Thursday, August 30, 2018

Thoughts and Prayers are Stupid! Give up Your Rears



Hello chumps and chumpettes,

Brick Cruz here, doin' some 'vestigatin!'


Brick Man! Investigative reporter extraordinaire!


Yesterday, I met with Professor Kumquat from some Ivy league school. I forget which one exactly, but the important thing is that he's recently made controversial statements about the uselessness of prayer, specifically pertaining to mass shootings.


BRICK
Thank you for meeting with me, Professor. I have to ask, is Kumquat your real name?

KUMQUAT
No, it's my Indian name.

BRICK
Oh, what's your heritage?

KUMQUAT
Irish/German.

BRICK
You should run for Senate.

KUMQUAT
I don't get it?


You're not the only one.


BRICK
"Kumquat" is kind of long. Mind if I call you Kum?

KUMQUAT
I do mind, actually. "Kum" is a toxic masculine subconscious normative.

BRICK
Fine, I'll just call you Quat - rhymes with twat.

KUM
Ooh, that I like!

BRICK
No surprise there. So, Quat, what are you a professor of exactly?

KUM
Culturally appropriated micro-aggression studies with a focus on gender fluidity.

BRICK
This should be fun. Now, you came under fire last week for some statements you made about prayer. You said:

"Praying is useless and retarded. Especially when it comes to mass shootings. We need real solutions."

As a Christian, I have to disagree with that.

Saturday, August 26, 2017

The Brick Goes on Shark Tank!


Wuddup peeps?

As y'all know I work at a donut factory. But what you might not know is that I like to harass venture capitalists in my spare time. Most recently, I went on the TV show Shark Tank to pitch one of my inventions to the reality star billionaires. Here's how it went:


          I walked into the studio.


BRICK
Hello, sharks. For legal purposes, I go by Brick.

MR WONDERFUL
Legal purposes??

BRICK
I guess I should say, legal avoidance purposes.

MR WONDERFUL
Go on.

BRICK
I'm here seeking a $250 investment for a 5%  stake in my company, Tone Def.

MR WONDERFUL
Interesting.

BRICK
Shut up. So anyways, the word "deaf" means not able to hear, but it's also used by black people to mean "cool."


          Daymond jumped out of his seat.


BLACK SHARK
Yes!!

BRICK
Thank you, Daymond. Now everyone likes music, but some of us are tone deaf. So I invented Tone Def.


          I pulled the table cloth off my invention.


LORI
What the fuck is that?

ROBERT
It looks like a destroyed synthesizer.

BRICK
You're both right. I ripped out all but two keys off this keyboard thereby making it usable by even the most tone deaf motherfuckers out there. Except the ones that are actually deaf. There's no hope for them. So sharks, who's ready to go def!?

MR WONDERFUL
Is there anything proprietary about your invention?

BRICK
That's what I need the $250 for. I need to pay the patent application fee.

ROBERT
You're retarded! How can you play any songs with only two keys!?

BRICK
Well Robert, statistics show all songs are made of only twelve notes. So I'm sure there's at least a few songs you can play with two.

MARK
You come in here with a face like that... it's very disrespectful to us sharks. I'm out.

BRICK
Thank you for your input Mark, but I'd like to hear what the other sharks have to say.

LORI
You're a moron.

BRICK
Takes one to know one.

BLACK SHARK
Salmonella!

BRICK
It wasn't a question, Daymond.

BLACK SHARK
You're over here talking about grapes, but I don't see you as a health nut. I'm out.


 Maybe I'd of had more success if I wore my Viking hat.

Friday, March 3, 2017

Inside the Donut Hole



The donut factory I work for always has me write a lil something for our above titled newsletter. See if you can guess which months these posts were for!!

A Day for Lovers (and retail profits)

So it's Valentine's Day today the perfect time to talk about love and relationships. When you think about it, relationships are a bit like jobs: you might complain when you have one, but if you were to lose your job you would feel like your world came crashing down.

