Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Across the Pond (from the other side)

The other day I was bored and decided to take the eurostar under the ocean to get to Londontown =p When the train emerged from the ground on the other side I got all excited at the view. "OMG!!! I can't believe it!! A hill!! I remember those!!" At this point I should probably explain that Europa is as flat as Nebraska.

So I get out and walk around and see another thing I haven’t seen in a while: fat people; my chunky brethren. At first I was a bit confused because I know that Londoners walk and ride bikes a lot, but then I saw a McDonalds that answered my question. Not because it’s a fast food chain with unhealthy food but because right across the street from it was another freaking McDonalds!!! And I realized that London is culturally halfway between Europa and U.S.A.: charming and historical but also with more focus on being convenient and commercial.

It's funny; I was thinking about traveling the world. I could go to China and meet Buddhist monks; I could go to India and meet all the telemarketers named "Steve" from AT&T; I could go to Russia and meet the ill tempered Ruskies, or I could just go to London cause all those fuckers are there too!! Seriously that place is jam packed with foreigners. Ironic how England used to invade nations around the globe conquering indigenous tribes with tanks and bazookas and now they complain that too many foreigners live in their country. Payback’s a bitch! Isn’t it your majesty!!!

So after noticing foreigners, fat people, and a hill, I was hungry and decided to get me some of that world famous English food. (Quick! On the count of three name your favorite English-food restaurant, 1, 2, 3, Go! ...............nothing?? Aww. And, no, burger King doesn't count!!) As much as I complain about Europa I must admit they have damn fine cuisine. You pretty much can’t go wrong with any restaurant you step into because it’s always quality food. That's not the case in Londontown, you definitely got to know what to look for.

Now another thing I learned about this place is that only the super rich can drive cars. It costs eight "pounds" a day just to drive there not to mention the cost of "petrol" and insurance and licensing (those last two costing about 3000 pounds a year). But though you pretty much can’t drive if your poor, they have an intricate public transportation system to make up for it. Kind of like if your older brother likes your jeans and steals them from you but gives you barrel with straps so at least you’re not naked. Such is the beauty of complex and underhanded redistribution of wealth.

 This is where horror movies start...

I walked down to the "underground" to take a subway to St Paul's cathedral and it’s freaky as hell!!! First of all it’s very claustrophobic; you have to walk down a deep stair case and through narrow halls to get there. And while I understand that the "tube" or subway itself is somewhat cylindrical in shape and thus travels through cylinder pathways, I am a human!! Why are the halls that I walk through cylindrical?? Walls are supposed to have corners dammit!!

Then when you sit there waiting for the tube it’s eerie. It’s as quiet as if the zombie apocalypse had taken place and people were all but eliminated. But what’s worse than sitting down there by yourself is sitting there with one other person. You are sure he's a psychopath. And he’s sure that you are one and it’s just a question of who will be first to kill the other in self defense. Fortunately the tube always seems to pull up in time before I have to kill the psychopath.

To be fair it was a really fun time. Sure I could tell you about the beautiful sights, pubs, and watching a live rugby game, but I’d rather just rant about minor inconveniences =p

Check out the pic below: they painted which direction to look at when crossing the streets since the rest of the world drives on the right, and since the rest of the world lives in London. I can imagine getting run over in the street. They would say:

"Oh man! The American got hit by a car."

"What happened? Did he forget he was in London and looked the wrong way before crossing the street?"

"No, he looked the right way. It’s just that another American was driving the car and forgot to drive on the left so the one crossing the street didn’t see him coming."

 Death by irony: is there any other way?

*Don't forget to check out my book! http://mobybrickbook.com  

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