The Brick Goes on Shark Tank!

Wuddup peeps?

As y'all know I work at a donut factory. But what you might not know is that I like to harass venture capitalists in my spare time. Most recently, I went on the TV show Shark Tank to pitch one of my inventions to the reality star billionaires. Here's how it went:

          I walked into the studio.

BRICK

Hello, sharks. For legal purposes, I go by Brick.

MR WONDERFUL

Legal purposes??

BRICK

I guess I should say, legal avoidance purposes.

MR WONDERFUL

Go on.

BRICK

I'm here seeking a $250 investment for a 5%  stake in my company, Tone Def.

MR WONDERFUL

Interesting.

BRICK

Shut up. So anyways, the word "deaf" means not able to hear, but it's also used by black people to mean "cool."

          Daymond jumped out of his seat.


BLACK SHARK
Yes!!

BRICK
Thank you, Daymond. Now everyone likes music, but some of us are tone deaf. So I invented Tone Def.


          I pulled the table cloth off my invention.

LORI

What the fuck is that?

ROBERT

It looks like a destroyed synthesizer.

BRICK

You're both right. I ripped out all but two keys off this keyboard thereby making it usable by even the most tone deaf motherfuckers out there. Except the ones that are actually deaf. There's no hope for them. So sharks, who's ready to go def!?

MR WONDERFUL

Is there anything proprietary about your invention?

BRICK

That's what I need the $250 for. I need to pay the patent application fee.

ROBERT

You're retarded! How can you play any songs with only two keys!?

BRICK

Well Robert, statistics show all songs are made of only twelve notes. So I'm sure there's at least a few songs you can play with two.

MARK

You come in here with a face like that... it's very disrespectful to us sharks. I'm out.

BRICK

Thank you for your input Mark, but I'd like to hear what the other sharks have to say.

LORI

You're a moron.

BRICK

Takes one to know one.

BLACK SHARK

Salmonella!

BRICK

It wasn't a question, Daymond.

BLACK SHARK

You're over here talking about grapes, but I don't see you as a health nut. I'm out.

 Maybe I'd of had more success if I wore my Viking hat.

"Cellhelmet pitch on ’Shark Tank’" (CC BY-NC-ND 2.0) by pennstatenews

Small Apartment Problems (a.k.a. brokeass)

ahh to be middle aged and broke again...

Inside the Donut Hole

The donut factory I work for always has me write a lil something for our above titled newsletter. See if you can guess which months these posts were for!!

A Day for Lovers (and retail profits)

So it's Valentine's Day today the perfect time to talk about love and relationships. When you think about it, relationships are a bit like jobs: you might complain when you have one, but if you were to lose your job you would feel like your world came crashing down.

Jobs provide us structure, purpose, and a sense of fulfillment along with of course a means to be able to survive. The same can be said about relationships. While they do require work, and they can be hard to maintain at times, ultimately they give meaning to our lives.

 

Pictured below: the reason we peasants exist.

"factory" (CC BY-NC 2.0) by tetratoon

Money might provide us with the ability to survive, but relationships give us a reason to work so hard, a reason to keep going. As awesome as a view at the top of the mountain might be it only multiplies when you have someone to share it with. As delicious as a well-made meal might taste, it’s way better if you can enjoy it with the person you love.

Leader of Street Gang Rollin 420's Resigns Amongst Alligations of Racism

Hello jackaloons! I'm currently on administrative leave from the donut factory I work at for the pants-less cartwheel incident, so I decided to engage in some B.S. work to keep myself busy: investigative journalism.

Hey! Acting is a serious career!

"reporters" (CC BY-SA 2.0) by Oregon State University

Today's story comes from the mean streets of Temecula where notorious gang leader, Lamar Jackson, resigned as shot caller for the Rollin 420's amidst allegations of racism. 

Wikigangs, a site dedicated to eradicating corrupt gang leaders, released dozens of hacked emails allegedly from Lamar's personal server. The emails reveal frequent use of the N word, referring to women as prostitutes, and a disdain for those in law enforcement.

Earlier today Lamar released the following statement at a press conference: "I deeply regret if my words have offended any of our diverse population who all contribute to the rich cultural tapestry that is America. I will now spend more time with my family and hope I can put this behind me."

  Lamar remembers better days when smiles not systemic racism was 420's unofficial policy. 

"Justin’s Bar Mitzvah" (CC BY 2.0) by emilio labrador

Breaking Janitor

So the dount factory I work for asked me to start writing for our company newsletter, Inside the Donut Hole. I guess the caught wind of my affinity for writing. They also caught wind of my egg sandwich.

Ba dun tssss! I'm here all night, unfortunately.

Since it's January, they asked me to write a piece about new beginnings and motivation and being all you can be etc. Here's what I came up with:

BREAKING JANITOR

Last year right about this time, I was in my “new hire” class with our trainer.  I forget exactly how this conversation came about, but our trainer mentioned that as you grow up you learn that, unless you are lucky enough to be Jay Z or Beyonce, most jobs are “utilitarian”. To be honest, I did not know what that word meant. So I looked it up. Turns out it means something completely different than what I had suspected. (I thought it had something to do with utopia and socialism. )

 You never know where the Iron Hammer will strike! It could be your donut trainer, or your mom!