Jobs provide us structure, purpose, and a sense of fulfillment along with of course a means to be able to survive. The same can be said about relationships. While they do require work, and they can be hard to maintain at times, ultimately they give meaning to our lives.
 
Pictured below: the reason we peasants exist.

Money might provide us with the ability to survive, but relationships give us a reason to work so hard, a reason to keep going. As awesome as a view at the top of the mountain might be it only multiplies when you have someone to share it with. As delicious as a well-made meal might taste, it’s way better if you can enjoy it with the person you love.

Friday, February 3, 2017

Leader of Street Gang Rollin 420's Resigns Amongst Alligations of Racism


Hello jackaloons! I'm currently on administrative leave from the donut factory I work at for the pants-less cartwheel incident, so I decided to engage in some B.S. work to keep myself busy: investigative journalism.


Hey! Acting is a serious career!

Today's story comes from the mean streets of Temecula where notorious gang leader, Lamar Jackson, resigned as shot caller for the Rollin 420's amidst allegations of racism. 

Wikigangs, a site dedicated to eradicating corrupt gang leaders, released dozens of hacked emails allegedly from Lamar's personal server. The emails reveal frequent use of the N word, referring to women as prostitutes, and a disdain for those in law enforcement.

Earlier today Lamar released the following statement at a press conference: "I deeply regret if my words have offended any of our diverse population who all contribute to the rich cultural tapestry that is America. I will now spend more time with my family and hope I can put this behind me."

  Lamar remembers better days when smiles not systemic racism was 420's unofficial policy. 

Saturday, January 7, 2017

Breaking Janitor


So the dount factory I work for asked me to start writing for our company newsletter, Inside the Donut Hole. I guess the caught wind of my affinity for writing. They also caught wind of my egg sandwich.

Ba dun tssss! I'm here all night, unfortunately.

Since it's January, they asked me to write a piece about new beginnings and motivation and being all you can be etc. Here's what I came up with:


BREAKING JANITOR


Last year right about this time, I was in my “new hire” class with our trainer.  I forget exactly how this conversation came about, but our trainer mentioned that as you grow up you learn that, unless you are lucky enough to be Jay Z or Beyonce, most jobs are “utilitarian”. To be honest, I did not know what that word meant. So I looked it up. Turns out it means something completely different than what I had suspected. (I thought it had something to do with utopia and socialism. )

 You never know where the Iron Hammer will strike! It could be your donut trainer, or your mom!


What the word utilitarian actually means is: practical. Our trainer was trying to say most jobs serve a functional purpose; they are not creative. You process paperwork; you don’t write a story. You drive a truck; you don’t race. Once I figured out the meaning of his statement I got to thinking about it. I thought about how you can categorize jobs by varying levels of creativity:


Sunday, July 17, 2016

Top 5 Movies You've Never Heard Of


I'm bored today, so I thought I'd make a list of my top five underrated movies...


5) HARD EIGHT

Despite staring the big shot names of John C Reilly, Samuel L. Jackson, and Gwyneth Paltrow, no one I've ever talked to about this movie has even heard of it. It's set at a slow pace, and I can see why it didn't become a commercial success. However the movie has a profound moral told in a chilling way: a man's personality and demeanor says nothing about his true character. The final scene is the most simplest and mundane of gestures performed by the main character which seals the point home in a single stroke of genius.  




4) BUFFALO 66

This movie is the perfect embodiment of frustration and deep inner rage topped with the frosting of desperation for approval that only those of of us who were unloved by our parents can ever fully relate to. Everyone else probably thinks the main character is a fucking asshole. They might not be wrong, but the movie is rife with humor to help you not hate the main character too much and does in the end have a surprisingly positive message. Also it stars Christina Ricci after she put a little meat on and looks hot as fuck.




Sunday, July 10, 2016

Neil DeGrasse Tyson; Not So Scientific


I love science. I think it's awesome. Not only has it given us useful technology, badass entertainment, and life-saving advances in medicine, but I find it fascinating in and of itself. I am especially interested in quantum physics. The developments in this field combine reality with our craziest dreams as they break down our whole universe into a two dimensional existence produced in its entirety by quantum vibrating strings.

