Thursday, July 26, 2012

I Know What You Smoked Last Summer (cuz I smoked it with you!)

So this last week was kind of hectic for me. My boy recently decided to move to Canada. (Side note he doesn't have a nickname yet, Europans don't really do that. But let's call him Leroy). Leroy had to move within two weeks or his visa would expire.

Personally I don't know why people get so worried about visas all the time. I never got one and have never had any problems with all my travels. After all, they haven't kicked me out of Europa yet. Anyway I used to go out drinking with Leroy once or twice a week. But since he was leaving in such a short time, we went out five nights in a row.

Oh yeah, he's totally a Leroy
europe beer drunk bar

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Vegas, Where Fairy Tales DO Come True

  Once upon a time in a land far, far away...
vegas hotel strip gambling casino

There Lived a delinquent prince named Brick

               Brick lived in a castle 

He had lots of gold and silver

He partied on top of a tower        

Until the Wicked Bouncer of
the Westside threw him out

   I guess fairy tales really do come true

 The End.

*Don't forget to check out my book!  

Friday, July 20, 2012

Safety Last

When my dad kicked me out, I stayed at my friend's parents' house for a bit. They had me do some chores outside, and I get the feeling my safety was not their primary concern. And yes, this is a true story...

"Brick, stand on that table and get all that crap off the roof of my shed."

"The table with the rotten legs? It looks dangerous, sir."

"Just do it quickly. Remember your on borrowed time when you stand on that table; it could go at any minute."


So i get up on the table and start taking things down from the roof.

"Mr Dad, how come you have a scythe on your roof?"

"Don't ask questions boy. What else is up there?"

"Um, there's a latter."

"Yeah get that down too."

Yeah it was kind of odd that they kept so much crap on the roof of their shed, but I guess it's an efficient way to make room for storage; you know until it RAINS. Anyways, just as I got the latter in my hands the legs of the table gave way and the whole table fell. I chucked the latter impaling it into a trash can and somehow managed to stay on my feet.

"You OK?"

"Yes, sir."

"Come here. You see that slab of concrete? That's what saved your ass."


What he meant was that there was a piece of concrete under the table that stopped it from falling all the way to the ground and instead stayed a foot above and level. I never thought a slab of concrete would for once prevent me from getting injured.

"Well so much for the table. I guess just use the latter to get the rest of the stuff off."

"The latter appears to be broken, sir."

"Its only missing a few nuts and bolts. Just prop it up against the wall; you'll be fine."

After I finished getting all his shit off the shed roof, his wife had me clean out some old plant pots. Right when I was cleaning one out a spider scurried out.

"Agghhh!! A black widow!"

"Just squash it with your hands."

"But it's a black widow!"

"Don't be a pussy! Squash it with your hand!"

"I believe a black widow bite is fatal, Mrs. Mom."

"Nah it'll just give you a tummy ache. Kill it! Don't be a pussy!"

Then they fed me pizza and lemonade. While I'm pretty sure they got an insurance policy out on me, anyone who feeds me pizza pie is A-OK in my book. =p

Though I did wonder why the lemonade was foaming o.0
Beer Glass by iittala by Dinner Series, on Flickr
Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic License  by  Dinner Series 

*Don't forget to check out my book!  

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Fucko (Michael & Me)

When my parents became parents, they found out that parenting wasn't their cup of tea. I guess "don't knock it till you try it" isn't the best approach for all of life's endeavors. Anyways, part of their neglect included not really caring whether or not I brushed my teeth.

Thus I did not develop good oral hygiene habits. I carried this attitude with me well into young adulthood, as I partied my life away at bars followed by hitting up taco stands with the homies. There we combined carne asada and soda to sober up before heading home; and apparently it worked. No DUI's for so far (at least for me; I'll drink to that my incarcerated homies!).

Too drunk/tired/lazy to spend five minutes over a sink, I would then hit the sack without a second thought for my not-so-pearly whites. But I knew this carelessness would eventually have it's consequences. After ten years of neglecting my teeth, I finally decided it was time to go see a dentist.

I told him straight up: "look 'doc' I haven't been to a dentist in over a decade, and I haven't taken good care of my teeth. So I don't know what you're gonna find in there."

