Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Pick Up Lines I Have Actually Used (and failed with!)

Warning: this post is NOT a "how to"

Email I sent my coworker:
"You're a cutie. If I was buffer and had more money I would totally ask you out, but I just bought some stocks and a gym membership so look out!"

While driving two miles per hour on the crowded strip in Hollywood we saw a hottie walking down the street. My boy Mac yelled out the window: "Hey lady! Go out with me or I'll set you on fire!" Yes, he actually said that.

Did somebody order a pizza ...extra cheeeeeeese? 
Super Bowl 2010 Party 04 by hectorir, on Flickr
Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic License  by  hectorir 

Another time we driving down the packed strip I saw a fine piece of, um, tail. I yelled out Mac's line "Aw yeah! Baby I'll pay your bills!"
She replied, "You can't afford my bills."
I looked her up and down and said, "You're right liposuction is expensive!"

On a packed night at the infamous Mel's Diner on Sunset, we were once chowing down after bar hopping. There was a fine drunk chick who was throwing her food at other booths. They were too busy to kick her out or even notice her I guess. I said, "Those onion rings look good, toss some over here!" Later on I bought a tootsie pop they sold at the register and brought it to her. "Wanna lick of my lolly?" Turns out she did but only in the most literal sense.

Once when I was in line at a Costco, a tall, black guy was hitting on the cashier: "Women like a man who's tall, dark, and handsome. Hey, two out of three ain't bad."

One time I saw a cute Hapa enter the restaurant I worked at. Meanwhile another chick at work dug me. She wrote her number on a post-it and gave it to me. I thought I'd copy her idea, so I wrote down my number on a post-it and stuck it in my pocket to give to the Hapa next time I saw her. You can guess which of the two post-it's I gave her. I don't know if the Hapa ever called the other chick but if she did it must of been a funny conversation. They probably thought I was trying to punk them both.

While wolfing down burgers at a Tommy's with Mac late one night, we saw a beautiful girl and some dude she was with sit down at a booth. She was too pretty not to say anything, so I walked up to the two of them. Never one to split up a happy couple I first asked, "Are you two together?"
She said, "No."
I replied, "Then can I get your number?"
She said she wasn't looking for a boyfriend at the moment. Later when Mac and I were chilling outside, she drove by, rolled down her window and said, "Thank you for hitting on me, that was my ex. You made my night."
I replied, "So how about you make mine?"

However of all techniques I've tried and seen tried, I like my boy P Nutty's technique the best. He looks a girl straight in the eyes, rubs his thumb against his other fingers, and asks, "How much!?"

*Don't forget to check out my book!


  1. Haha these pick-up lines are hilarious! I wonder what happened to the Hapa...did you ever ask your co-worker if she got a strange phone call?

    1. haha no. What about you Wacky Jacky, what crazy lines have you used?


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