"Hammer and sickle" (CC BY-NC 2.0) by cesarastudillo

What the word utilitarian actually means is: practical. Our trainer was trying to say most jobs serve a functional purpose; they are not creative. You process paperwork; you don’t write a story. You drive a truck; you don’t race. Once I figured out the meaning of his statement I got to thinking about it. I thought about how you can categorize jobs by varying levels of creativity:

Top 5 Movies You've Never Heard Of

I'm bored today, so I thought I'd make a list of my top five underrated movies...


5) HARD EIGHT

Despite staring the big shot names of John C Reilly, Samuel L. Jackson, and Gwyneth Paltrow, no one I've ever talked to about this movie has even heard of it. It's set at a slow pace, and I can see why it didn't become a commercial success. However the movie has a profound moral told in a chilling way: a man's personality and demeanor says nothing about his true character. The final scene is the most simplest and mundane of gestures performed by the main character which seals the point home in a single stroke of genius.  

4) BUFFALO 66

This movie is the perfect embodiment of frustration and deep inner rage topped with the frosting of desperation for approval that only those of of us who were unloved by our parents can ever fully relate to. Everyone else probably thinks the main character is a fucking asshole. They might not be wrong, but the movie is rife with humor to help you not hate the main character too much and does in the end have a surprisingly positive message. Also it stars Christina Ricci after she put a little meat on and looks hot AF.

Neil DeGrasse Tyson; Not So Scientific

I love science. I think it's awesome. Not only has it given us useful technology, badass entertainment, and life-saving advances in medicine, but I find it fascinating in and of itself. I am especially interested in quantum physics. The developments in this field combine reality with our craziest dreams as they break down our whole universe into a two dimensional existence produced in its entirety by quantum vibrating strings.

But despite my love of science, I don't worship it. And I certainly don't limit the scope of my learning, and personal growth to only those things that exist within the realm of scientifically valid facts. I'd be dead if I did. After all science is just a method. It is as flawed as its practitioner, has many limitations, and is subject to bias and human manipulation, and skewed perceptions.

"Science" by definition again is nothing more than a method. It is the best vehicle for human intellect and therein lies its permanent limitation: it can only go as far as human intellect can take it. But as they say, "we don't know what we don't know." That might sound so obvious it doesn't need to be said. But don't confuse it for an idiotic saying such as "it is what it is." The fist saying is a truly profound statement when you take the time to think about what it really means. The second saying is meaningless gibberish.

There are, in my opinion, truths that exists outside the scope of human intellect. This doesn't mean we can't become aware of them and apply them in our lives, it just means that we cannot detect them with our intellect. We therefore have to be open to other avenues of perception to learn about these truths. It's kind of like the color infrared. Just because infrared exists outside of the scope of our vision doesn't mean it isn't real. It just means we have to learn about it by other means than searching for it with our eyes.

Unless you're these guys.

"through thick glasses" (CC BY 2.0) by  rocketjim54 

New from Apple: the i-aSISt

In defiance of the FBI, Apple has announced a new product they will be launching this Spring: the i-aSISt.

"organic i-pod shuffle" (CC BY 2.0) by  asboluv 

 

This new "super encrypted" product, is shaped like an apple to camouflage the fact that it is a fully functional electronic communication device with wifi capabilities. 

We asked, Todd Johnson, head of Apple's design team if shaping an Apple product like an apple was a bit cliche. "What? Oh I never thought of that. I shaped it like an apple because that's what I use to smoke weed in public incognitolly. Wait, is that a word?"

We don't know Todd, we don't know.

"The i-aSISt has been designed to assist those who need a well hidden, encrypted device such as individuals or organizations involved in covert operations," said Apple spokesman Timmy O'Tool.

When asked if there is a risk the device will be used by criminals and  nefarious entities such as ISIS to help them execute horrendous acts of terrorism, Tool replied, "We are not in the business of stopping mass shootings."

Tool may have a point. Inside sources have told us that Evil makes up a pretty significant market share of Apple.

Leaked Apple pie chart not so sweet

All we can say is some plagiarized words of our enemies, "capitalist will sell you the rope to hang him with." And with that, we're out!

 "How you like dem apples!!"

"Matt Damon Waving" (CC BY-SA 2.0) by  theglobalpanorama 

*Don't forget to check out my book, Moby Brick! 

The Joe Rogan Factor

Evolving Truth

I am a full on Catholic; like don't eat meat on Fridays, church every Sunday (after sobering up from Saturday) believe in purgatory Catholic. So do I think humans started with Adam and Eve, and that angels came down from heaven and made love to the "daughters of Eve" to create human/angel hybrids, and that God walked the Earth and placed a giant, flaming, rotating sword at the base of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil?

Common sense tells me these things never happened. Course I don't know for sure; I wasn't there. Jesus taught His disciples using parables i.e. stories that didn't actually happen but that have valuable lessons none the less. I think some of the Old Testament if not all of it was parables from God. They may never have actually happened, but that doesn't make their lessons any less valuable.

Although I'm really hoping the whole confession absolves your sins stuff is for real.