Saturday, December 8, 2012

Return of the Brick (Part 2)

So there I was at the airport all set to head back to Cali. As previously mentioned, the TSA agent decided to allow me to leave Europa for the U.S.A. despite the fact that my passport was well past its expiration date. I took one last look at Europa, boarded my plane, and ignored the safety show they put on before take off. Sorry, but the stewardesses just weren't cute enough.

Life saver, right here.
KLM stewardess by Fabird Blue, on Flickr

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Return of the Brick (Part 1)

About a month ago I was reading a Europan newspaper, and when I checked the stocks I proclaimed, "This is no good! I must return to the U.S.A!" I don't own any stocks or anything, I just base my decisions off their pretty little charts.

This one is a good sign. It means I'll be cruzing downhill...
Industrials Drop 680 After Late Collapse by YoTuT, on Flickr

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Ode to Europa

This is what Europe had to offer...

This is what America has to offer...

Yup, I made the right choice in coming back!!!

* Song generously contributed by The Redondants

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Near Traumatized

On a popping night, Nacho, Chi-Chi, and I went out to Kelly's Bar a Karaoke joint in Pomona. I love Kelly's because there are usually many beautiful Latinas walking around, or even better, busting a move on the dance floor.

Now when it comes to how chicks see me, I believe I am about average. That's an OK place to be I guess, but certainly not ideal. You see I have player friends that get all the hot chicks; then I have bum friends who girls simply won't hit on.

Since I'm inbetween the two, I get hit on by all the average to ugly chicks because they know they're not going to get anywhere with the players; and they don't want to hit on the bums because they think that's aiming too low.

But I guess I really can't complain. For a guy who makes no effort to go up and talk to girls, I get a decent amount of play. And I do occasionally get hit on by some fine chicks for no apparent reason.

Like that stupid fountain at the mall people keep throwing change in. You're not getting any candy out of it buddy, believe me!!

Saturday, October 27, 2012

See What Had Happened Was... (picture story)

This post is an ode to poor decisions I have made in my life....

Never should of taken the victory jump on the trampoline at the Scottish games - we wear those kilts commando style.

Freeeeeeeeedom!!!!! ..indeed

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Liebster Award

I have some good news: my blog has been nominated for TWO awards by Marienne. One is called the Liebster Award the other the Laine Blogger Award. Why was my blog nominated you ask? I think it's because "They're All Against Me!" oozes class and sophistication despite having been told repeatedly by the person nominating me that it was done as a joke.

When you live in a fantasy world, you don't even need to wait till Halloween to wear a costume! 
by edenpictures

Monday, October 15, 2012

Crip Walking through the Valley of a Shadow of Death

I'm down for mine when attacked or when a friend is attacked. Other than that though, I'm actually a very chill person. But while I might not be a badass, I have known a few in my day. And even if I don't always agree with how they live life or how they set their priorities, you got to respect their sheer badassness. Here are a few of their tales...

Uncle Ricky

Uncle Ricky was a bad dude. He grew up in East L.A. with his brothers (including my old man Uncle Tats) back in the 50's and 60's where he was involved with the inception of a certain very powerful and notorious Mexican street gang. One day a "friend" of his asked him to come along on a run to pick up some drugs. Ricky agreed to go, but what he didn't know was that he was being set up for a hit.

When they rolled up to the house where the supposed deal was going to take place, his friend said, "Stay in the car; I'll be right back." So he sat in the passenger seat reading a newspaper, when he suddenly noticed someone walking up to the car from the sideview mirror. He got a sense something was up so he pulled out his .45 and hid it under the newspaper.

The cat walked up to his window and reached for his gat, but Ricky was one step ahead and blasted the fool, killing him instantaneously. Such is the power of a .45 shot at point blank range. However, sometimes the solution to one problem opens a can of worms to a whole host of other problems, and that was the case with Ricky's act of self defense.

After having killed his would be killer, Ricky found himself in a hailstorm of bullets coming from multiple angles. Shots were being fired from a number of vehicles that were parked on the opposite side of the street. Rickey had no idea what was going on, but there was no time to think about that. He took cover behind the hood of the car he had been sitting in and returned fire with his .45.

