Sunday, March 27, 2016

Doucheback Mountain


It was my homie Pun's birthday recently, and I threw a barbecue for him. Something I realized is that me and my friends are douches to eachother...


Pun, Landlord Patrick, Nacho, Cuervo, Hak Man, Deana, K Mo, Brett and a few other random homies show up to my house around 7 PM for the barbecue. I welcome them in and we all gather round in my kitchen.


BRICK
What up peeps? Welcome to my humble abode.

PUN
Coulda said trashy, messy, falling apart, but you went with "humble," good word choice.

BRICK
Says the guy who's jalopy is literally held together with duct tape. You didn't park that piece of junk close to my house did you?

PUN
I didn't drive here dumbass. Remember? I told you I was taking Amtrak.

BRICK
Oh right. Man, your people have come a long way.

PUN
What do you mean?

BRICK
Well, it used to be a bad thing when they put Jews on trains.

Saturday, February 27, 2016

Brick and Nacho Do 1966


A few weeks ago, I called up my good homie Nacho on a Saturday...


BRICK
S'up dude? Got any plans for today?

NACHO
No.

BRICK
Let's go back to the past! I have a time machine.

NACHO
Bahaha! You mean to tell me that your dumb, donut-making ass built a time machine?? I'm not that stupid.

BRICK
I eat more dounts than I make.

NACHO
That's not better.

BRICK
And I didn't built it. Hak Man did. You know, my jet propulsion engineer friend?

NACHO
The one who accidentally lit himself on fire while driving? [actually happened]

BRICK
It wasn't an accident, it was on purpose.

NACHO
Again, not better. Don't ever defend yourself in court, Brick.

BRICK
Shut up, and come over. Bring your keyboard too.


***Nacho came to my house. I took him to the backyard where I kept my time machine.***


NACHO
Wow, you actually have a time machine!!

BRICK
Told you.

NACHO
So why did you need me to bring my keyboard? Is the machine activated by certain musical notes a-la-Close Encounter of the Third Kind?

BRICK
No, you idiot. We need your keyboard because we're gonna go back to 1966 and pretend we wrote all of today's top 40 hits a-la-Dr. Evil. They'll sign us up to a record company and we'll be gozillionaires a-la-Forrest Gump.

NACHO
Dr Evil didn't actually sell the songs from the future. He only sung it to impress his friends. That makes you more evil that a cartoonishly-evil movie villain.


You should be having that discussion with my mom



Friday, February 26, 2016

Hanging Chat


If they knew what we actually used corporate chat for at the donut factory I work for, they'd probably take it away from us. Here are some chat conversations I had at work...


Knife Throwing Hobos


BRICK:
yo joey. so this might come of as kind a weird question, but are you any good at throwing knives?


JOEY:
no, can't say thats a skill set that i possess

BRICK:
so i guess the obvious follow up question is, do u know someone who is?

JOEY:
um, no brick, i don't know anyone who's good at throwing knives

BRICK:
well then u might wanna broaden your horizons a bit. run in different circles you know? just a suggestion, u do with it what u want

JOEY:
speaking of suggestions, im gonna suggest to HR that they quit hiring ppl off of craigslist

BRICK:
hey shut up! you uppity doughnutmen are all the same

JOEY:
so if ur looking for someone good with knives why don't u just get a hobo? probably cheap too

BRICK:
nah tried that. they have problems adhering to a schedule

JOEY:
do you want a knife thrower or a secretary!?

BRICK:
i want a coworker with decent connections. u know where i can find one?

JOEY:
can't believe we're even having this convo. why are u looking for someone with knife throwing skills?? i find that kind of disturbing!!

BRICK:


I always type my chats with the passion of a psychopath


Thursday, February 18, 2016

New from Apple: the i-aSISt


In defiance of the FBI, Apple has announced a new product they will be launching this Spring: the i-aSISt.


 
This new "super encrypted" product, is shaped like an apple to camouflage the fact that it is a fully functional electronic communication device with wifi capabilities. 

We asked, Todd Johnson, head of Apple's design team if shaping an Apple product like an apple was a bit cliche. "What? Oh I never thought of that. I shaped it like an apple because that's what I use to smoke weed in public incognitolly. Wait, is that a word?"

We don't know Todd, we don't know.

"The i-aSISt has been designed to assist those who need a well hidden, encrypted device such as individuals or organizations involved in covert operations," said Apple spokesman Timmy O'Tool.

When asked if there is a risk the device will be used by criminals and  nefarious entities such as ISIS to help them execute horrendous acts of terrorism, Tool replied, "We are not in the business of stopping mass shootings."

Tool may have a point. Inside sources have told us that Evil makes up a pretty significant market share of Apple.


Leaked Apple pie chart not so sweet



All we can say is some plagiarized words of our enemies, "capitalist will sell you the rope to hang him with." And with that, we're out!



 "How you like dem apples!!"





*Don't forget to check out my book, Moby Brick! 

Saturday, February 13, 2016

Dana White, Joe Rogan Conspiracy Theory


Dear readers and readerettes,

it is my contention that comedian Joe Rogan, and comedian Dana White are in fact the same person!!




