Tuesday, July 10, 2012

I'm Here All Night!

This is a lil’ stand up routine I wrote. It’s written for comedy and isn’t meant to be an entirely accurate portrayal of my father:

(Walks on stage, picks up mic.)

Hey guys how y’all doing? How was everybody’s Father’s Day? Yeah I know, Father’s Day was six months ago, but I’m using that as my lead in to talk about my dad. Pretty smooth, huh? My dad, man, he was a trip. He was always unemployed; it’s what he did for a living. I wouldn’t recommend it though; the pay isn’t that great.

I was always so ashamed of my father growing up. I used to tell the kids at school that my dad was an accountant for a major corporation. But those kids were sharp man; you couldn’t get anything past them. Don’t let anyone tell you American kids are dumb. They would hit me with some tough questions like, “If your dad’s an accountant for a corporation, why are the holes in your shoes filled with cardboard?”

I didn’t really have a good answer to that one. Of course, I kind of feel like I didn’t have much to work with. I would just say, “My dad’s not the kind of guy that likes to buy things for his kids… like shoes. He’s weird like that.”

You ever notice... stand up comedians have little sympathy for people who get mauled by tigers

by Douglas Pimentel

You know how it goes, some dads buy clothes for their kids. Other dads’ kids have to settle for what they find in the dumpster. Just different schools of parenting. Yup, my dad was an embarrassment. By the way, he’s here with us tonight. Stand up, Dad, take a bow! No, I’m just kidding he’s not here: he couldn’t afford tickets. Actually he did buy some on a payment plan.

I tried telling him, “Hector,” (I call him Hector. It’s this inside thing we have where I don’t acknowledge that he’s my biological father). I said to him, “Hector, the tickets are only good for one night!"

He said, “Shut up! Two more payments and they’re mine!”

I said, “Well, maybe I’ll make it big, and you can sell them on eBay.”

He said, “Really? Can you autograph them for me?”

“No, I’m not the kind of guy who likes to autograph things for his abusive father. I’m weird like that.”

You know what though, I’m picking on my dad a lot but he did do some good things for me too; like he always fed me healthy meals.

I remember asking, “What’s for breakfast, Dad?”

“Chair to the face! That’s what!”

The wooden ones were high in fiber, whereas the metal ones were high in iron.

Also, one day I will inherit his Gruen watch. That is a quality piece of work man. I know this because he wore it on his beating hand; and it still works just fine.

Gives a likin, keeps on tickin!

by scottfeldstein

Plus, he made sure that I went to the best foster homes. I’m talking top of the line here, people, screens in the windows and everything…

He would ask about me, too, when I was in the system. He would say, “My son, Brick, is he still alive?” When the social worker told me this I thought, “How sweet, my dad wants to know if I’m alive or not. Such a caring father.”

So speaking of old people, I went to go visit my grandpa the other day. We sat there watching five episodes of Andy Griffith Show in a row, when I broke out the cell phone and started dicking around on the nets.

My grandpa's all, "you kids and your fancy smanchy phones!! What would you do if that damn thing broke huh??"

I'm like, "I don't know probably sit around and watch TV for 10 hours a day like you!!!"

Fucking old people man. Old man voice "back in my day we didn't spend all day playing with some damn i-phone! We went outside and got exercise!"

 Yeah I don't know. Maybe that has something to do with the fact that.. i-phones didn't fucking exist!!

They act like it was some kind of morally superior decision on their part. Like their mom asked them if they wanted an i-phone for Christmas, and they were like, "No mother! Do not purchase this asinine device for me!! For I shall spend my time in the outdoors, hitting the ground with a stick!!! And I will grow from this experience like the great humanitarian that I am!!!"

*Don't forget to check out my book! http://mobybrickbook.com  

No comments:

Post a Comment

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...