Tuesday, February 12, 2013

The Debt Whisperer

Now that I moved back to Cali, I blog a lot less. It's not so much by choice as just the fact that I'm much more busy than I was when I lived in Europa. Anyways I figured I would give my readers a round up of what I've been up to - all two of you.

My weekend as expressed through effigies...

by ismael villafranco

The Debt Whisperer

Work has been going good. I sell some kind of credit card related product. I forget which one exactly, I should look into it someday. I was nicknamed "The Debt Whisperer" because no one ever hears me talking on the phone yet I throw up deal after deal. They say I tell the clients "Put your credit card up to the phone. Now I'm going to whisper your debt away..."

I'll admit I like the nickname, but I believe I earned an even cooler one: "The Master of Disguise." Allow me to explain...

One day I wanted a coke and I asked my manager if I could go out and buy one since the vending machine in our breakroom was empty. He informed me that there was a vending machine on the lead generation side of the building.

Since only managers are allowed to cross sides, he told me he would go get me one as soon as he was done with the meeting he had to go to. I didn't feel like waiting that long so I told him, "Dude, just give me your wireless headset and walkie talkie. They'll think I'm a manager and no one will question what I'm doing." To my surprise he agreed. So I threw on his gear, and marched through the doors of the lead generation side with purpose.

Brickman, corpororate spy! Wah-nana!

I looked at people as they sat at their desks and gave them a quick nod of the head in silent approval of their good work. Soon I found myself face to face with the ATM of sugar fully loaded with precious coca cola. Unfortunately, it was at this point that I realized I didn't have a dollar.

Tales from the Hood

Naturally, being back in L.A. I had to go see my hero and father figure my uncle, Old Man Tats. My cousin Big Jay was there as well. He was telling us about how one time he was arrested by the Sheriff yet again.

As he was being hauled into jail the Sheriff got a call from someone in the neighborhood complaining that my cousin was starting shit. The Sheriff replied, "That's impossible - he's been with me all day." Then my cousin would interject, "See?? They fucking lie about me and accuse me of shit I didn't do!"

Of course what the Sheriff didn't know is that my cousin told his friend to call in with false accusations so that he could act as if there were people out there trying to frame him for the crimes he really did commit. Sharp cookie that one.

This prompted Tats to share a story of his own. I guess back in his day, they used to play stick ball in the streets of East L.A. One day, him and his friend, Joe Loco were playing on their own when my uncle hit the ball onto the roof of a local business.

He sent his friend up there to go get the ball. His friend climbed up without a hitch. My uncle waited patiently while his friend was up there looking for the ball, but after ten minutes went by he started to wonder what was going on. "What's taking him so long??" he thought to himself. Just when he called out to Joe to see what the hold up was, he was assaulted by a barrage of watches, necklaces, and rings that were flying through the air.

"What the fuck?!" he said out loud.

"Ay dude I found a way into the shop from up here! Help me gather this shit!" Joe Loco responded.

Apparently he found an unlocked entrance from the roof and took the opportunity to rob the jewelery shop blind. Ever since Tats told me this story I always make sure to lock my skylights at night.

 I also yell out "release the hounds!" if I hear any strange noises outside o.0
shack by jnewland, on Flickr
Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic License  by  jnewland 

My Other Ride Has Blades

I went to see my friend Johnny Boy last week. I asked him how work was going at the mortgage company he works for. He said it was going OK, but that he was looking for a career change. I asked him what he was looking to get into. He said he's going to Helicopter school.

Fucking helicopter school!!! That's so awesome!! Now if I ever get incarcerated I have a fool proof escape plan just like Alexei Shestakov. But seeing as how I don't plan on committing any more crimes, I think the best use of Johnny's new skills would be an unexpected ride home from work.

I could see it now: I would stand outside our office building smoking with my coworkers after a long day of legalized scamming. After shooting the shit for a few minutes I would look at my watch, toss my cigg on the ground, grab a brief case that had been hidden in the bushes, and say, "Alright boys, I got some people to see about this one thing."

Then out of nowhere, Johnny Boy would hover down on his chopper. He wouldn't even land; he would just get low enough to the ground so I can grab on to one of the skids (landing bar thingy) with one hand and be whisked away never to be seen or hear from again...

...probably because I died doing something stupid.

by jurvetson

The Cell Rings for Thee

While working out the other day I dropped a weight on my phone which cracked the screen. So my friend let me borrow his old cell which I swapped my number to while waiting for my new screen to be shipped over. His phone also had a cracked screen but the difference is it had a key pad so I could at least dial out and answer calls.

Never woulda bought this cheap POS if I'd known it was NOT 10 lbs dumbbell proof. 

I still couldn't see the screen though which meant I couldn't change the ringtone. That was bad because the ringtone was a very quiet one and half of the time I didn't know my phone was ringing. So one morning I was signing to myself as I started my car. All of the sudden I heard a voice: "Hello?? Hello??"

That's when I realized my phone had been ringing and I pocket answered it. And that, my friends, is why and how i ended up singing, "It ain't no fuuuuuunn, if the homies can't geeeeet none" to the corporate recruiter of Wells Fargo Bank. You know, just in case you wondering.

Still haven't heard back from her.

by Nathan O'Nions

*Don't forget to check out my book! http://mobybrickbook.com  

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