Saturday, October 27, 2012

See What Had Happened Was... (picture story)

This post is an ode to poor decisions I have made in my life....

Never should of taken the victory jump on the trampoline at the Scottish games - we wear those kilts commando style.

Freeeeeeeeedom!!!!! ..indeed

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Liebster Award

I have some good news: my blog has been nominated for TWO awards by Marienne. One is called the Liebster Award the other the Laine Blogger Award. Why was my blog nominated you ask? I think it's because "They're All Against Me!" oozes class and sophistication despite having been told repeatedly by the person nominating me that it was done as a joke.

When you live in a fantasy world, you don't even need to wait till Halloween to wear a costume! 
by edenpictures

Monday, October 15, 2012

Crip Walking through the Valley of a Shadow of Death

I'm down for mine when attacked or when a friend is attacked. Other than that though, I'm actually a very chill person. But while I might not be a badass, I have known a few in my day. And even if I don't always agree with how they live life or how they set their priorities, you got to respect their sheer badassness. Here are a few of their tales...

Uncle Ricky

Uncle Ricky was a bad dude. He grew up in East L.A. with his brothers (including my old man Uncle Tats) back in the 50's and 60's where he was involved with the inception of a certain very powerful and notorious Mexican street gang. One day a "friend" of his asked him to come along on a run to pick up some drugs. Ricky agreed to go, but what he didn't know was that he was being set up for a hit.

When they rolled up to the house where the supposed deal was going to take place, his friend said, "Stay in the car; I'll be right back." So he sat in the passenger seat reading a newspaper, when he suddenly noticed someone walking up to the car from the sideview mirror. He got a sense something was up so he pulled out his .45 and hid it under the newspaper.

The cat walked up to his window and reached for his gat, but Ricky was one step ahead and blasted the fool, killing him instantaneously. Such is the power of a .45 shot at point blank range. However, sometimes the solution to one problem opens a can of worms to a whole host of other problems, and that was the case with Ricky's act of self defense.

After having killed his would be killer, Ricky found himself in a hailstorm of bullets coming from multiple angles. Shots were being fired from a number of vehicles that were parked on the opposite side of the street. Rickey had no idea what was going on, but there was no time to think about that. He took cover behind the hood of the car he had been sitting in and returned fire with his .45.

It turns out that undercover cops happened to be staking out another house on the block for something unrelated to Ricky and his dealings. A lively neighborhood wouldn't you say? When the cops heard a gun shot they went into fight-or-flight and started firing in the direction that the initial shot came from.

Fortunately, no one was injured, and once they identified themselves as police officers, Ricky stopped shooting and they arrested him. While it could be said that the day you survive a hit, is a good day; he was now being charged with attempted murder of police officers and murder of the hitman he just killed.

However, he managed to get off on both charges since the guy he killed was in self defense, and his lawyer made the point that the cops who he shot at were in plain clothes and did not identify themselves as officers until later. Once they did, he ceased fire and complied with them. What a lucky SOB; to think, I can't even get out of a speeding ticket.

"But officer, I'm telling you! I have friends in low places!"                                     

Thursday, October 11, 2012


There was once three cities lined up in a row. To the west was Pamperocity, to the east was Brokenopolis, and in the middle was Balanciudad. Then there was a Great War Machine which was to the east of all three. All day long, the Great War Machine would fire rockets at these three cities in an attempt to destroy them.

Because Pamperocity was so far away from the Great War Machine, it was only ever hit once in a great while. Thus it became a very pretty city with many beautiful albeit unsturdy designs. However it could not handle Missiles very well. Whenever it got hit by a stray rocket it would devastate the city because as pretty as it was, it was also weak from lack of having to rebuild structures strong enough to withstand attack.

Brokenopolis was not as lucky as Pamperocity. It was leveled to a pulp on a regular basis due to it's proximity to the Great War Machine. Missile after missile would strike it's buildings before they were even fully rebuilt. Therefore Brokenopolis was also weak because it was hit too frequently and never had a chance to rebuild itself stronger much as it tried.

Balanciudad had a different scenario going on. Like Brokenopolis, it was also hit on a regular basis. Missiles would strike down it's many efficiently built structures, but because it was further away from from the Great War Machine it always had time to rebuild stronger in between raids. Missile strikes were on it's mind and it was able to test out what worked and what didn't. Balancidad grew stronger and stronger, the more missiles it had to deal with.

Lacation, location, location
Gibraltar Explosion by Josh13770, on Flickr
Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic License  by  Josh13770 

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Miscomunication 101

A few months ago after I finished mowing my client's lawn, she gave me her daughter's phone number saying she also needed yard work done. So I called up her daughter and arranged to meet up. She spoke her some American, and I spoke me some Europan, but we still had a hard time communicating...

Hi I'm Miss Dee.

Nice to meet you; I'm Brick.


You know Brick, as in an impromptu weapon or a measurement of cocaine...

Still not getting it.

*Sigh* all in all you're just another...

Oh, Brique!

No not Breek, Brick.

Uh huh. So where you from Brick?



Uh, I mean "Los Angeles"

Oh Amerique!

Right, something like that.

You guys invented blues!

We invented booze? Cool, I didn't know that.

No not booze! Blues.


You know the music style created in the U.S.A.

You must mean rap.


No not crap, rap.

I meant what I said.

And that is the story of how I met the Europan lady who taught me about the blues, and who I taught about rap. We are currently collaborating on a song that mixes blues and rap to be on Youtube shortly for viral humiliation purposes. I suggested we call ourselves the Sacré Blues. She said keep suggesting.

I could wear a beret, and eat a baguette while I rock the set!

*Don't forget to check out my book! 

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Kick in the Health Nuts

Fuck the FDA! For real nutrition tips listen to DA Brick!!

*Don't forget to check out my book! 

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Eat Healthy or Die!

I used to be a fat man. Then I took a nutrition class that scared me straight.  I occasionally fall off track but usually remain thin. One thing the weight-loss commercials don't tell you is that after you make the transformation, you're friends are still going to be the same.

Yes, they will remain the same dick heads they were when you were fat. As much shit as they gave you for being chunky, they will give you more shit when you try to stay healthy.

More Like Puta Del Rio

I still remember the first time I had friends over in my room when I lived at my uncle Tats' house. Nacho thought it was cool that I had a mini fridge in my room, until he actually opened it. It was full of nothing but cans of spinach one of which was open and had a fork stuck in it.

Those were not the kind of cans he was hoping for. I'm not even exaggerating, that actually happened. The crew nicknamed me Popeye, and J Lo has never stopped giving me shit. She's so mean ='(

However before I started giving a fuck about my health, my homie Mac and I used to roll out to Boca Del Rio in La Puente for some late night tacos. That's where I met my wife, Lupe. She was a pretty little taco girl who worked at Boca who had a beautiful smile and was full of life.

One of the first things she ever said to me was that I was muy guapo (very handsome), so I asked her to marry me on the spot. Soon she would be making me babies and tortillas.

OK we never officially tied the knot, but that's just a technicality. They say I fall in love too fast; but if chicks don't want me falling in love with them, they should stop having pretty faces!!

Anyways now that I ate healthy, I could no longer partake in the awesomeness that is eating street tacos. But I still wanted to go out with the homies, and plus I had to see my wife. Marriage comes with obligations too, you know.

So one night when Mac hit me up to go to Boca, to his surprise I agreed to go. Once there I broke the news to Lupe that I was into healthy eating and was no longer going to be gorging myself on Boca's generously sized tacos.

Why do you mock me oh wifey??

Playmobil Olympics

The important thing is we survived o.0

*Don't forget to check out my book! 
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