Attack of the 5 Foot 10 Inch Human

A few nights ago, I had to take a piss at 4:00 AM. I got out of bed, turned on the light, and headed for the can when I saw a huge spider posted up on the wall behind my desk. I'm talking a bigass, gargantuan mother fucker. Well my desk has one of those shelf headboard things on it, and my crap spread all over any surfaces so to climb on top of it to hit the spider without breaking anything would've been an impossible task.

Fortunately I live in the basement of a house full of rich people, and I'm right next to the laundry room where they keep all the chemicals. I searched and searched for some Raid, but all I could find spray-wise was a bottle of Febreze. Fucking rich people man; they never have any practical shit. Those of us who grew up poor know what the essentials are: duct tape, paper towels, some kind of mulit-tool thing, a bottle opener key chain and Raid. But the more money someone has the less practical shit they own.

You'll be at a rich guys pad...

BRICK

"I need a screwdriver."

MONEY BAGS

"We don't have any screwdrivers."

BRICK

"Then how do you guys screw in screws!?"

MONEY BAGS

"We don't screw in screws."

BRICK

"OK... well I saw a screwdriver in a dude's car on the way over here. Gimme your slim jim."

MONEY BAGS

"We don't have any slim jims."

BRICK

"So how do you jack people's cars?"

MONEY BAGS

"We don't jack people's cars.

BRICK

"Oh."

MONEYBAGS

"Get out of my house."

"Why Brick, you speak such good English for a poor person!"

  by  Tuftronic10000 

 

But another thing you learn when growing up poor is how to make do. So I figured that Febreze is still toxic chemicals and maybe enough of it would kill him. I headed back to where the perp was located and Febrezed the shit out of that fool. All it did was minorly inconvenience him as he casually strolled away.

Couldn't he humor me some? At least act a little scared? I think the only harm the spraying did was to my plant that was directly in the line of fire (ironically a spider plant). He thought I was finally watering him only to choke to death on a chemically laced mist. I like to think he died high.

After ten sprays I was like, "fuck this," and I threw the Febreze bottle at the spider. It didn't smash him, but it knocked him off the wall. Now he was scared. He scurried across the floor in an attempt to find cover. Wasting no time, I grabbed my chankla and knocked him upside the head with it.

There lay my victim, as I went to get a tissue to scoop up his lifeless body - Burberry tissues, seriously what the fuck rich people!?! But when I returned to the scene of the crime I saw that he was limping away desperately trying to get to my pants that were in a heap on the floor. The crafty bastard had been playing dead!

And that's when I actually started to feel sorry for him. He was just trying to survive. He was probably thinking "Why's this fool trying to kill me? What d'I ever do to him?" I was like, "Sorry dude, but you're just too damn big. I don't really know my spiders, and I don't know what you're capable of." And with that I gave him the final chankla death blow.

I know I'm not supposed to get in trouble while I'm out here in Europa, but once I start sympathizing with spiders it's safe to say I need to get out more ...even if my room does smell like freshly squeezed lavender vanilla.

You can't see it with the naked eye, but he's actually throwing up a tiny middle finger

             
  by  larsjuh 

Where it all began. See?? I wasn't lying about the spider plant

*Don't forget to check out my book! http://mobybrickbook.com