Friday, February 3, 2017

Leader of Street Gang Rollin 420's Resigns Amongst Alligations of Racism


Hello jackaloons! I'm currently on administrative leave from the donut factory I work at for the pants-less cartwheel incident, so I decided to engage in some B.S. work to keep myself busy: investigative journalism.


Hey! Acting is a serious career!

Today's story comes from the mean streets of Temecula where the notorious gang leader Lamar Jackson has resigned his position as shot caller for the Rollin 420's amidst allegations that he has been running his organization in a racist manner. 

Wikigangs, a site dedicated to eradicating what it deems to be corrupt gang leaders, released dozens of hacked emails allegedly from Lamar's personal server. The emails reveal frequent use of the N word, referring to women as prostitutes, and a disdain for those in law enforcement.

Earlier today Lamar released the following statement at a press conference where he resigned from his position in the gang: "I deeply regret if my words have offended any of our diverse population who all contribute to the rich cultural tapestry that is America. I will now spend more time with my family and hope I can put this behind me."

  Lamar remembers better days when smiles not systemic racism was 420's unofficial policy. 

I sat down with a former member of the gang who requested not to be identified for an exclusive interview . I guess he's afraid he might get sued or something.


BRICK
Thank you for speaking with us today, KCG.

KCG
Fasho.

BRICK
First question, I understand that you don't want me to use your real name, but why are you asking me to call you KCG? I mean why not just go with Anonymous?

KCG
It stands for King Cootch Grabber.

BRICK
Hey, kinda like the president!

KCG
Naw man, don't associate me with that human cheeto.


Best description ever.


BRICK
So Lamar Jackson announced he is stepping down from the Rollin 420's today. Are you surprised?

KCG
Naw man. The Rollin 420's started out as a street gang that protected our minority community. But somewhere along the way we forgot our roots, shooting motherfuckers, making babies sell drugs, pimping out our young women.. I'm concerned about the direction our organization is headed.

BRICK
Yes, but what about the allegations of racism?

KCG
Oh yeah, there's that too. Lamar would call white people crackers, Mexicans beaners, and women hoes. That's just not the image we wanna put out there in 2017.

BRICK
So you would call this a hostile work environment?

KCG
Motherfucker I've been shot five times.

BRICK
Is that covered by your insurance?

KCG
I got a question for you "Brick."

BRICK
You wanna know where I'm from?

KCG
Why do you suburbanites use the word "gangster" to mean cool?

BRICK
Cause gangsters are badass.

KCG
You know that gangsters kill people right? I mean what if I saw some kid do a "neat" trick on a skateboard or whatever you suburbanites are into and I was all, "damn dog, that shit was pedophile!"

BRICK
That's sick! Pedophiles molest children!

KCG
So molesting them is wrong but killing them is ok?

BRICK
Are you sure you're a former gang banger?

KCG
Are you sure you're a reporter?

BRICK
Touche.

KCG
Fuck you.

Pedophile as fuuuuuuuccck!


*Don't forget to check out my book, Moby Brick! 





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