Saturday, September 29, 2012


Take my survey and find out!!

Look down at your waist right now. Do you see a gut? OK we identified the problem; now we need to identify the source. Chances are you're either a pig or an alcoholic; let's find out! For each question select either option D or option F:

F) You tell time by counting backwards from meals. For example 5:30 PM is "an hour and a half till dinner."
D) You don't own a clock because you don't have a job or a house to put it in.

D) You've gotten a DUI riding your bike.
F) You are incapable of riding a bike.

F) The entire staff at mcDonalds knows your name - at all mcDonalds within a 20 mile radius.
D) You've been banned from all liquor stores within the entire county.

F) You tend to be out of breath.
D) You tend to hallucinate.

F) You once ate your own hand.
D) You lost your hand but have no idea how. Probably hanging out with some fat guy.

F) People find you unattractive.
D) You even find the people who select option F attractive.

F) You've had entire conversations about fried food.
D) You've had entire conversations with a wall.

F) Someone called you fat and a crisco tear ran down your cheek.
D) The doctor told you you have a vitamin deficiency because you don't eat enough so you told him they should make vitamin enriched beer. Then you assulted him because he was trying to be all smart with you.

D) You see double.
F) You're blind. (It's the diabetes!)

D) You used to throw up a lot but you've built up your tolerance.
F) You used to throw up a lot but you've built up your tolerance.

Now find someone who knows how to count and tally up your score!

Five or more F's = you're a pig!

Five or more D's = you're a drunken pig!

I'm only being hard on you because I've been there before. You don't even want to see the drunk pictures!

*Don't forget to check out my book!

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Worth the Cure?

I have a friend who I call J Lo. I  don't call her that because she's Latina; it actually stands for Jr Loan Officer which was her profession at the time of me dubbing her with that name. Anyway, she invited me to a house party in Orange County one night, so I was like, "Cool, I'm always down for a little debauchery."

However once I got there, I realized this "house party" was in fact a MonaVie party. For those of you that don't know, MonaVie is basically a network marketing company that sells bottles of fruit juice for $30. I would have left, but this was her fiancee's family's event and I didn't want to be rude.

Um, how long is this gonna last?

Well first we're going  watch a video; then we'll have a presentation; then we'll talk about different packages we sell.

Sit down, Brick! Just accept the fact that you're not going to be doing anything else tonight.

She got me good. But what could I do? I already told her I was free and now there I was, trapped in her web of cunningness. So I sat down surrounded by nice, white people with well adjusted minds and successful career paths. I don't know how I come off in this blog, but I can tell you that Brick does not belong around nice, decent people.

It was time to use a little cunningness of my own. So I broke out the cell to text a friend and tell them to call me in fifteen minutes. You want to give yourself at least a ten minute window when texting someone to call you to give the people you are with time to forget that you were just texting someone.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Sunday, September 23, 2012

I'm Addicted to Flake-ahol

My friends complain I'm too much of a flake. I really don't see the problem - flakes aren't good for the main course, but they make up the vast majority of breakfast cereals. And what would be life without breakfast cereals?

We might as well be living in a 3rd world country. (My apologies to my readers from 3rd world countries, I didn't mean to remind you of your plight.) Still, my flakiness got to be too much of a problem, so they sent me to take these classes...

Brick is chalk full of brany goodness! ...blueberries sold separately

Friday, September 21, 2012

A Brique in Paris

So I just did a random road trip to Paris. OK now I get why people like Europa...

"Where's that Eiffel thing I've heard so much about?"

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Moby Brick Trailer

Yeah life was rough, but it makes for a good montage...

You can check out my book here:

Saturday, September 15, 2012

A Tale of Two Bars (East vs West)

Once upon a time, there were two bars on opposite sides of the country. Though located in different cities, they were kindred spirits...

Dawg House, L.A.

One night - wait 5:00 PM counts as night right? Anyways I got a call from Nacho Borracho, "Dude where you at!?"
"Oh you know, a little place I like to call WORK!"
"Well I don't know too much about that. All I know is me, Cuervo, Sal, and Jorge are at the Dawg House, and you need to get your ass down here."
I thought long, and hard and finally responded, "OK."

So I quickly wrapped up my "making responsible choices outside of work" speech to my sales crew, and headed to L.A. to meet up with the boys at the Dawg House. As I walked towards the bar from the parking lot, I saw a gangster looking cat leaning up against the wall of the bar staring me right in the eyes. "I just know this fool's gonna say something," I thought to myself, and I was right.
"Can I see your I.D. sir?" He was the fucking bouncer!!

Once I stepped inside I couldn't see shit. One thing you gotta understand is that the Dawg House isn't just a dive bar, it created dive bar. They straight up didn't give a shit. The floor was concrete, and they didn't even bother to paint it, like "You want a floor? Fuck you! Here's a slab of concrete that's all you get son!"