It turns out that undercover cops happened to be staking out another house on the block for something unrelated to Ricky and his dealings. A lively neighborhood wouldn't you say? When the cops heard a gun shot they went into fight-or-flight and started firing in the direction that the initial shot came from.

Fortunately, no one was injured, and once they identified themselves as police officers, Ricky stopped shooting and they arrested him. While it could be said that the day you survive a hit, is a good day; he was now being charged with attempted murder of police officers and murder of the hitman he just killed.

However, he managed to get off on both charges since the guy he killed was in self defense, and his lawyer made the point that the cops who he shot at were in plain clothes and did not identify themselves as officers until later. Once they did, he ceased fire and complied with them. What a lucky SOB; to think, I can't even get out of a speeding ticket.

"But officer, I'm telling you! I have friends in low places!"                                     

Thursday, October 11, 2012


There was once three cities lined up in a row. To the west was Pamperocity, to the east was Brokenopolis, and in the middle was Balanciudad. Then there was a Great War Machine which was to the east of all three. All day long, the Great War Machine would fire rockets at these three cities in an attempt to destroy them.

Because Pamperocity was so far away from the Great War Machine, it was only ever hit once in a great while. Thus it became a very pretty city with many beautiful albeit unsturdy designs. However it could not handle Missiles very well. Whenever it got hit by a stray rocket it would devastate the city because as pretty as it was, it was also weak from lack of having to rebuild structures strong enough to withstand attack.

Brokenopolis was not as lucky as Pamperocity. It was leveled to a pulp on a regular basis due to it's proximity to the Great War Machine. Missile after missile would strike it's buildings before they were even fully rebuilt. Therefore Brokenopolis was also weak because it was hit too frequently and never had a chance to rebuild itself stronger much as it tried.

Balanciudad had a different scenario going on. Like Brokenopolis, it was also hit on a regular basis. Missiles would strike down it's many efficiently built structures, but because it was further away from from the Great War Machine it always had time to rebuild stronger in between raids. Missile strikes were on it's mind and it was able to test out what worked and what didn't. Balancidad grew stronger and stronger, the more missiles it had to deal with.

Lacation, location, location
Gibraltar Explosion by Josh13770, on Flickr
Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic License  by  Josh13770 

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Miscomunication 101

A few months ago after I finished mowing my client's lawn, she gave me her daughter's phone number saying she also needed yard work done. So I called up her daughter and arranged to meet up. She spoke her some American, and I spoke me some Europan, but we still had a hard time communicating...

Hi I'm Miss Dee.

Nice to meet you; I'm Brick.


You know Brick, as in an impromptu weapon or a measurement of cocaine...

Still not getting it.

*Sigh* all in all you're just another...

Oh, Brique!

No not Breek, Brick.

Uh huh. So where you from Brick?



Uh, I mean "Los Angeles"

Oh Amerique!

Right, something like that.

You guys invented blues!

We invented booze? Cool, I didn't know that.

No not booze! Blues.


You know the music style created in the U.S.A.

You must mean rap.


No not crap, rap.

I meant what I said.

And that is the story of how I met the Europan lady who taught me about the blues, and who I taught about rap. We are currently collaborating on a song that mixes blues and rap to be on Youtube shortly for viral humiliation purposes. I suggested we call ourselves the Sacré Blues. She said keep suggesting.

I could wear a beret, and eat a baguette while I rock the set!

*Don't forget to check out my book! 

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Kick in the Health Nuts

Fuck the FDA! For real nutrition tips listen to DA Brick!!

*Don't forget to check out my book! 

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Eat Healthy or Die!

I used to be a fat man. Then I took a nutrition class that scared me straight.  I occasionally fall off track but usually remain thin. One thing the weight-loss commercials don't tell you is that after you make the transformation, you're friends are still going to be the same.

Yes, they will remain the same dick heads they were when you were fat. As much shit as they gave you for being chunky, they will give you more shit when you try to stay healthy.

More Like Puta Del Rio

I still remember the first time I had friends over in my room when I lived at my uncle Tats' house. Nacho thought it was cool that I had a mini fridge in my room, until he actually opened it. It was full of nothing but cans of spinach one of which was open and had a fork stuck in it.