But despite my love of science, I don't worship it. And I certainly don't limit the scope of my learning, and personal growth to only those things that exist within the realm of scientifically valid facts. I'd be dead if I did. After all science is just a method. It is as flawed as its practitioner, it has many limitations, and is subject to bias and human manipulation, and skewed perceptions.

"Science" by definition again is nothing more than a method. It is the best vehicle for human intellect and therein lies its permanent limitation: it can only go as far as human intellect can take it. But of course as one of my all time favorite sayings goes, "we don't know what we don't know." That might sound so obvious it doesn't need to be said. But don't confuse it for an idiotic saying such as "it is what it is." The fist saying is a truly profound statement when you take the time to think about what it really means. The second saying is meaningless gibberish.

There are, in my opinion, truths that exists outside the scope of human intellect. This doesn't mean we can't become aware of them and apply them in our lives, it just means that we cannot detect them with our intellect. We therefore have to be open to other avenues of perception to learn about these truths. It's kind of like the color infrared. Just because infrared exists outside of the scope of our vision doesn't mean it isn't real. It just means we have to learn about it by other means than searching for it with our eyes.


Unless you're these guys.

Saturday, February 27, 2016

Brick and Nacho Do 1966


A few weeks ago, I called up my good homie Nacho...


BRICK
S'up dude? Got any plans for today?

NACHO
No.

BRICK
You down to go back to the past? I have a time machine.

NACHO
Bahaha! You mean to tell me that your dumb, donut-making ass built a time machine?? I'm not that stupid.

BRICK
I eat more dounts than I make.

NACHO
That's not better.

BRICK
And I didn't built it. Hak Man did. You know, my jet propulsion engineer friend?

NACHO
The one who accidentally lit himself on fire while driving? [actually happened]

BRICK
It wasn't an accident; it was on purpose.

NACHO
Again, not better. Don't ever defend yourself in court, Brick.

BRICK
Shut up, and come over. Bring your keyboard too.


Nacho came to my house. I took him to the backyard where I kept my time machine.


NACHO
Wow, you actually have a time machine!!

BRICK
Told you.

NACHO
So why did you need me to bring my keyboard? Is the machine activated by certain musical notes a-la-Close Encounter of the Third Kind?

BRICK
No, numbnuts. We need your keyboard because we're gonna go back to 1966 and pretend we wrote all of today's top 40 hits a-la-Dr. Evil. A record company is bound to sign us up and we'll be gozillionaires a-la-Forrest Gump.

NACHO
Dr Evil didn't steal songs from the future to sell them. He only sung them to impress his friends. That makes you more evil that a cartoonishly-evil movie villain.


You should be having that discussion with my mom



Thursday, February 18, 2016

New from Apple: the i-aSISt


In defiance of the FBI, Apple has announced a new product they will be launching this Spring: the i-aSISt.


 
This new "super encrypted" product, is shaped like an apple to camouflage the fact that it is a fully functional electronic communication device with wifi capabilities. 

We asked, Todd Johnson, head of Apple's design team if shaping an Apple product like an apple was a bit cliche. "What? Oh I never thought of that. I shaped it like an apple because that's what I use to smoke weed in public incognitolly. Wait, is that a word?"

We don't know Todd, we don't know.

"The i-aSISt has been designed to assist those who need a well hidden, encrypted device such as individuals or organizations involved in covert operations," said Apple spokesman Timmy O'Tool.

When asked if there is a risk the device will be used by criminals and  nefarious entities such as ISIS to help them execute horrendous acts of terrorism, Tool replied, "We are not in the business of stopping mass shootings."

Tool may have a point. Inside sources have told us that Evil makes up a pretty significant market share of Apple.


Leaked Apple pie chart not so sweet



All we can say is some plagiarized words of our enemies, "capitalist will sell you the rope to hang him with." And with that, we're out!



 "How you like dem apples!!"





*Don't forget to check out my book, Moby Brick! 

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