The only windows they had were painted over ensuring not a drop of natural light would slip in and bother their customers. The floor was like, "Oh the window gets paint!? I see how it is!" Also they had two pool tables but only one had a complete set of pool balls. So if someone else grabbed the full set before you, you would have to wait until they sunk a ball then ask if you could borrow it. So yeah; the motif they went for was definitely "dive."

"You guys think this is what hell's going to be like?"

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Pick Up Lines I Have Actually Used (and failed with!)

Warning: this post is NOT a "how to"

Email I sent my coworker:
"You're a cutie. If I was buffer and had more money I would totally ask you out, but I just bought some stocks and a gym membership so look out!"

While driving two miles per hour on the crowded strip in Hollywood we saw a hottie walking down the street. My boy Mac yelled out the window: "Hey lady! Go out with me or I'll set you on fire!" Yes, he actually said that.

Did somebody order a pizza ...extra cheeeeeeese? 
Super Bowl 2010 Party 04 by hectorir, on Flickr
Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic License  by  hectorir 

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Attack of the 5 Foot 10 Inch Human

A few nights ago, I had to take a piss at 4:00 AM. I got out of bed, turned on the light, and headed for the can when I saw a huge spider posted up on the wall behind my desk. I'm talking a bigass, gargantuan mother fucker. Well my desk has one of those shelf headboard things on it, and my crap spread all over any surfaces so to climb on top of it to hit the spider without breaking anything would've been an impossible task.

Fortunately I live in the basement of a house full of rich people, and I'm right next to the laundry room where they keep all the chemicals. I searched and searched for some Raid, but all I could find spray-wise was a bottle of Febreze. Fucking rich people man; they never have any practical shit. Those of us who grew up poor know what the essentials are: duct tape, paper towels, some kind of mulit-tool thing, a bottle opener key chain and Raid. But the more money someone has the less practical shit they own.

You'll be at a rich guys pad...

"I need a screwdriver."

"We don't have any screwdrivers."

"Then how do you guys screw in screws!?"

"We don't screw in screws."

"OK... well I saw a screwdriver in a dude's car on the way over here. Gimme your slim jim."

"We don't have any slim jims."

"So how do you jack people's cars?"

"We don't jack people's cars.


"Get out of my house."

"Why Brick, you speak such good English for a poor person!"

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

A Birthday Boy Named Susu

As you now know since I'm now telling you, I wrote an autobiography called Moby Brick. It's not out yet, but should be available in the next three months or so. In the meantime here's a clip about a business birthday dinner gone awry:

I have always had a little problem with alcohol - no, not your typical addiction problem, but rather an instant anger management problem. I.e. I get really pissed off and start fighting despite my naturally calm demeanor. It catches people off guard, and has gotten pretty bad in the past including the time I unintentionally bombed on my own cousin in a fit of drunken rage.

When I was younger, it was a sure thing: if I got drunk, I was going to get pissed and possibly fight. However, as I got older it only happened half the time; the other half I would actually get really happy and sometimes ended up singing and dancing. That was usually when I was around friends and felt comfortable in the environment I was in, but it could always go either way. Therefore every time I drank, had to take it slowly to see which direction my emotions were headed. 

So anyway, one day it was my Japanese boss Susu’s (short for Susumu) birthday and Boss R, Jennifer, a few top producing agents, and all the managers including myself went to a Japanese restaurant to celebrate. Before our food arrived, I was downing beers like an Irishman not realizing that Japanese beers have a high alcohol content. Then all the sudden, a panic hit me as I could feel myself lose control to the inner rage that was about to introduce itself to my bosses and coworkers. 

“No! Not now!” I thought to myself as I quickly reached for my water to reverse the effects of the brews, but it was too late. I stood up and yelled out, “I’m getting pissed off! #&%* this #@^!!!” Then I picked up my chair and slammed it on the ground. If you ever want to make a scene, I recommend doing it at a Japanese restaurant. If it’s anything like the spot we were at, it’ll be filled with really quiet Asians so that your actions won’t be drowned out by loud chatter and you’ll have everyone’s full attention. After rearranging the furniture with passion, I stormed out to walk it off outside. One of my sales agents followed me into the parking lot where I knocked the pack of cigarettes he was offering me out of his hand. But I then finally managed to calm down.

     Why would such a quite people invent such a noisy contraption?
The next day, Susu called me up, “Dude, what happened last night?”

“Well I was sitting in that Japanese restaurant surrounded by Charlie, and I started having flash backs of ‘Nam,” I joked.

“That statement is offensive on so many levels I don’t even know where to begin,” he replied. 

Later on, I met the mother of one of the agents named Johnny Boy who was present that night. One of the first questions she asked me was, “Did you really throw a chair in front of your boss?”

When we were by ourselves I yelled at Johnny Boy, “I can’t believe you told your mom about the chair throwing incident!”

He yelled back, “I can’t believe she told you that I told her!”
Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic Licensesrqpix  by 
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