Those were not the kind of cans he was hoping for. I'm not even exaggerating, that actually happened. The crew nicknamed me Popeye, and J Lo has never stopped giving me shit. She's so mean ='(

However before I started giving a fuck about my health, my homie Mac and I used to roll out to Boca Del Rio in La Puente for some late night tacos. That's where I met my wife, Lupe. She was a pretty little taco girl who worked at Boca who had a beautiful smile and was full of life.

One of the first things she ever said to me was that I was muy guapo (very handsome), so I asked her to marry me on the spot. Soon she would be making me babies and tortillas.

OK we never officially tied the knot, but that's just a technicality. They say I fall in love too fast; but if chicks don't want me falling in love with them, they should stop having pretty faces!!

Anyways now that I ate healthy, I could no longer partake in the awesomeness that is eating street tacos. But I still wanted to go out with the homies, and plus I had to see my wife. Marriage comes with obligations too, you know.

So one night when Mac hit me up to go to Boca, to his surprise I agreed to go. Once there I broke the news to Lupe that I was into healthy eating and was no longer going to be gorging myself on Boca's generously sized tacos.

Why do you mock me oh wifey??

Playmobil Olympics

The important thing is we survived o.0

*Don't forget to check out my book! 

Saturday, September 29, 2012


Take my survey and find out!!

Look down at your waist right now. Do you see a gut? OK we identified the problem; now we need to identify the source. Chances are you're either a pig or an alcoholic; let's find out! For each question select either option D or option F:

F) You tell time by counting backwards from meals. For example 5:30 PM is "an hour and a half till dinner."
D) You don't own a clock because you don't have a job or a house to put it in.

D) You've gotten a DUI riding your bike.
F) You are incapable of riding a bike.

F) The entire staff at mcDonalds knows your name - at all mcDonalds within a 20 mile radius.
D) You've been banned from all liquor stores within the entire county.

F) You tend to be out of breath.
D) You tend to hallucinate.

F) You once ate your own hand.
D) You lost your hand but have no idea how. Probably hanging out with some fat guy.

F) People find you unattractive.
D) You even find the people who select option F attractive.

F) You've had entire conversations about fried food.
D) You've had entire conversations with a wall.

F) Someone called you fat and a crisco tear ran down your cheek.
D) The doctor told you you have a vitamin deficiency because you don't eat enough so you told him they should make vitamin enriched beer. Then you assulted him because he was trying to be all smart with you.

D) You see double.
F) You're blind. (It's the diabetes!)

D) You used to throw up a lot but you've built up your tolerance.
F) You used to throw up a lot but you've built up your tolerance.

Now find someone who knows how to count and tally up your score!

Five or more F's = you're a pig!

Five or more D's = you're a drunken pig!

I'm only being hard on you because I've been there before. You don't even want to see the drunk pictures!

*Don't forget to check out my book!

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Worth the Cure?

I have a friend who I call J Lo. I  don't call her that because she's Latina; it actually stands for Jr Loan Officer which was her profession at the time of me dubbing her with that name. Anyway, she invited me to a house party in Orange County one night, so I was like, "Cool, I'm always down for a little debauchery."

However once I got there, I realized this "house party" was in fact a MonaVie party. For those of you that don't know, MonaVie is basically a network marketing company that sells bottles of fruit juice for $30. I would have left, but this was her fiancee's family's event and I didn't want to be rude.

Um, how long is this gonna last?

Well first we're going  watch a video; then we'll have a presentation; then we'll talk about different packages we sell.

Sit down, Brick! Just accept the fact that you're not going to be doing anything else tonight.

She got me good. But what could I do? I already told her I was free and now there I was, trapped in her web of cunningness. So I sat down surrounded by nice, white people with well adjusted minds and successful career paths. I don't know how I come off in this blog, but I can tell you that Brick does not belong around nice, decent people.

It was time to use a little cunningness of my own. So I broke out the cell to text a friend and tell them to call me in fifteen minutes. You want to give yourself at least a ten minute window when texting someone to call you to give the people you are with time to forget that you were just texting someone.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Sunday, September 23, 2012

I'm Addicted to Flake-ahol

My friends complain I'm too much of a flake. I really don't see the problem - flakes aren't good for the main course, but they make up the vast majority of breakfast cereals. And what would be life without breakfast cereals?