Consider the evidence:
  • They are both obsessed with UFC.
  • They are both, buff, bald, white guys.
  • They never criticize each other.
  • As stated above, this is a theory. According to atheists if you put the word "theory" after an idea it can no longer be questioned and must be accepted as fact. It's just like String Theory which has been tested and proven in laboratories around the world a total of - wait for it- 0.00000 times!! BUT it has the word "theory" after it and so you're an idiot if you don't believe it.
  • I have never seen them both at the same time at the same place except on Youtube videos that we all know can be altered.


 FAKE!!!!! (caps lock makes my argument irrefutable)

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

Another Day, Another Dounut


After weeks of training at my new job at the donut factory, today we were expected to demonstrate what we had learned...


BOSS MAN
OK trainees, today we're going to do some roll playing. We are going to practice processing a SL-812 while pretending to be on the phone with a client. I will be the client and one of you will come up to the projection screen and be the rep.

Now I know you're anxious to show us that you know the steps involved with an SL-812, but its important to treat this as if it was a real call. DO NOT break character. I will be your client, not your trainer.

If you get stuck, put me on hold and ask a fellow trainee to help out. And don't forget to build rapport. Remember the client isn't just buying an SL-812; he's buying you. So, who wants to be the first volunteer?

BRICK
I do!

BOSS MAN
OK great! Get up here Brick. Show us how it's done.

BRICK
Hello, thank you for calling The Dounut Factory, this is Brick. How may I fill your donut hole today?

BOSS MAN
Yes, Brick my name is "Steve." I'm interested in an SL-812.

BRICK
Just an SL-812?

BOSS MAN
Yes.

BRICK
Can I also interest you in a PY-932?

BOSS MAN
No, thank you.

BRICK
How about a NM-COR?

BOSS MAN
No.

BRICK
An ES-001?

BOSS MAN
No.

BRICK
A back rub?

BOSS MAN
Dammit Brick, focus!

BRICK
Shoot, thought I had you at back rub.

BOSS MAN
Just get me an SL-812 Brick. Can you do that please?

BRICK
Sure thing, Steve. And just to let you know, we now offer catering.

BOSS MAN
I don't think I want a beat up donut truck in front of my house.

BRICK
Oh don't worry. We keep our trucks so neat and shiny that when you look at it you'll see your face on the side. You'll think you own the company hehe. By the way how's the weather out where you are?

Sunday, January 31, 2016

Breaking Dounut


I recently got a job working at a donut factory. I was pretty excited; I finally got a job in a field I love..



DAY ONE


BOSS MAN
OK new hires, now that we're done with filling out our W2's its time to open your training manuals.

BRICK
Training manual?? How hard can it be to pour polycarbonate into a donut mold?

BOSS MAN
What the hell are you talking about?

BRICK
Don't we manufacture donuts here?

BOSS MAN
We BAKE donuts. And they're not made of polycarbonate!!

BRICK
Whaaaaat? What are they made of then?

BOSS MAN
Donuts are made of dough, Brick.

BRICK
I'm in way over my head. How long is this training going to be?

BOSS MAN
Six weeks.

BRICK
Fuck me. This is gonna be a loooong fortnight!


So what makes them shiny?


Thursday, January 21, 2016

Professor Gives Easiest Exam Ever: "every answer is 'Government Expansion'"



Math classes aren't usually the ones that college students are excited to sign up for. But a Florida University math professor by the name of Rupert Winslow III teaches a statistics class which has managed to become the single most popular class on the roster of courses. It has become so popular that students from other schools travel from over 50 miles away to take the class. There is now a six month waiting list to get into the class.

There are a few theories floating around the campus as to why this is the case. Some say it's because the class is mandatory for many business and science majors. Professor Winslow believes it's due to his charm and a certain "je ne sais quoi" he felt about himself ever since he was boy. 


"I felt it mostly in my pants."


The students themselves have a different theory. "This dumbass professor gives the easiest tests ever, the answer to every single problem is 'Government Expansion,'" says one sophomore.

Monday, November 30, 2015

#GreyMatters


The following post is about two ah-ha moments I had in my life. An "ah-ha" moment is when you learn a lesson. It's when a light bulb that was always inside your mind finally gets lit. The two ah-ha moments I will talk about happened about 15 years apart but little did I know they were actually intertwined...


The Unvite

The first one happened roughly 15 years ago. Back then I was extremely paranoid, and that's putting it lightly. In fact the title of this blog, They're All Against Me, is a little nod to my past; it's me poking fun at my (mostly) former paranoid self. 

I remember one time my close friends, Tyler, Mac, Max, and Nacho invited me to come chill in the park. "Sure," I replied via text. This is it, I thought to myself. They are planning to jump me. Why I would think they were planning on jumping me for no reason in broad day light in the most public of places I have no idea, but then paranoia lacks logic by definition.

I threw on a muscle shirt, my Dickies shorts, my chucks, and headed to the park. I walked up to where I saw them all chilling on a bench flexing my arms as I walked. I wanted to send a message: "yes I know what's coming, and I ain't scared!"


I always flex my arms when going to my own gang raping

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