He was cool and had a sense of humor as he crossed his fingers before taking a look. "They look fine." A quick couple of X rays confirmed that I didn't have a single cavity.

"How could this be 'doc'?"

"Some people just have good teeth. I'll give you a cleaning and then see you in six months."

I'm no Eisenstein, nor no athlete, but apparently I was blessed with a decent set of chompers. Hey, I'll take what I can get. So once again, I pulled off another bit of dumbluck. But what if I now went around advocating that people neglect their teeth like I have? What if I told people that seeing dentists on a regular basis was just a bunch of bullshit invented by greedy dentists, and brushing your teeth on a daily basis is optional, cause hey, it worked for me right? I think we can all agree that would be some pretty poor advice.

Just because something works for one person doesn't mean it works for another. The more the circumstances are different the less relevant one person's experience is for another. The same is true for social engineering: just because something works in one country, doesn't mean it works in another. As an American living in Europe, I absolutely hate how much other Americans talk about Europe as if they had any fucking clue what it's like out here.

Europe Sucks! (Sort of)

First of all, Europe is a huge geographical area composed of many VERY DIFFERENT countries. So take all your sweeping generalizations that begin with "in Europe..." and throw them out the fucking window. For example, "in Europe people are thin." Oh yeah? Did you know that Italy has a higher obesity rate per capita than the U.S? Or "in Europe nobody's really poor." Oh really?? Been to Poland lately??

Seriously unless you've lived out here you need to shut the fuck up about what life is like in Europe. And no just cause you've been here on vacation doesn't count. Same as how if you had a great time going down to Cancun, that doesn't make you an expert on how wonderful life is in Mexico.

Amongst many stereotypes Americans presume are facts, they think Europe has a great "universal healthcare" system. Once again, it actually depends on what country you're talking about. England, for example, is full of nightmare stories about horrible conditions, ridiculously long waiting lists, and people having to get private care in other countries due to England's poor NHS system.

Upstagings of staged political media shoots are great when they work in my favor:

Now I admit, the country I live in, in Europe, has a great health care system. People come from surrounding European countries to this one, just to receive low-cost, high-quality care. But this country also has the right ingredients to make socialized medicine work (which America lacks) 1. it's much, much smaller 2. it has a homogenous population 3. it's people are nationalistic as fuck.

Why would those last two matter? Because the public is very focused on getting educated and getting serious careers even though they have enough social protection to not need to suceed, and because the public and doctors alike tend to make decisions based on what's best for the country as a whole.

Sound great? Well guess what, that's not what people are like in America. It is much harder to generalize Americans because America is so much bigger and has a much more diverse population in terms or culture, mentality, morality, national origin, etc. But in comparison to the country I currently live in, I would have to say that Americans are much more individualistic; they find ways to cut corners, and love to get more for less. It sounds bad, but it's the reason we are innovators. Necessity isn't the mother of invention, craftiness is.

If you gave a selfish, corner cutting population free medicine, they would rape the shit out it without a second thought. While some people would say "I don't care if life is free, I still want to get an education and go on to build a career even if it doesn't pay a whole lot more because taxes are so high", still there aren't enough people with that kind of mentality in the States. At least not enough to make a free medical system work. This greedy attitude is not limited to the public. It stretches out to politicians, doctors and insurance companies.

Sorry Weezy, maybe next post                            
So what does that mean? Are Americans are too morally corrupt to ever get decent healthcare? Are they doomed with no way out of the horrible state of health care? No. Just because socialist medicine is not the solution, doesn't mean there isn't any solution at all. The solution: deregulation.

Free Medicine, Change Syntax

Regulation is what gave us the mess we have today, and adding more regulation ontop of regulation is only going to, in medical terms: fuck your shit up son!

Monday, July 16, 2012

Brick vs Chick: a battle of wits! o.0

So say you're chillin with your gf or bf and you want to open the window to get some fresh air. There are two ways to handle this situation depending on your gender.

The Chick Way:

"Are you cold?"

"Huh? No..."

"But I mean, could you handle it if the room was a few degrees cooler?"

"What are you talking about??"

"I want to open the window, is that going to be OK? Are you gonna be too cold?"

"No, don't do it! I'm gonna be blown away!"

"I'm just being nice! Why do you always have to be a sarcastic prick!?"

"Because it's a stupid question!"

"When you're with somebody, you check to make sure they're OK!! But you wouldn't know anything about that! You're a jerk; I hate your face!"

"Your mother was a Nazi-sympathizing whore!"

I hate it when my girl talks back to me
like a rocket by FLY2005, on Flickr
Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic License  by  FLY2005 

The Man Way:

"You mind if I open the window, Babe?"


*opens window*

Clearly "the man way " is the victor. But chicks claim to be smarter because they're more complex. Riiiiiggghhhttt.

P.S. we both died of hypothermia

*Don't forget to check out my book!

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

I'm Here All Night!

This is a lil’ stand up routine I wrote. It’s written for comedy and isn’t meant to be an entirely accurate portrayal of my father:

(Walks on stage, picks up mic.)

Hey guys how y’all doing? How was everybody’s Father’s Day? Yeah I know, Father’s Day was six months ago, but I’m using that as my lead in to talk about my dad. Pretty smooth, huh? My dad, man, he was a trip. He was always unemployed; it’s what he did for a living. I wouldn’t recommend it though; the pay isn’t that great.

I was always so ashamed of my father growing up. I used to tell the kids at school that my dad was an accountant for a major corporation. But those kids were sharp man; you couldn’t get anything past them. Don’t let anyone tell you American kids are dumb. They would hit me with some tough questions like, “If your dad’s an accountant for a corporation, why are the holes in your shoes filled with cardboard?”

I didn’t really have a good answer to that one. Of course, I kind of feel like I didn’t have much to work with. I would just say, “My dad’s not the kind of guy that likes to buy things for his kids… like shoes. He’s weird like that.”

You ever notice... stand up comedians have little sympathy for people who get mauled by tigers

by Douglas Pimentel

You know how it goes, some dads buy clothes for their kids. Other dads’ kids have to settle for what they find in the dumpster. Just different schools of parenting. Yup, my dad was an embarrassment. By the way, he’s here with us tonight. Stand up, Dad, take a bow! No, I’m just kidding he’s not here: he couldn’t afford tickets. Actually he did buy some on a payment plan.

I tried telling him, “Hector,” (I call him Hector. It’s this inside thing we have where I don’t acknowledge that he’s my biological father). I said to him, “Hector, the tickets are only good for one night!"

He said, “Shut up! Two more payments and they’re mine!”

I said, “Well, maybe I’ll make it big, and you can sell them on eBay.”

He said, “Really? Can you autograph them for me?”

“No, I’m not the kind of guy who likes to autograph things for his abusive father. I’m weird like that.”

You know what though, I’m picking on my dad a lot but he did do some good things for me too; like he always fed me healthy meals.

I remember asking, “What’s for breakfast, Dad?”

“Chair to the face! That’s what!”

The wooden ones were high in fiber, whereas the metal ones were high in iron.

Also, one day I will inherit his Gruen watch. That is a quality piece of work man. I know this because he wore it on his beating hand; and it still works just fine.

Gives a likin, keeps on tickin!

by scottfeldstein

Plus, he made sure that I went to the best foster homes. I’m talking top of the line here, people, screens in the windows and everything…

He would ask about me, too, when I was in the system. He would say, “My son, Brick, is he still alive?” When the social worker told me this I thought, “How sweet, my dad wants to know if I’m alive or not. Such a caring father.”

So speaking of old people, I went to go visit my grandpa the other day. We sat there watching five episodes of Andy Griffith Show in a row, when I broke out the cell phone and started dicking around on the nets.

My grandpa's all, "you kids and your fancy smanchy phones!! What would you do if that damn thing broke huh??"

I'm like, "I don't know probably sit around and watch TV for 10 hours a day like you!!!"

Fucking old people man. Old man voice "back in my day we didn't spend all day playing with some damn i-phone! We went outside and got exercise!"

 Yeah I don't know. Maybe that has something to do with the fact that.. i-phones didn't fucking exist!!