We might as well be living in a 3rd world country. (My apologies to my readers from 3rd world countries, I didn't mean to remind you of your plight.) Still, my flakiness got to be too much of a problem, so they sent me to take these classes...

Brick is chalk full of brany goodness! ...blueberries sold separately

Friday, September 21, 2012

A Brique in Paris

So I just did a random road trip to Paris. OK now I get why people like Europa...

"Where's that Eiffel thing I've heard so much about?"

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Moby Brick Trailer

Yeah life was rough, but it makes for a good montage...

You can check out my book here:

Saturday, September 15, 2012

A Tale of Two Bars (East vs West)

Once upon a time, there were two bars on opposite sides of the country. Though located in different cities, they were kindred spirits...

Dawg House, L.A.

One night - wait 5:00 PM counts as night right? Anyways I got a call from Nacho Borracho, "Dude where you at!?"
"Oh you know, a little place I like to call WORK!"
"Well I don't know too much about that. All I know is me, Cuervo, Sal, and Jorge are at the Dawg House, and you need to get your ass down here."
I thought long, and hard and finally responded, "OK."

So I quickly wrapped up my "making responsible choices outside of work" speech to my sales crew, and headed to L.A. to meet up with the boys at the Dawg House. As I walked towards the bar from the parking lot, I saw a gangster looking cat leaning up against the wall of the bar staring me right in the eyes. "I just know this fool's gonna say something," I thought to myself, and I was right.
"Can I see your I.D. sir?" He was the fucking bouncer!!

Once I stepped inside I couldn't see shit. One thing you gotta understand is that the Dawg House isn't just a dive bar, it created dive bar. They straight up didn't give a shit. The floor was concrete, and they didn't even bother to paint it, like "You want a floor? Fuck you! Here's a slab of concrete that's all you get son!"

The only windows they had were painted over ensuring not a drop of natural light would slip in and bother their customers. The floor was like, "Oh the window gets paint!? I see how it is!" Also they had two pool tables but only one had a complete set of pool balls. So if someone else grabbed the full set before you, you would have to wait until they sunk a ball then ask if you could borrow it. So yeah; the motif they went for was definitely "dive."

"You guys think this is what hell's going to be like?"

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Pick Up Lines I Have Actually Used (and failed with!)

Warning: this post is NOT a "how to"

Email I sent my coworker:
"You're a cutie. If I was buffer and had more money I would totally ask you out, but I just bought some stocks and a gym membership so look out!"

While driving two miles per hour on the crowded strip in Hollywood we saw a hottie walking down the street. My boy Mac yelled out the window: "Hey lady! Go out with me or I'll set you on fire!" Yes, he actually said that.

Did somebody order a pizza ...extra cheeeeeeese? 
Super Bowl 2010 Party 04 by hectorir, on Flickr
Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic License  by  hectorir 

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Attack of the 5 Foot 10 Inch Human

A few nights ago, I had to take a piss at 4:00 AM. I got out of bed, turned on the light, and headed for the can when I saw a huge spider posted up on the wall behind my desk. I'm talking a bigass, gargantuan mother fucker. Well my desk has one of those shelf headboard things on it, and my crap spread all over any surfaces so to climb on top of it to hit the spider without breaking anything would've been an impossible task.

Fortunately I live in the basement of a house full of rich people, and I'm right next to the laundry room where they keep all the chemicals. I searched and searched for some Raid, but all I could find spray-wise was a bottle of Febreze. Fucking rich people man; they never have any practical shit. Those of us who grew up poor know what the essentials are: duct tape, paper towels, some kind of mulit-tool thing, a bottle opener key chain and Raid. But the more money someone has the less practical shit they own.

You'll be at a rich guys pad...

"I need a screwdriver."

"We don't have any screwdrivers."

"Then how do you guys screw in screws!?"

"We don't screw in screws."

"OK... well I saw a screwdriver in a dude's car on the way over here. Gimme your slim jim."

"We don't have any slim jims."

"So how do you jack people's cars?"

"We don't jack people's cars.


"Get out of my house."

