horrendous acts of terrorism, Tool replied, "We are not in the business of stopping mass shootings."

Tool may have a point. Inside sources have told us that Evil makes up a pretty significant market share of Apple.


Leaked Apple pie chart not so sweet



All we can say is some plagiarized words of our enemies, "capitalist will sell you the rope to hang him with." And with that, we're out!



 "How you like dem apples!!"





*Don't forget to check out my book, Moby Brick! 

Saturday, February 13, 2016

Dana White, Joe Rogan Conspiracy Theory


Dear readers and readerettes,

it is my contention that comedian Joe Rogan, and comedian Dana White are in fact the same person!!




Consider the evidence:
  • They are both obsessed with UFC.
  • They are both, buff, bald, white guys.
  • They never criticize each other.
  • As stated above, this is a theory. According to atheists if you put the word "theory" after an idea it can no longer be questioned and must be accepted as fact. It's just like String Theory which has been tested and proven in laboratories around the world a total of - wait for it- 0.00000 times!! BUT it has the word "theory" after it and so you're an idiot if you don't believe it.
  • I have never seen them both at the same time at the same place except on Youtube videos that we all know can be altered.


 FAKE!!!!! (caps lock makes my argument irrefutable)
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