Friday, April 19, 2013

The Man Who Knew Things

So my fan(s) the rumors are true... Brick has gone corporate! Yup, I got me a job at a big soulless corporation. And you know what? I like being part of the problem.

"lemme check on them stocks"

Ocean's 0.5

I accidentally broke into our neighboring company's snack room... twice. See what had happened was our manager kept telling us about a secret back entrance to our building (our building's pretty big) which is supposedly accessed by a hidden stairwell. I wanted to find this secret passage, so one morning I parked in the back of our building to try and find it. As I walked up to one of the doors to get in, a lady walked up just ahead of me. She scanned her badge and held the door for me.

What I walked into was one of the most beautiful break rooms ever. It had a huge selection of snacks, sandwiches, even the white man's burrito (wraps). I was in awe taking it all in - I half expected Willy Wonka to pop out and blurt out a witty, morally ambiguous quip. But before long I realized it was time to get to work. I exited through a door which took me to the secret stairwell I had heard so much about. At this point, I was over the stairs already. I was now more excited about the snack room. When lunch time came around, I went back down the stairwell to my new found fascination.

All that stood between me and food coma bliss was a wooden door to the room. I repeatedly scanned my badge at the door beep thingy to try to gain access but it kept flashing red instead of green. I was confused. Fortunately, a helpful guy walked up from behind. He chuckled as he said "here let me get it for you." He scanned his badge and let us both in. I was back in the Hidden Room of Wonders with the various, buffet-like snack dispensers.

After finally making a selection, I noticed something was wrong. "Where do I put my money in?" I asked the helpful guy who was in the room with me. He chuckled again. "The machines don't accept cash. You're supposed to use that card they gave you." 

"Right," I replied. 'What the heck is he talking about?' I mumbled to myself. Suddenly a lightbulb went off in my head. "This snack room must belong to the company that owns the downstairs part of the building - you know, seeing how it's located DOWNSTAIRS and all!! I better get out of here."

In my disillusion of not being able to buy one of the precious snacks, I accidentally exited through the wrong door and ended up in a sea of cubicals. "Woah, I'm like a corporate spy" I thought to myself as I walked down the rows. Eventually, the urge to act a fool was too strong to contain. I stopped walking in the middle of a row. I looked to my left. I looked to my right. I cabbage patched. Then came the running man. Heads started to pop out of cubicals. "What is he doing?" I heard. "Who is that? Is he on your team?"

Drones see a work space, I see a dance floor.
Cubicals at Scala Lift Off by cote, on Flickr
Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic License  by  cote 

Before long, a security guard was standing in front of me. "Where's your manager son?" he asked. "I don't have one." Next came the moonwalk. "I think you'd better follow me." So I did, and after everything was explained, I was escorted back to the soulless corporation that I actually worked for. My manager told me I was the first person to get written up for trespassing and ended by saying, "the world is not your disco."

Fucking bitch.

Ocho Dos Knows

We all had to get licensed at work in order to keep our jobs. We crammed for weeks and then finally got sent to a building downtown to take our state exam. Since I know I can be a little slow, I had spent every waking hour reading the material and making flash cards. Apparently all this paid off because I got a 82% score. That's really good for this exam which only requires a 60% score to pass. Half of our "new hire" group didn't pass. The rest all got scores in the 60's.

So when we got back to the office, my group was amazed. "Dude! You got an 82% congrats man. I shall name thee Ocho Dos," one of my coworkers said. "Wow, just like the football player. I like that nickname!" I replied. "Well I was going to call you Rainman, but I don't need to get docked by HR. Again."

Fucking Douche.

After they fired those who didn't pass (including the cute girl who I could tell was totally into me, just my luck), we went back to work at our cubicals. Next thing I knew, a lady came up to me and tapped my shoulder. I looked up. "Are you Breck?" she asked. "My name is Brick ma'am." I replied.

"Whatever, come with me. The boss wants to see you," she retorted. "Oh great, I'm getting fired as usual! Well, it's been a nice month and a half while it lasted," I thought. She led me to the boss's office where I saw the chick who runs our whole office and some other chick.

Hi there Brock! How are you? This is Tisa, our Head of Training Opperations.

Wait a minute isn't this the guy who was caught with the noodles in the -

Nevermind that! That incident is behind us and our legal team now. Take a seat, Brock, we want to ask you about how you did so well on the state exam.

Nice to meet you fine ladies. And please, call me Ocho Dos.

*They looked at eachother*

So, um, we were curious, what did you do to get such a high score on the test?

I studied. 

*Long awkward pause*

Ok, well are there any suggestions you have for Tisa?

Well I wasn't going to say anything, but since you guys are asking - seriously the snack room at the company downstairs is wayyy better than ours. Y'all need to look into more diverse vending machines.

Alright, Bjork, we thank you so much for your time. You may return to your cubical now.

We're done? Already? You sure you don't want to hear about my ideas on expanding the company's hedge fund investment into foreign securities markets? Because they've been out performing the DOW by a two percent margin in the last eight quarters...

None of that made any sense. Please report back to your manager.

*Later on I was talking to my friend Chino*

Dude I got the highest score in my training class! They even asked me what I did to get such a high score.

What was your score?


So you got a B.

Fucking Asians.

*Don't forget to check out my book!  

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