Day 1 in Europa

They shipped me off to Europa. I wrote a lil something about my very first day there...

So I was sitting in the basement wide awake at 5:00 AM (thanks to jet-lag), sad because I didn’t have keys to the house nor Euros to buy food. Then I noticed a set of keys hanging on the wall and realized they were to the back door, and I remembered that visa is accepted round the world. Ha! They wanted me to starve in the basement but they didn’t count on my American ingenuity! So I put on me walking shoes (the only kind I have) and hit the streets.

It was weird to walk around. For starters even though I was in the city center it was dead as hell; I could count the number of cars that drove by on one hand. The stores were all crammed together in long rows and double stacked with apartments on top. Obviously they don’t have room for dumpsters in back like in California, and in fact they didn’t even have trash cans. They just piled trash bags on the side walk for garbage men to pick up. It was kind of gross actually.

The streets were very narrow and they painted all their stop light poles with red and white stripes. That way when you're walking and you see the bottom of a stop light pole you notice the stripes and you're like "oh snap! This is stop light!" and you look up, notice it's a red light, and it saves your life. Something to that effect I imagine.

A Europan, strip mall.. where's the Jamba Juice?? Where's the Hot Dog on a Stick?? They got this all wrong!

I saw three travel agencies before I reached the end of the first block. Makes sense to me: everybody wants to get the fuck out of here except for naive Americans who romanticize the shit out of all things foreign and my dumbass who should know better. I noticed from the shop windows that social class and style mattered very much here. I foresaw problems.

Just as I was steeped in foreignness I noticed a sign that read "Taco Systems." I couldn’t believe it! A taco stand in Europa! What an awesome way to quell my hunger. But as I got closer I realized it wasn’t a Mexican food shop, it was a computer store. Flagrant false advertizing! If I was in the states I would sue, but they don’t go for legitimate frivolous law suits in Europa. Go figure.

I still remembered where a fast food joint was located and headed in that direction. Then I found out fast food joints aren't open at 530. Nor are gas stations. And I guess they should put me in the history books as the guy who discovered a place where there aren’t any 7-11s.

I started to head back the way I came having remembered walking past a pastry shop that had a sign saying it opened at 6:00 AM. I walked in to find some europeanette with an attitude behind the counter.

"Do you guys have sandwiches?"

"Yeah," rolls her eyes as if I oughtta just know how shit works in any random mom and pop shop I walk into.

"Can I see a menu?"

"We don’t have one."

"So.... how am I supposed to know what you have?"

She starts listing all the sandwiches they have one by one. Seems to me there ought to have been a more efficient way to let their customers know what items they sold. Perhaps some sort of list of all the foods written on a piece of paper you can hold in your hand. Might be better than listing off everything you make, especially if you’re a jerk who doesn’t like talking to people.

I ordered a ham and cheese samish and headed to a little park to eat it. The park was littered with smashed glass bottles and empty beer cans and cigarette boxes. So much for the "green" stereotype we give Europans. Don’t believe everything you see on TV. In fact weren’t they the ones that practically killed off all our buffalo just to eat the tongues? Maybe I’ll skin one of their cats as revenge.

Then I sat back in my basement rocking the i-pod, writing this "note" wondering how to end it. I thought it best to end this crazy story with a cliffhanger.

Tune in next week to see if our hero survives!!




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