Manteca Nights

Love me some Mexicans...

 Grad Boy

The other day I went to my boy Rude Dogg's graduation party.

BRICK

Dude!! So awesome you graduated!! You're the only one of our crew who's actually made something of yourself... I'm never going to see you again am I?

RUDE DOG

Probably  not. 

East L.A. house parties are usually sponsored by the Dodgers.

So we partied hard, joined by some of my best homies, Cuervo & Nacho. Also with us was Rude Dogg's little brother Ricky. He's a boxer who once sparred with a world champion who was impressed with his skills. Ricky was drunk. He came up to me and got right in my face..

RICKY

Yo Brick!! You've supported me since the beggining! You were at my first fight!

BRICK

Don't hurt me!

RICKY

You are my boy! I will be a champion one day bro! I have it in me! And you know what? Because you supported me, when I make it big I will give you a million dollars!

BRICK

Cool!

Well that certainly was some good news. Ricky is a young buck though. He has not quite built up the tolerance that his brother has. So later on I found him puking in the John.

BRICK

You doing alright bro?

RICKY

*Ugh* I'm never drininking again.

BRICK

That's cool. But hey, do you remember any of the conversation we were having earlier?

RICKY

Who are you?

BRICK

Shit!

So there went my dream of one of my friend's succeeding and being able to mooch off them. But I did meet a cute Mexican chick at the party. I love Mexican chicks. Did you know Mexicans invented the jalapeno?

BRICK

Why you drinking water? We not good enough to party with?

CHICK

Hehe, no I just don't drink much.

BRICK

Well let's at least pretend you're having fun. Here hold my beer and I'll take a picture so you can claim you actually had a good time.

I spat my game but ended up bombing. But I didn't let that stop me. I moved on to a way cuter Asian chick. Did you know that Asians invented rice? The Mexicans just stole it from them. After I got her digits, and after puking my brains out in the bathroom, I decided it was time to go home and crash.

How could a woman possibly resist this man?

BRICK

Good night Mrs Rude Dogg, thanks for having me over.

RUDE DOGG'S MOM

You're not going anywhere. You're too faded.

BRICK

But all the beds and couches are taken.

RUDE DOGG'S MOM

I saved room for you on kitchen floor.

BRICK

Hahaha

RUDE DOGG'S MOM

Why are you laughing?

BRICK

Shit!

 Is it bad that I'm used to this?

As if sleeping on the kitchen floor wasn't bad enough, in the middle of the night one of my drunken floor mates woke up and stood over me.

BRICK

Huh, what are you doing??

**He started to unzip his pants. I blew my rape whistle**

RUDE DOGG'S MOM

What's going on in here?? Hey stop that Chuy! The bathroom's this way!

When he came out he had to be redirected to his spot on the ground. So I had made and lost a million dollars, almost got pissed on and struck out with the cute Mexican girl. But I did get the cute Asian girl's number.

I think I came out ahead...

Tortilla Boy

Turns out the corporate world can be not so awesome. But don't tell them I said that...

The other day my boss sat down with me.

BOSS LADY

Good news, Burka, you've been doing really well.

BRICK

My name is Brick ma'am.

BOSS LADY

Of course it is! Now let's look at your numbers. You have a 98% ITC ratio, you have 75% QR, and you've issued the most policies out of all the new hires. I can see you're getting that glazed over look again, so I'll get to the point - we're happy with your performance. 

BRICK

Awesome! So when will I get commission for all the policies I sold?

BOSS LADY

Never. You're still in training so you won't get commisions on any policies you sell.

BRICK

Steaming pile of Santa Clause shit!!

BOSS LADY

Get out of my office. 

Since I only get base pay and no commission, I've been helping my friend do some cater jobs for her Mexican restaurant.

LE HEFETTE

Look Brick, I hired you as a favor. Your job is going to be very simple. You are going to heat the tortillas that I will make the tacos with. Capish?

BRICK 

Yes ma'am.

EL HEFETTE

Now you're going to pour some of this onto the tortillas before you put them on the grill.

BRICK

What is it?

EL HEFETTE

It's liquid that helps them stay soft.

BRICK

What kind of liquid?

EL HEFETTE

It's manteca.

BRICK

What's manteca?

EL HEFETTE

It's lard ok! Are you happy!?

BRICK 

Can I have some?

EL HEFETTE

No.

BRICK

Then, no, I am not happy.

When the Mexicans we were catering for saw me standing on the backside of the grill flipping tortillas for them, tears filled their eyes. However their tears of joy were soon replaced with tears of rage.

THEM

These tortillas are all fucked up! They are burnt on one side and raw on the other! Don't you know you're not supposed to let a whiteboy make tortillas!?

EL HEFETTE

I assure you, this man's incompetence has more to do with his IQ then his skin color.

 Besides, I'm part Mexican

El Hefette and I got nice and dehydrated standing in the sun with a big adobada grill blowing hot air in our faces. Apparently it was pretty obvious we were suffering.

RANDOM GUY

You guys look pretty hot there. You want some Mexican ice cream?

EL HEFETTE

Well we're not really supposed to eat while -

BRICK

Sure! What flavors you got?

RANDOM GUY

Two choices.. cactus or burnt milk.

BRICK 

Hahaha

RANDOM GUY

Why are you laughing?

BRICK

Shit!

When we went back to cooking food, I started smelling a funky sent. I looked down and realized I was standing to close to the grill.

BRICK

Oh fuck! My shirt is melting!

EL HEFETTE

Yup, polyester will do that.

BRICK

I'll have you know it's a cotton blend.

We ended up having to stay late, at which point we were attacked by a heard of mosquitoes. They say mosquitoes go after people with blood that has high levels of sugar. So the gift of Mexican ice cream was actually an act of sabotage!! Well played Random Guy, well played!

Money made from catering job.................................................+ 80

Shirt melting........................................................................... - $10

Gas to drive to Oceanside where the job was ........................ - $ 15

Anti Malaria medicine due to mosquito bites ..................... -$14,216

Net profit ........................................................................-14,161

Getting to eat free tacos when El Hefette wasn't looking.......... totally fucking worth it.

 I think I came out ahead...

*Shout out to Rude Dogg, Ricky, Cuervo, Nacho, Liz, Wendilynn love you all you are my fam!!