Saturday, June 30, 2012

The "Hills" of Europa... Have Eyes!!

In an effort to get back in shape, I've been jogging in the vast Europan forest every other day. Their forests are like their people: boring and homogenous at first glance. Practically every tree is the same bland species of beach tree.

And beach trees all look the same big and straight with hardly no branches till the very top. But it's specifically because it's so boring that you are forced to appreciate the little things that take on meaning because of their subtle uniqueness.

 *Yawn* Hello?? Where are your geysers? Huge canyons? Waterfalls?      
Rocks shaped like presidents? Must America kick your ass at everything?? 
For example, I once saw a duck wondering amongst the trees. What's so special about a duck you ask? Nothing. There are tons of ducks out here, but you will never catch one alone, especially in the middle of the forest. Ducks don't mind people when they have power in numbers; but this one was lost or something and clearly out of his element. My presence made him very nervous as he waddled away in a hurry.

Another time I saw a squirrel con ganas. He was chillin in the middle of the path I was jogging on - and continued to chill there even when I ran past. It tripped me out since squirrels usually run away as soon as you get close. I stopped to look at him as he was unabashedly nibbling away at an acorn until I broke out the cell phone camera. Once I started recording him, he ran away! Little bugger was camera shy!

So anyways my Dutch cousin told me to watch out for escaped mental patients when I go jogging because he said there is an insane asylum near the area I go to. But I knew he's full of shit, because I've been down almost every pathway and never seen any buildings in the forest other than a handful of mini farms and small cottages.

However one day, when the sun was shining and I was finally able to throw on some shorts to go jogging, I ran down a new path where I saw what appeared to be a road that lead to nowhere. It tripped me out because I knew that going westbound on this road would eventually take you to the freeway, but eastbound wouldn't go anywhere. I had been east of that road; there are no roads on that side. Where the hell did this random street lead to?

 What is it with Europans and red and white stripes? Do they really think that will keep people back?
They didn't account on American ingenuity!!  ...of not being stopped by red and white stripes o.0

Naturally, curiosity got the better of me and I headed eastbound down this road to see where it went. It took forever as it ran endlessly into the forest. I was busy trying to think of where it might lead to but all the surrounding landscape I knew told me it must dead-end somewhere.

In my experience following abandoned roads in the forest has never lead to good things. So I figured I was due for some good luck =p 

After getting nowhere, I was about to quit and head back from where I came when suddenly, out of the wilderness emerged a huge brick building. Curiosity forced me to read the sign. It was the insane asylum! As always, the nerd turned out to be right. I need to learn to stop betting against them... with my life.   

I was quite bemused; maybe I'd get to see a guy who eats people tied up in a straight jacket or at least see some guy who thinks he's a dog. But as I got closer I noticed something kind of disturbing: the inmates were allowed to roam the grounds. They weren't restrained at all; they were free-range nuts! Damn Europans and their obsession with ecofriendly practices!!

I was leery, and kept a close eye on these wackos as they smoked cigarettes and babbled incoherently amongst themselves. Seems they formed some sort of babble language, but I don't know what it sounds like as I wasn't about to get close enough to actually hear it. I imagine they said something along the lines of "How did he get past the bar painted red and white? Maybe he's color blind."

They all watched me, as I watched them. They're probably not used to outsiders. Right about this time I had about enough of playing 'look at the crazies' and I decided I was going to bail once I was out of their sight. So I headed for the back of the building to escape unnoticed out the back way. But to my horror I realized that they had a fence all the way around the perimeter and the only way out was back through the entrance from which I came in. This was going to be awkward, borderline dangerous; but I could handle it. 

I got to the very back of the building said my standard, "this isn't where I parked my car!" and then U-turned to walk out of this creepy joint. But then, with the poor timing of a death-row pardon two minutes too late, a staff member in blue scrubs walked out of the asylum and headed straight for me. "Hey!" he yelled out.

"Dear God! He's going to feed me to the inmates!" I sprinted for the fence, and cleverly made use of the dumpster they had to hop over it. But now I found myself in the thick brush of untamed Europan wilderness. It didn't matter though. I ran through the tall brush and nettles, getting face-palmed by spiderwebs like a commando only without the training or athleticism. Nettles are no joke man. Sure the "needles" themselves are very small but they emit a poison that hurts like a motherfucker worse than slapping a cactus (also very painful; don't ask). What a day to wear shorts. At least they were cholo shorts so only my lower calves got poisoned up.

I ran like the wind jumping over logs and almost slipping in the mud a few times. But I had to put distance between me and them. Are the insane super fast runners, kind of how mentally challenged people have "retard strength"? I don't know. And I didn't want to find out. Finally I saw a familiar pathway through the trees. I knew it would eventually take me back to the lot where I parked my car. I had walked that pathway many a time. Little did I know that all those times I was only 300 yards from a nut house which was hidden by a vale of trees.

I busted through the brush onto the path with elation only to see an older couple who had gone for a stroll staring at me in bewilderment. "Play it cool, Brick," I thought to myself. "Wouldn't want these geezers to think you're an escaped mental patient and call the cops on your ass." I walked down the familiar path for the last time ever. It's not that I didn't like this pathway, it's just that now the crazies would know when I was around since they had smelled my blood with their heightened senses. After what felt like an eternity, I got back to my car and drove home. You'll never catch me alive you bastards!

I think we can all agree that an insane asylum is the last place Brick should be hanging around o.0

*Don't forget to check out my book!  

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