The Brick Goes on Shark Tank!

Wuddup peeps?

As y'all know I work at a donut factory. But what you might not know is that I like to harass venture capitalists in my spare time. Most recently, I went on the TV show Shark Tank to pitch one of my inventions to the reality star billionaires. Here's how it went:

          I walked into the studio.

BRICK

Hello, sharks. For legal purposes, I go by Brick.

MR WONDERFUL

Legal purposes??

BRICK

I guess I should say, legal avoidance purposes.

MR WONDERFUL

Go on.

BRICK

I'm here seeking a $250 investment for a 5%  stake in my company, Tone Def.

MR WONDERFUL

Interesting.

BRICK

Shut up. So anyways, the word "deaf" means not able to hear, but it's also used by black people to mean "cool."

          Daymond jumped out of his seat.


BLACK SHARK
Yes!!

BRICK
Thank you, Daymond. Now everyone likes music, but some of us are tone deaf. So I invented Tone Def.


          I pulled the table cloth off my invention.

LORI

What the fuck is that?

ROBERT

It looks like a destroyed synthesizer.

BRICK

You're both right. I ripped out all but two keys off this keyboard thereby making it usable by even the most tone deaf motherfuckers out there. Except the ones that are actually deaf. There's no hope for them. So sharks, who's ready to go def!?

MR WONDERFUL

Is there anything proprietary about your invention?

BRICK

That's what I need the $250 for. I need to pay the patent application fee.

ROBERT

You're retarded! How can you play any songs with only two keys!?

BRICK

Well Robert, statistics show all songs are made of only twelve notes. So I'm sure there's at least a few songs you can play with two.

MARK

You come in here with a face like that... it's very disrespectful to us sharks. I'm out.

BRICK

Thank you for your input Mark, but I'd like to hear what the other sharks have to say.

LORI

You're a moron.

BRICK

Takes one to know one.

BLACK SHARK

Salmonella!

BRICK

It wasn't a question, Daymond.

BLACK SHARK

You're over here talking about grapes, but I don't see you as a health nut. I'm out.

 Maybe I'd of had more success if I wore my Viking hat.

"Cellhelmet pitch on ’Shark Tank’" (CC BY-NC-ND 2.0) by pennstatenews

Small Apartment Problems (a.k.a. brokeass)

ahh to be middle aged and broke again...

Inside the Donut Hole

The donut factory I work for always has me write a lil something for our above titled newsletter. See if you can guess which months these posts were for!!

A Day for Lovers (and retail profits)

So it's Valentine's Day today the perfect time to talk about love and relationships. When you think about it, relationships are a bit like jobs: you might complain when you have one, but if you were to lose your job you would feel like your world came crashing down.

Jobs provide us structure, purpose, and a sense of fulfillment along with of course a means to be able to survive. The same can be said about relationships. While they do require work, and they can be hard to maintain at times, ultimately they give meaning to our lives.

 

Pictured below: the reason we peasants exist.

"factory" (CC BY-NC 2.0) by tetratoon

Money might provide us with the ability to survive, but relationships give us a reason to work so hard, a reason to keep going. As awesome as a view at the top of the mountain might be it only multiplies when you have someone to share it with. As delicious as a well-made meal might taste, it’s way better if you can enjoy it with the person you love.

Leader of Street Gang Rollin 420's Resigns Amongst Alligations of Racism

Hello jackaloons! I'm currently on administrative leave from the donut factory I work at for the pants-less cartwheel incident, so I decided to engage in some B.S. work to keep myself busy: investigative journalism.

Hey! Acting is a serious career!

"reporters" (CC BY-SA 2.0) by Oregon State University

Today's story comes from the mean streets of Temecula where notorious gang leader, Lamar Jackson, resigned as shot caller for the Rollin 420's amidst allegations of racism. 

Wikigangs, a site dedicated to eradicating corrupt gang leaders, released dozens of hacked emails allegedly from Lamar's personal server. The emails reveal frequent use of the N word, referring to women as prostitutes, and a disdain for those in law enforcement.

Earlier today Lamar released the following statement at a press conference: "I deeply regret if my words have offended any of our diverse population who all contribute to the rich cultural tapestry that is America. I will now spend more time with my family and hope I can put this behind me."

  Lamar remembers better days when smiles not systemic racism was 420's unofficial policy. 

"Justin’s Bar Mitzvah" (CC BY 2.0) by emilio labrador

Breaking Janitor

So the dount factory I work for asked me to start writing for our company newsletter, Inside the Donut Hole. I guess the caught wind of my affinity for writing. They also caught wind of my egg sandwich.

Ba dun tssss! I'm here all night, unfortunately.

Since it's January, they asked me to write a piece about new beginnings and motivation and being all you can be etc. Here's what I came up with:

BREAKING JANITOR

Last year right about this time, I was in my “new hire” class with our trainer.  I forget exactly how this conversation came about, but our trainer mentioned that as you grow up you learn that, unless you are lucky enough to be Jay Z or Beyonce, most jobs are “utilitarian”. To be honest, I did not know what that word meant. So I looked it up. Turns out it means something completely different than what I had suspected. (I thought it had something to do with utopia and socialism. )

 You never know where the Iron Hammer will strike! It could be your donut trainer, or your mom!

"Hammer and sickle" (CC BY-NC 2.0) by cesarastudillo

What the word utilitarian actually means is: practical. Our trainer was trying to say most jobs serve a functional purpose; they are not creative. You process paperwork; you don’t write a story. You drive a truck; you don’t race. Once I figured out the meaning of his statement I got to thinking about it. I thought about how you can categorize jobs by varying levels of creativity: