Brick vs the Sea (the day the ocean dieded)

The other day, my homie Donnie B and I decided to go kayaking in New Port Beach. We picked New Port because apparently there is a bay there that is super easy to drop a kayak in. So we went to said bay, dropped the kayak, and started paddling out. It was fun at first but then it got kind of boring.

When bored snap a selfie..

BRICK

Dude this is too slow. I need some action.

DONNIE
The only place you'll see action is in the actual ocean, not here in the bay.

BRICK
So then let's go to ocean!

DONNIE
That's about 2 hours of paddling.

BRICK
Bull shit. I can see the ocean right on the other side of that island.

DONNIE
First of all that's a peninsula not an island. And it takes 2 hours to get around it.

BRICK
So lets just cut across then.

DONNIE
We'll look like douche bags walking our kayak in the streets.

BRICK
Yes! I wanna look like a rich douche bag for once! I want the full OC experience..

Minus the gayass clothes

   by  ctoverdrive 

So we rowed to the peninsula where we carried our kayak through the streets.

BRICK
Stop your cars! This is a kayak crossing!

DONNIE
*Sigh* I already know I can't take you any anywhere, but I thought we'd be safe kayaking at least.

BRICK
Yeah? Well you thought wrong.


We reached the other side of the peninsula where the waves were crashing pretty hard. We kept trying to get in the ocean but it kept crashing us out. One guy broke out the cell phone and started recording our fails. I yelled out to the camera:


BRICK
That's what happens when you put a Canadian in water!

JOHNNY
Why did you say that? Both you and I were born and raised in the U.S.A!

BRICK
Yeah but I try and make Canada look bad every chance I get.

JOHNNY
By claiming to be Canadian yourself?

BRICK
You wanna tell me a better way??

Nevermind.

   by  TonyFelgueiras 

We finally made it into the ocean. It was windy and the waves were rolling high.

BRICK
This is like being on a roller coaster! Weeeeeeeeee!

DONNIE
Do you have to keep saying "weee"? I'm trying to look badass here!

After paddling for about an hour, we decided to head back.

DONNIE
OK dude, the sea's pretty rough right now. But if we time this right we can pull it off.

BRICK
OK

DONNIE
It's calmed down a bit; now's our chance. Paddle! Hard!

BRICK
Wait what's the safe word?

DONNIE
Huh?

BRICK
I meant aye aye captain!


We weren't that far from shore. We paddled full force ahead. All was going well until a gigantic swell of a wave rose up behind us. We tried to keep the kayak straight but the wave was way too powerful. It sucked the kayak into itself sideways. Next thing I knew I felt the crash of the wave all around me. I was instantly submerged into the sea. I felt sheer panic.

I fought hard to get to the surface of the water. I finally managed to get there when a second wave came crashing down upon me. Once again I was submerged. Once again I fought hard to make it to the top. I couldn't breathe and sucked in a huge gulp of sea water. "Don't lose sight of which direction up is! You can do this!" I thought to myself.

I struggled back to the top, only to be taken back down by a third wave. "Fuck me, when will this end!?" I kicked and kicked till I saw the sky again. I could see the shore, so close but yet so far. I swam as hard as I could. A few seconds later, I felt the ground beneath my feet.

"Yes! I fucking made it!!" I stood up, but was hit by a wave from in back. I hit the ground and crawled my way back to the shore shaking, coughing, and with spit and snot running down my face.


RANDOM BY-STANDER
Dude are you OK? Why aren't you wearing a life jacket??

BRICK
I didn't want to look like a dork.

RANDOM BY-STANDER
That was gnarly man! You put up quite a fight.

BRICK
Yeah, good little workout. I think I can skip shoulder day.


I looked up and realized that the whole shore had their cell phones out. They recorded the entire incident. I always knew I would end up on youtube some day. I was hoping it would be for something positive, but I guess the way I live my life that was a pretty unrealistic hope.

I turned around and looked back the ocean. Johnny, who had been wearing his life jacket, was gently bobbing with the waves and wasn't far behind me. I stood up. Some cute chicks brought me my paddle and gatorades that had floated away. That's when I realized that my sunglasses were missing. I shook my fist at the sea.


BRICK
You might have taken my shades, but you didn't take my life you son of a bitch!!!

LITTLE GIRL
Who are you yelling at, mister?

DONNIE
I told you to wear your life jacket!!

BRICK
What's done is done. The shitty part is, I lost my shades.

DONNIE
Don't worry about that. I have some spare ones in the truck you can borrow.

BRICK
Great; so I'll have to walk around with loaner all day.

DONNIE
That's what I've been doing.

BRICK
Dude you know what, that was actually a pretty intense rush. Let's go back!

DONNIE
Oh hell no! We're going back to the bay.

BRICK
Aww man. You're no fun.

DONNIE
Well at least you got what you've been wishing to have all these years: a PG story you will actually be able to share with your kids.

BRICK
Hey yeah, that's true.


That got me thinking about how I could share this story with my crush to gain sympathy points. I pulled my phone out of the DryBox that kept it safe through this ordeal and started texting her.


BRICK
I almost died today.

CRUSH
Alcohol poisoning?

BRICK
No, drowning.

CRUSH
Drowning while drunk?

BRICK
No! Just regular drowning.

CRUSH
Well you're just full of surprises aren't you?

DONNIE
Unfortunately they're usually bad surprises.

BRICK
Hey! GTOF of my text chat you jerk wad!

I've said it before, I'll say it again: the important thing is we survived.

*Don't forget to check out my book, Moby Brick!