They act like it was some kind of morally superior decision on their part. Like their mom asked them if they wanted an i-phone for Christmas, and they were like, "No mother! Do not purchase this asinine device for me!! For I shall spend my time in the outdoors, hitting the ground with a stick!!! And I will grow from this experience like the great humanitarian that I am!!!"

*Don't forget to check out my book!  

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Sitting on a Doc (The River Anomaly)

I noticed shit's gotten pretty damn political round here lately. People be talking bout healthcare, religion, gay marriage etc. While I like me a good ol political debate, I noticed there's a lot of hatred for my views which frankly I think is uncalled for. So let me run a hypothetical scenario by you, and then ask you a question based on the circumstances of the scenario:

The River Anomaly

 Let's say there are a group of volunteer doctors and their assistants who are traveling through Mongolia to get to a remote tribe called the Ubanoos. There are no modern forms of transportation so they must make the journey on foot carrying the medicine with them as they go. They are trying to reach the Ubanoos in a hurry because an epidemic has broken out; and while it's a relatively easy disease to cure with modern medicine, the tribe is so remote that there is a risk that many will die off before the doctors can reach them. (This is just a hypothetical; don't get all factual on my ass.)

Now they are hurrying along when, for a second time on this journey, they run into dangerous rapids that they must cross to get to their destination. Two of the doctors are strong personalities, and they have become natural leaders of the group though they often have opposing views. One of them, Doc Z, sees the river and says, "You know what to do gang! Let's build a raft like last time."

But the other leader, Doc X, objects: "Oh no, we're not going through that again! Last time we lost two people and a bunch of medicine. We're lucky to be alive and have what's left of the medicine without which we are useless. No, this time we build a bridge and walk across in a safer manner. Sure it will take more time, but at least we know that us and the medicine will be around to help out the Ubanoos."

Doc Z wasn't having it. "Hell no, we're not building a bridge! That'll take way too long, and more people will die in the meantime. Is that what you want?"

"If we die crossing the river on a makeshift raft, or lose the medicine (which has already happened) then all is lost. The tribe'll be completely wiped out, you're not thinking logically," Replied Doc X.

So that is the scenario. Now I ask you which of the two doctors is evil?

Correct answer: neither. They both want to help out the Ubanoos they just have different ideas on how to accomplish this noble goal, while factoring in risk, timing, and past experience.

Third option: become fatalists, say "they're all gonna die some day anyway," and head home.
Niagara rapids by amerune, on Flickr
Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic License  by  amerune 

Thursday, July 5, 2012

2 Questions

We had some time to kill at work today, so our trainer had us write down if we could have any job what would it be and why, and if we could be anyone in the world who would it be and why.

1)   For the first question I said I would be a housewife so I could eat cereal and watch TV all day (and according to facebook its a real profession).

2)    For the second question I said I wanted to be Cher. My trainer laughed and said, "why the heck do you want to be Cher??!"

 I replied, "The fame, the stardom, I want it all."

My neighboring coworker put in a request for transfer of desk.

*Don't forget to check out my book!  

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Rotten Love

How I love to surround myself in your embrace, cold as it may be
As a broken man, I am drawn to your darkness
Your love is an elixir that gives me strength

While perhaps I forget you as I go about my daily tasks
In my toughest times, I remember you exist
The pain then subsides as I get lost in your morbid dream
I can trudge forward once again

You are the only one who sees me for who I really am
And yet you love me
Behind your cool exterior, you're crazy!

You want me all for yourself
If another so much as looks at me you wrap your arms around me tightly
And with a stern look, you let everyone know that I am yours; I am off limits
Occasionally, I glance at that other soul and wonder what might have been

But the truth is, I already know
Besides, your tangible shadow starves to death whatever new seeds have been planted
You are demanding; you won't let me connect to others
However it's not your fault
You only bring out the distance that was already inside of me

True, I am not the only man to have tasted your love
But I like to think I'm the only one who appreciates you
Who sees you as more than just an object
Others only use you when they need you

They say I am addicted, obsessed even
They called you "cheap" but they were wrong
You are not cheap; you are sweet
Sweet sunglasses!

        When you're not around, I have to use my hand!! o.0

Basically my theme song:
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