They're All Against Me!: I Know What You Smoked Last Summer (cuz I smoked it with you!)

So this last week was kind of hectic for me. My boy recently decided to move to Canada. (Side note he doesn't have a nickname yet, Europans don't really do that. But let's call him Leroy). Leroy had to move within two weeks or his visa would expire.

Personally I don't know why people get so worried about visas all the time. I never got one and have never had any problems with all my travels. After all, they haven't kicked me out of Europa yet. Anyway I used to go out drinking with Leroy once or twice a week. But since he was leaving in such a short time, we went out five nights in a row.

Oh yeah, he's totally a Leroy

Between all the partying and my creative endeavors that seem to set their own schedule, I had gotten very little sleep. Then before I knew it, it was his last day; our last partying ever was going down that night at a goodbye shindig he was throwing at a local bar.

Now it's true, guys aren't really into the whole gift-giving thing. However, the night before this fool had to go and give me his bottle of Rooster sauce!!! Fucking Rooster sauce; do you know how precious that is out here??

Granted it's no Valentina, but still it was a beautiful commodity from a beautiful man (yeah having a gay moment, such is the power of hot sauce). It goes without saying that a gift like that cannot go unregifted. It's a word fucker, look it up. But what does one young man buy another young man?

This is how guys write post cards to each other. Our gift-giving skills aren't any better.

So that morning after making a beef burrito drenched in Sriracha, I did what any good/lazy friend would do and posted the question of what to get him on facebook. That's when good ol' K-Man responded with the idea of getting Leroy a hockey puck and having all his friends sign it at his goodbye party.

The perfect way to send someone off to Canada! And since Leroy would never, ever meet K-Man (and presumably never checks out the link to this blog that I sent him), I could claim full credit for the idea. So at about 5:00 PM I headed over to the sports store to get me a puck.

BRICK

Where's your hockey gear?

CLERK

Here let me show you.

He walked me over to the hockey section.

BRICK

What the hell are these!? Hockey sticks from the 1930's??

CLERK

Haven't you ever seen a field hockey stick before?

Turns out they didn't have any ice hockey gear. At first I didn't think it was a big deal, but after going to two more stores I realized sports stores in Europa pretty much only have field hockey equipment. I started stressing. Time was not on my side. To work more efficiently, I looked up sports stores online and started calling them one by one:

BRICK

Hello, do you guys have any pucks?

CHICK

"Huh?"

BRICK

You know, for ice hockey.

CHICK

Yeah, still don't know what your talking about, buddy.

BRICK

OK, you're familiar with field hockey I assume?

CHICK

Of course!

BRICK

Well you know how they hit around a little ball in field hockey?

CHICK

"Duh, everyone knows that."

BRICK

Well since ice hockey is played on - wait for it - ice they don't use a little ball they use a puck.

CHICK

Oooh, you mean the black rubber thingy!

BRICK

Facepalm.

CHICK

What?

BRICK

Nothing. Do you guys have any?

CHICK

Naw, we don't carry those.

I finally gave up when someone gave me a tip as to a place he knew for sure carried ice hockey pucks. I called them only reach their voice mail informing me they were closed until winter.

I let out a sigh, hung up the phone, and looked at the Europan flag hanging from my neighbor's roof. I shook my fist, and yelled out, "I have never needed to buy a puck in my thirty years on this earth! And I probably won't need to buy one for the next thirty seeing as how I don't play hockey! I doubt I'll ever get into it; I just don't see the appeal! But right now I really need a puck, and you're a stupid country for not having any!!" I like my insults to be long and detailed. You know, let the insultee know where I'm coming from.

I ended up buying him a CD instead. Some techno stuff. Europans like techno if I remember my stereotypes correctly. On my way back home from the store, I started to feel dizzy. Remember, I had slept very few hours all week and with the weather finally being hot, I started to get a headache... followed by back and chest pains, and nausea. Uh oh, I thought. Better get some rest before going out tonight.

By the time 10:00 PM rolled around, I felt so physically ill I almost didn't feel like going. But I couldn't not go .This was the last time I was going to see my friend in a long time. Besides if I had a heart attack at the bar knowing it was likely to happen, I would score sooo many friend points.

So we kicked it one last time at the Stamp where Leroy was mayor on foursquare. I continued to feel dizziness and chest pains and started to get an intense temperature. Fortunately, Leroy actually made an early night of the shindig since he had a plane to catch the next day.

We said our goodbyes and he headed to his car. Once Leroy left, I had two choices: go to the E.R. or go home. I consulted Dr. Smash Bone (my backyard wrestling alter ego). He said, "when experiencing heart attack symptoms, sleep it off." So I decided to finally get me some fucking sleep. My lack of it was probably what was giving me these symptoms in the first place. Thus it was the wise and cost-effect solution.

However after eight hours of making mimis, I woke up feeling just as sick as the night before; and the chest pains were still there. I figured I needed to warm up to the day; but few hours later, I still felt just as bad. Time to go to the E.R.

NURSE

What's the reason you're here today, sir?

BRICK

Isn't that why you guys have all this fancy equipment so that you can tell me? Facepalm.

NURSE

You're not actually supposed to say 'facepalm,' you're just supposed do it.

BRICK

You're not close enough.

*after a few tests*

DOC

It's as I suspected. You're dehydrated.

BRICK

Really? That's how you tell me? Dude, Dr. Smash Bone has way better delivery. He's all: 'diagnosis: dun dun dun... collapsed liver!' Then he socks you in the side.

DOC

Riggghhhttt. As I was saying...

BRICK

Wait a minute, how can I be dehydrated?? I've been drinking all week!

DOC

Water?

BRICK

Oh, never mind.

DOC

It's been really hot these last few days. And since it was cold all summer before that, your body wasn't used to this heat. That's Europan weather for you.

BRICK

Tell me about it! Did you know this country is also puckless?

He gave me a weird look, and then walked out. I guess Europans are sensitive about their puck deficiency. So anyways, little Leroy wants me to move to Canada with him. Moving to a foreign country, yeah, I already fell for that once.

Turns out they didn't have any pucks. Granted, I seriously doubt Canada has that same problem; but still, why rush out there when I now have a scout to test the waters for me? He's gonna tell me how it is out there: girls, food, the whole nine. Then I will know if it's worth it! But he better not lie to me...

Curse you, Leroy!