"Why Brick, you speak such good English for a poor person!"

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

A Birthday Boy Named Susu

As you now know since I'm now telling you, I wrote an autobiography called Moby Brick. It's not out yet, but should be available in the next three months or so. In the meantime here's a clip about a business birthday dinner gone awry:

I have always had a little problem with alcohol - no, not your typical addiction problem, but rather an instant anger management problem. I.e. I get really pissed off and start fighting despite my naturally calm demeanor. It catches people off guard, and has gotten pretty bad in the past including the time I unintentionally bombed on my own cousin in a fit of drunken rage.

When I was younger, it was a sure thing: if I got drunk, I was going to get pissed and possibly fight. However, as I got older it only happened half the time; the other half I would actually get really happy and sometimes ended up singing and dancing. That was usually when I was around friends and felt comfortable in the environment I was in, but it could always go either way. Therefore every time I drank, had to take it slowly to see which direction my emotions were headed. 

So anyway, one day it was my Japanese boss Susu’s (short for Susumu) birthday and Boss R, Jennifer, a few top producing agents, and all the managers including myself went to a Japanese restaurant to celebrate. Before our food arrived, I was downing beers like an Irishman not realizing that Japanese beers have a high alcohol content. Then all the sudden, a panic hit me as I could feel myself lose control to the inner rage that was about to introduce itself to my bosses and coworkers. 

“No! Not now!” I thought to myself as I quickly reached for my water to reverse the effects of the brews, but it was too late. I stood up and yelled out, “I’m getting pissed off! #&%* this #@^!!!” Then I picked up my chair and slammed it on the ground. If you ever want to make a scene, I recommend doing it at a Japanese restaurant. If it’s anything like the spot we were at, it’ll be filled with really quiet Asians so that your actions won’t be drowned out by loud chatter and you’ll have everyone’s full attention. After rearranging the furniture with passion, I stormed out to walk it off outside. One of my sales agents followed me into the parking lot where I knocked the pack of cigarettes he was offering me out of his hand. But I then finally managed to calm down.

     Why would such a quite people invent such a noisy contraption?
The next day, Susu called me up, “Dude, what happened last night?”

“Well I was sitting in that Japanese restaurant surrounded by Charlie, and I started having flash backs of ‘Nam,” I joked.

“That statement is offensive on so many levels I don’t even know where to begin,” he replied. 

Later on, I met the mother of one of the agents named Johnny Boy who was present that night. One of the first questions she asked me was, “Did you really throw a chair in front of your boss?”

When we were by ourselves I yelled at Johnny Boy, “I can’t believe you told your mom about the chair throwing incident!”

He yelled back, “I can’t believe she told you that I told her!”
Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic Licensesrqpix  by 

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Europa Jr: Blonder, Whiter

The other day a homie and I did an international road trip and crossed the boarder from Europa into Europa Jr. The sea was angry that day my friends. Not that we were anywhere near the sea, but I like to check the sea mood reports online.

"The real question is what did we do to make the sea so angry at us"

Obama in Terre Haute by BeckyF, on Flickr
Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic License  by  BeckyF 

Friday, August 24, 2012

Text Wars!

What's not to love about texting? They say it's a chick thing, but as usual they're wrong. Texting is cool because you respond when you feel like it; you can give short witty replies; and you avoid having in-depth, detailed, and boring conversations. All wit, no drama. Anyways here are some of me and my homies' best text wars...


Wuddup bro

Dude what's up? It's been a while.

I know; I miss you like honey baked ham.

You calling me fat?

No, but I will now: I miss you, you fat bastard!

*sniff* I got something in my eye ='(

It's probably a piece of residual fat.

It's called an apostrophe you dumbass!

Those are dangerous; one minute your writing a conjunction, next minute, Bam! You're assaulted by an apostrophe!

They're all against me.

Look out! Here comes a whole gang of them '''''''''''''''''''''''

*high pitched scream* I gotta smash my phone!

It's the only way.

So what you been up to since last time we talked?

Tied the knot with Karen.

Really? You guys got a pad?

Naw living in her mom's basement for now.

Well, I'll get you guys a chandelier for your basement as a wedding gift...

