Friday, August 30, 2013

Rumble in the Ghetto

When weekend rolls around, I like to spend time watering my azaleas, tending to my precious stock market shares, oh and getting shitface-plastered.

The perfect trifecta!!
Pismo trio (L-R: Dorothy Ellis, TJ Carse by mikebaird, on Flickr
Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic License  by  mikebaird 

This particular night in question, we rolled out to Adams Ave for a little bar hoping and tomfoolery. Our group consisted of me, El Mizo, and Gambi (stands for Grown Ass Man Being Insulted). It was a good time as we downed shot after shot of fireball and got some beers in us inbetween. We then saw one of Gambi's good friends, Cici, who El Mizo was attracted to - out with two other dudes who she was taking home with her.

El Mizo proposed we follow them back to her house. "I'm down," I said. What could possibly go wrong? We bought some beer and headed down 36th to crash the menage. When we got there, I walked in the livingroom while El Mizo and Gambi went to put beers in the fridge.

I pointed to a boom box in the corner of the room and said, "oh cool, they used to call those ghetto blasters, hehe."

As it turns out, one of the dudes Cici had brought home with her was a complete and total douchebag. I knew this the minute he responded to my comment with, "yeah, and it looks like it brought the ghetto in too."

Oh hell no. You can say what you want about me - vast majority of the time I won't even give a shit, but you insult my homies and it's on, especially since Gambi is black and I wasn't sure if it was meant to be a racist comment. Either way I started tearing into this dude.

I don't know what's more white, your shirt or your skin tone.

Ahaha very funny. Say why do they call you Brick? Is it because you're as dumb as a brick?

Naw, I'm not as dumb as you look.

Good one, I'll take that as a compliment coming from you.

You should take it as a complement, cause that's about as good as it's gonna get.

Now a little side bar about El Mizo: he is a stereotypical Alpha male who is built like a tank and takes testosterone to help himself get there. He does not like guys like the D-bag Cici brought home as the D-bag is the kind of guy who tries to put down others to establish dominance.

We call him El Mizo cause he looks like a Mexican version of The Miz
John Cena, Zack Ryder and Kofi Kingston by interbeat, on Flickr
Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic License  by  interbeat 

You could cut the tension in the house with a knife, as me and El Mizo traded shots with the D-bag, El Mizo dumped Cici's wine down the sink, and we just generally acted as dicks. A few other people were at the house and I later found out they told Gambi to "get your friends out of here."

El Mizo pulled me aside and said, "here, take my watch. I'm about to knock this fool out." I replied with, "I got your back, dog." But then I got pulled aside again, this time by Gambi. "El Mizo can't get in a fight! Does he really want to lose his government clearance over some stupid shit?"

Gambi was right. I had totally forgotten that El Mizo couldn't even have one arrest on his record or he would lose his 92K a year government job. So this time I did the pulling aside. I pulled El Mizo away from the girls he was talking to. "Let's leave this dump. I stole some of their beers. We can drink them at Gambi's pad." I said with the not-so-well hidden stolen beers clanking in my pocket.

The three of us made it out to the driveway, and there I stood 30 pack in hand and stolen beers in my pocket. I was glad we had avoided a fight - or so I thought. One minute I was staring at the sky chewing on my tongue, the next I was laying on my back in the driveway.

El Mizo had bullrushed me and slammed my ass onto the pavement knocking down trashcans as he went. All the beers from the 30 pack had spilled out and were mixed in with the trash that was now spread out on the driveway as well. It was like a redneck mosaic. The beers in my pocket had exploded.

El Mizo lay on top of me and started palming me in the face. "Get the fuck off me you piece of shit!!" I yelled out. I kept cussing him out as he kept palming me in the face. Eventually we both got up and El Mizo walked off somewhere. I started kicking the fallen beer cans all over the street. "This is bullshit!!" I yelled out in my anger.

El Mizo then came storming back. "You called me a piece of shit?!" He barked at me.

"Yeah thats right! Fucking hit me homie!! Think you're bad? Come on!!" I replied. So he did, and we traded a few shots. Next thing I remember, I was walking down the street towards the 7-11 to buy some water to sober up. I would have to drive myself home since I wasn't going to be staying at Gambi's pad with El Mizo there.

But El Mizo wasn't done. He rushed me from the back, slammed me into a cinder-brick wall and began to choke me out. With my dying breath, I managed to squeeze out, "the cops are coming you idiot."

"The cops can't save you, boy," he responded. The next part I remember is having made it to the 7-11 where I purchased some water and was approched by some random black guy who saw the last part of the fight. "Dude what's up with your boy? He faded?"

In retrospect, we were lucky the cops never came. I was talking shit pretty loud the whole time, but I guess they're used to that in North Park. Oh and watch El Mizo had me hold for him? Yeah that thing shattered when he slammed me to the ground. The second victim of his vicious attack; the first one being the stolen beers in my pocket.

I later asked Gambi what happened to the beers I had kicked all over the street. He said that one of the girls from the house came outside after the fight and started scooping them all up. Low class hussy! Seriously who pulls such a classless move? Moral of the story: don't steal. Also don't attack friends who are holding your property - wait for them to put it away first.

Oh and also if you meet up with a coach from work the morning after a night of drunken brawling, don't explain the cuts and bruises on your face by saying your cat attacked you. She won't buy it, especially if she grew up in Echo Park o.0

And why was El Mizo such an angry bully? Well if TV after school specials have taught me anything, it's because he's upset that he doesn't know how to read.

*Don't forget to check out my book!  

No comments:

Post a Comment

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...