Thursday, August 30, 2018

Thoughts and Prayers are Stupid! Give up Your Rears



Hello chumps and chumpettes,

Brick Cruz here, doin' some 'vestigatin!'


Brick Man! Investigative reporter extraordinaire!


Yesterday, I met with Professor Kumquat from some Ivy league school. I forget which one exactly, but the important thing is that he's recently made controversial statements about the uselessness of prayer, specifically pertaining to mass shootings.


BRICK
Thank you for meeting with me, Professor. I have to ask, is Kumquat your real name?

KUMQUAT
No, it's my Indian name.

BRICK
Oh, what's your heritage?

KUMQUAT
Irish/German.

BRICK
You should run for Senate.

KUMQUAT
I don't get it?


You're not the only one.


BRICK
"Kumquat" is kind of long. Mind if I call you Kum?

KUMQUAT
I do mind, actually. "Kum" is a toxic masculine subconscious normative.

BRICK
Fine, I'll just call you Quat - rhymes with twat.

KUM
Ooh, that I like!

BRICK
No surprise there. So, Quat, what are you a professor of exactly?

KUM
Culturally appropriated micro-aggression studies with a focus on gender fluidity.

BRICK
This should be fun. Now, you came under fire last week for some statements you made about prayer. You said:

"Praying is useless and retarded. Especially when it comes to mass shootings. We need real solutions."

As a Christian, I have to disagree with that.

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