Eat Healthy or Die!

I used to be a fat man. Then I took a nutrition class that scared me straight.  I occasionally fall off track but usually remain thin. One thing the weight-loss commercials don't tell you is that after you make the transformation, you're friends are still going to be the same.

Yes, they will remain the same dick heads they were when you were fat. As much shit as they gave you for being chunky, they will give you more shit when you try to stay healthy.

More Like Puta Del Rio

I still remember the first time I had friends over in my room when I lived at my uncle Tats' house. Nacho thought it was cool that I had a mini fridge in my room, until he actually opened it. It was full of nothing but cans of spinach one of which was open and had a fork stuck in it.

Those were not the kind of cans he was hoping for. I'm not even exaggerating, that actually happened. The crew nicknamed me Popeye, and J Lo has never stopped giving me shit. She's so mean ='(

However before I started giving a fuck about my health, my homie Mac and I used to roll out to Boca Del Rio in La Puente for some late night tacos. That's where I met my wife, Lupe. She was a pretty little taco girl who worked at Boca who had a beautiful smile and was full of life.

One of the first things she ever said to me was that I was muy guapo (very handsome), so I asked her to marry me on the spot. Soon she would be making me babies and tortillas.

OK we never officially tied the knot, but that's just a technicality. They say I fall in love too fast; but if chicks don't want me falling in love with them, they should stop having pretty faces!!

Anyways now that I ate healthy, I could no longer partake in the awesomeness that is eating street tacos. But I still wanted to go out with the homies, and plus I had to see my wife. Marriage comes with obligations too, you know.

So one night when Mac hit me up to go to Boca, to his surprise I agreed to go. Once there I broke the news to Lupe that I was into healthy eating and was no longer going to be gorging myself on Boca's generously sized tacos.

Why do you mock me oh wifey??

  by  Rob Boudon 

Mac was not please as he thought I was going to the taco stand with him to actually eat tacos. I don't get him sometimes.

MAC
What the fuck Brick? So what you're just gonna watch me eat?

BRICK
I said I'm eating healthy, not that I've stop eating altogether.


I then reached into my pocket and pulled out a can of spinach. I saw a look of disbelief in Mac's face as I reached into my other pocket to pull out a can opener and fork.

Lupe started laughing big belly laughs. She said, "Oh my gosh, Brick!! That's so cute!!" I hate it when chicks say that everything is cute. So the next day I filed for divorce.

Never leave home without it.

Banana-O- Rama

One day my boys Pun and Craig hit me up to go to Baskin Robins for some ice cream. I was still on my health kick but didn't want to miss out on chilling so I said yes. Once we got there I stood silently for a minute or two while studying the menu.

PUN
What you gonna get Brick?

BRICK
It doesn't look like they have anything healthy.

PUN
Just get a smoothy.

BRICK
Oh right! Cause when they mix corn syrup with ice and fruit-flavored chemicals that makes it healthy. Dumbass.

PUN
Well hurry up man, Craig and I already ordered.

BRICK
Meh you know what, I don't think I'm gonna get anything.

PUN
You mother fucker! You did not just come with us to the ice cream shop to not order anything. Get your ass over to the cash register!

BRICK
Alright fine! It it's that important to you.

*I walked over to the cashier chick*

BRICK
Can I get a banana?

CASHIER CHICK
OK, one banana split...

BRICK
No, no. Not a banana split, just one banana.

CC
Huh?

BRICK
I would like to buy one of your bananas please.

*The poor girl turned her confused face in the direction of her manager.*

CC
Can we do that?

MANGER
Yes, just charge him a dollar.

BRICK
A dollar?? What's with the insane markup??

MANAGER
This ain't a grocery store.

BRICK
Whatever! Next time I'm taking my dollar elsewhere!

I take my bananas straight to the vain. I'm hardcore like that.

So I sat down with my friends to see Pun looking at me with a rage the intensity of 1,000 burning suns.

PUN
What the fuck Brick!!??

BRICK
What?

PUN
You seriously just ordered a banana at an ice cream store?? That's not normal! The chick didn't even know how to do it!! We can't take you anywhere!

BRICK
Why does everyone keep telling me that?




So is eating healthy worth all the shit I get from the homies?? Um, yeah I think so...

BEFORE....                                                                                          

AFTER...

*Don't forget to check out my book! http://mobybrickbook.com