The other day I was bored and decided to take the eurostar under the ocean
to get to Londontown =p When the train emerged from the ground on the other
side I got all excited at the view. "OMG!!! I can't believe it!! A hill!! I
remember those!!" At this point I should probably explain that Europa is
as flat as Nebraska.
So I get out and walk around and see another thing I haven’t seen in a
while: fat people; my chunky brethren. At first I was a bit confused because I know
that Londoners walk and ride bikes a lot, but then I saw a McDonalds that
answered my question. Not because it’s a fast food chain with unhealthy food
but because right across the street from it was another freaking McDonalds!!! And
I realized that London is culturally halfway between Europa and U.S.A.: charming and
historical but also with more focus on being convenient and
commercial.
It's funny; I was thinking about traveling the world. I could go to China
and meet Buddhist monks; I could go to India and meet all the telemarketers
named "Steve" from AT&T; I could go to Russia and meet the ill
tempered Ruskies, or I could just go to London cause all those fuckers are there
too!! Seriously that place is jam packed with foreigners. Ironic how England used to invade nations
around the globe conquering indigenous tribes with tanks and bazookas and now
they complain that too many foreigners live in their country. Payback’s a
bitch! Isn’t it your majesty!!!
So after noticing foreigners, fat people, and a hill, I was hungry and
decided to get me some of that world famous English food. (Quick! On the count
of three name your favorite English-food restaurant, 1, 2, 3, Go!
...............nothing?? Aww. And, no, burger King doesn't count!!) As
much as I complain about Europa I must admit they have damn fine cuisine. You
pretty much can’t go wrong with any restaurant you step into because it’s
always quality food. That's not the case in Londontown, you definitely got to know what to
look for.
Now another thing I learned about this place is that only the super rich can
drive cars. It costs eight "pounds" a day just to drive there not to
mention the cost of "petrol" and insurance and licensing (those last two costing about 3000 pounds a year). But though you pretty much can’t drive if your
poor, they have an intricate public transportation system to make up for it. Kind
of like if your older brother likes your jeans and steals them from you but
gives you barrel with straps so at least you’re not naked. Such is the beauty
of complex and underhanded redistribution of wealth.
This is where horror movies start...
I walked down to the "underground" to take a subway to St Paul's
cathedral and it’s freaky as hell!!! First of all it’s very claustrophobic; you
have to walk down a deep stair case and through narrow halls to get there. And
while I understand that the "tube" or subway itself is somewhat
cylindrical in shape and thus travels through cylinder pathways, I am a human!!
Why are the halls that I walk through cylindrical?? Walls are supposed
to have corners dammit!!
Then when you sit there waiting for the tube it’s eerie. It’s as quiet as if
the zombie apocalypse had taken place and people were all but eliminated. But what’s
worse than sitting down there by yourself is sitting there with one other
person. You are sure he's a psychopath. And he’s sure that you are one and it’s
just a question of who will be first to kill the other in self defense. Fortunately
the tube always seems to pull up in time before I have to kill the psychopath.
To be fair it was a really fun time. Sure I could tell you about the
beautiful sights, pubs, and watching a live rugby game, but I’d rather just
rant about minor inconveniences =p
Check out the pic below: they painted which direction to look at when
crossing the streets since the rest of the world drives on the right, and since
the rest of the world lives in London. I can imagine getting run over in the
street. They would say:
"Oh man! The American got hit by a car."
"What happened? Did he forget he
was in London and looked the wrong way before crossing the street?"
"No, he looked the right way. It’s just that another American
was driving the car and forgot to drive on the left so the one crossing the
street didn’t see him coming."
Death by irony: is there any other way?
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