Saturday, August 31, 2013

Days of Young

Do Bricks Age? 

Nah, they outlast civilizations ;)

So I had a birthday recently. I thought I could sneak it by my coworkers till I got to work that Friday morning where I found my cubical littered with HR-approved dollar store birthday decorations. They spare no expense at my low paying soulless corporation.

Modern day panem et circenses.

So it's your birthday this weekend huh. What you doing to celebrate?

Going to a funeral.

At least I get to suit up.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a morbid emo fuck - it just so happened that one of my best friends JT's mom had passed away a few weeks earlier and her funeral was on Saturday - the day after my birthday. Therefore I drove up to LA that Friday after work with the intention of going to JT's pad so that we could head out to his mom's funeral together in the morning.

However when my homies in LA got wind of the fact that A, it was my birthday and B, I was going to be in town, they convinced me to make a pit stop at the local watering hole. Followed by a pit stop at the local whore house.

How do I always get roped into Chi Chi's gnome porn fantasies?

While I sat there enjoying the establishment's fine cuisine and admiring the marvelous ambiance, one of the strippers took me by the hand and told me that my boy Chi Chi paid for me to get a private dance. Apparently that's not all he paid for as she did things to me that the girls on the squinty channel do (I call it the squinty channel, cause I call it like I see it!)

It was a good time until I realized it was 3 AM and I was a little late for my projected ETA of 10 PM at JT's house. But JT is one of my best homies, and much as it was going to hurt I had to be there for his mom's funeral. So I drove up to his pad, and since it was too late to ring the doorbell, I simply slept in my car parked in his driveway. Sort of.

Hope I don't make this mistake at the cemetery.

I was awoken the next morning by JT knocking on my car window. I rolled it down..

Nice park job there buddy. So much for my azaleas.

Dude! Sorry I didn't make it here on time last night. I got kind of caught up with this work thing, but I'm good to go now. I got my suit in the trunk - give me ten minutes and I'll be ready to roll.

Work thing, huh? Well the bathroom's all yours buddy. Make it quick; we're leaving soon. By the way, there's glitter all over your face. Do something about that, yeah?

Everybody's Mom

JT's mom's, nicknamed "everybody's mom," service was very beautiful. I always knew she was a good person, but I never realized the extent of how full of life and love she was. At the end of the eulogy the pastor gave people a chance to say some words about her. Of all the people in the room, I was probably the one who knew her the least. But even though I did not know her that well directly, I knew she must have been a great a person by the job she did raising her two wonderful children.

Never have a I met a more generous individual than JT himself, always giving 110% in everything that he does, smarter than a room full of smart people yet never brags about it, and I am proud to call him one of my best friends. JT's sister had her own battle with cancer which she won. JT's mom is with her Maker now, but through her children, JT's mom's beauty continues to flourish on earth too.

God Hates Me

JT is getting married soon. Very soon. In the middle of September to be exact. In the desert. Outdoors. In the sun, where I will be sporting a black tuxedo. Apparently God isn't the only one who hates me. I think he's still pissed about his azaleas. Anyways, preceding any good marriage is damn good bachelor party, and that's exactly what JT had in Vegas.

Vegas, where you can tell how great your night was by how shitty you look the next morning:

Now though the festivities began the Thursday of that week, I had to work till Friday. I got off late that day - around 10 PM or so. Sure I could have left that night and avoided the heat and traffic, but I didn't feel like driving for five straight hours after my shift at work only to get to Vegas just in time to hit the sack. I decided instead to make the most of my night in SD and then head to Vegas around noon the next day. Whats the worst that could happen?

A tour bus crashed and caught fire, that's what!! Traffic was backed up for an insane amount of miles. That five hour drive turned into a nine hour journey from hell in the blazing midday heat of August. I guess I should consider it training for the wedding.

I finally arrived in Vegas by about 9 PM, and met up with JT and the boys. It was a good night as we got tore up, hit Coyote Ugly, played beer pong, and invented a card game called "Whore War" which is basically the same as "War" only it's played with stripper business cards and the hottest chick card wins the pile.

 Some day our game will be televised.

The next day JT woke us up at 7:30 AM after getting a whole two hours of sleep. I'm telling you it's the azaleas. He sent me on a mission to get some ice. He gave me a bucket, and I started to put my shoes on. "You don't gotta put your shoes on bro, the ice machine is in the hotel lobby. It's carpeted the whole way." I don't need to be told twice to skip putting  my shoes on. So I rocked out with my socks out and headed down to the lobby.

But when I saw the signs that indicated the directions to the ice machine, I noticed that it pointed outside and I would be walking on hot black top. I had had just about enough of the heat by now and decided that would be too much. I headed back to our hotel room, put my shoes on, and then returned to the ice machine. When I got there I saw another sign. It said, "to access ice machine please insert hotel card."


I went back to our room once again. I got the hotel card. I headed back down the hall to the exit where the ice machine was. A couple who had been sitting on a bench in the hall the whole time whispered to eachother. "There goes that boy with the bucket again," said one. "They say he's retarded," replied the other. 

"I'm looking for my marbles, " I told them with a straight face. I made it back to the ice machine. This time I had my shoes on AND the hotel card. "Round two, Jew!" I proclaimed. I swiped the hotel card, and pushed down on the button. A few measly ice cubes fell into my bucket then the machine stopped. I pressed the button multiple times, but nothing came out. I was ready to sock somebody.

I walked back into the hotel and wondered the halls looking for an employee to yell at. I found one who it turns out was also looking for me. 

Do you need help son? We've had some complaints about you walking around without adult supervision.

Oh yeah? Well I got a few complaints of my own buddy!! For one thing your ice machine is out of ice.

Am I right in assuming you swiped the hotel card as opposed to inserting it and leaving it in there while pushing the button?


Damn straight!

 Left to right: Me, Donnie B, JT, Landlord Patrick, and Random Friends # 52 - 94

*This post is dedicated to JT and his family. I keep you all in my prayers and look forward to celebrating JT's wedding!!!!

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