 "You have a twat face"  your move now, Dingbat Man! And to think, they kicked me out of debate school.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Europa's Flagrant False Advertising

As an American living in Europa, I have noticed a few cultural differences between us and them. For example due to their hatred of frivolous lawsuits, Europa is full of lies!!! Here, let me show you what I'm talking about...

I'm all for fuel economy but... seriously?

Monday, August 6, 2012

I Have a Dream: Cocaine and a Golf Cart

I'm somebody who has very vivid, involved dreams. I've had so many crazy dreams I can't remember them all including the time I dreamt I was let loose to cause all sorts of damage in a giant mansion made of marble only to get chased around by Herman Munster, or the time I dreamt I insulted the head of the Chinese mafia and spent my whole dream running away from their assassins.

"No freeeeeeeedddoooooom!!" That's their anti-Braveheart victory yell. Yeah you don't want to mess with a people who are that excited about government subjugation.

Karate by blmurch, on Flickr
Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic License  by  blmurch 

Thursday, July 26, 2012

I Know What You Smoked Last Summer (cuz I smoked it with you!)

So this last week was kind of hectic for me. My boy recently decided to move to Canada. (Side note he doesn't have a nickname yet, Europans don't really do that. But let's call him Leroy). Leroy had to move within two weeks or his visa would expire.

Personally I don't know why people get so worried about visas all the time. I never got one and have never had any problems with all my travels. After all, they haven't kicked me out of Europa yet. Anyway I used to go out drinking with Leroy once or twice a week. But since he was leaving in such a short time, we went out five nights in a row.

Oh yeah, he's totally a Leroy
europe beer drunk bar

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Vegas, Where Fairy Tales DO Come True

  Once upon a time in a land far, far away...
vegas hotel strip gambling casino

There Lived a delinquent prince named Brick

               Brick lived in a castle 

He had lots of gold and silver

He partied on top of a tower        

Until the Wicked Bouncer of
the Westside threw him out

   I guess fairy tales really do come true

 The End.

*Don't forget to check out my book!  

Friday, July 20, 2012

Safety Last

When my dad kicked me out, I stayed at my friend's parents' house for a bit. They had me do some chores outside, and I get the feeling my safety was not their primary concern. And yes, this is a true story...

"Brick, stand on that table and get all that crap off the roof of my shed."

"The table with the rotten legs? It looks dangerous, sir."

"Just do it quickly. Remember your on borrowed time when you stand on that table; it could go at any minute."


So i get up on the table and start taking things down from the roof.

"Mr Dad, how come you have a scythe on your roof?"

"Don't ask questions boy. What else is up there?"

"Um, there's a latter."

"Yeah get that down too."

Yeah it was kind of odd that they kept so much crap on the roof of their shed, but I guess it's an efficient way to make room for storage; you know until it RAINS. Anyways, just as I got the latter in my hands the legs of the table gave way and the whole table fell. I chucked the latter impaling it into a trash can and somehow managed to stay on my feet.

"You OK?"

"Yes, sir."

"Come here. You see that slab of concrete? That's what saved your ass."


What he meant was that there was a piece of concrete under the table that stopped it from falling all the way to the ground and instead stayed a foot above and level. I never thought a slab of concrete would for once prevent me from getting injured.

"Well so much for the table. I guess just use the latter to get the rest of the stuff off."

"The latter appears to be broken, sir."

"Its only missing a few nuts and bolts. Just prop it up against the wall; you'll be fine."

After I finished getting all his shit off the shed roof, his wife had me clean out some old plant pots. Right when I was cleaning one out a spider scurried out.

"Agghhh!! A black widow!"

"Just squash it with your hands."

"But it's a black widow!"

"Don't be a pussy! Squash it with your hand!"

"I believe a black widow bite is fatal, Mrs. Mom."

"Nah it'll just give you a tummy ache. Kill it! Don't be a pussy!"

Then they fed me pizza and lemonade. While I'm pretty sure they got an insurance policy out on me, anyone who feeds me pizza pie is A-OK in my book. =p

Though I did wonder why the lemonade was foaming o.0
Beer Glass by iittala by Dinner Series, on Flickr
Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic License  by  Dinner Series 

*Don't forget to check out my book!  
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