A Tale of Two Bars (East vs West)

Once upon a time, there were two bars on opposite sides of the country. Though located in different cities, they were kindred spirits...

Dawg House, L.A.

One night - wait 5:00 PM counts as night right? Anyways I got a call from Nacho Borracho, "Dude where you at!?"

"Oh you know, a little place I like to call WORK!"

"Well I don't know too much about that. All I know is me, Cuervo, Sal, and Jorge are at the Dawg House, and you need to get your ass down here."

I thought long, and hard and finally responded, "OK."

So I quickly wrapped up my "making responsible choices outside of work" speech to my sales crew, and headed to L.A. to meet up with the boys at the Dawg House. As I walked towards the bar from the parking lot, I saw a gangster looking cat leaning up against the wall of the bar staring me right in the eyes. "I just know this fool's gonna say something," I thought to myself, and I was right.

"Can I see your I.D. sir?" He was the fucking bouncer!!

Once I stepped inside I couldn't see shit. One thing you gotta understand is that the Dawg House isn't just a dive bar, it created dive bar. They straight up didn't give a shit. The floor was concrete, and they didn't even bother to paint it, like "You want a floor? Fuck you! Here's a slab of concrete that's all you get son!"

The only windows they had were painted over ensuring not a drop of natural light would slip in and bother their customers. The floor was like, "Oh the window gets paint!? I see how it is!" Also they had two pool tables but only one had a complete set of pool balls. So if someone else grabbed the full set before you, you would have to wait until they sunk a ball then ask if you could borrow it. So yeah; the motif they went for was definitely "dive."

"You guys think this is what hell's going to be like?"

Stupid Things Chicks Do: Part II (Video)

Oh you thought I was done???

Pick Up Lines I Have Actually Used (and failed with!)

Warning: this post is NOT a "how to"

Email I sent my coworker:

"You're a cutie. If I was buffer and had more money I would totally ask you out, but I just bought some stocks and a gym membership so look out!"

While driving two miles per hour on the crowded strip in Hollywood we saw a hottie walking down the street. My boy Mac yelled out the window: "Hey lady! Go out with me or I'll set you on fire!" Yes, he actually said that.

Did somebody order a pizza ...extra cheeeeeeese? 

  by  hectorir 

Attack of the 5 Foot 10 Inch Human

A few nights ago, I had to take a piss at 4:00 AM. I got out of bed, turned on the light, and headed for the can when I saw a huge spider posted up on the wall behind my desk. I'm talking a bigass, gargantuan mother fucker. Well my desk has one of those shelf headboard things on it, and my crap spread all over any surfaces so to climb on top of it to hit the spider without breaking anything would've been an impossible task.

Fortunately I live in the basement of a house full of rich people, and I'm right next to the laundry room where they keep all the chemicals. I searched and searched for some Raid, but all I could find spray-wise was a bottle of Febreze. Fucking rich people man; they never have any practical shit. Those of us who grew up poor know what the essentials are: duct tape, paper towels, some kind of mulit-tool thing, a bottle opener key chain and Raid. But the more money someone has the less practical shit they own.

You'll be at a rich guys pad...

BRICK

"I need a screwdriver."

MONEY BAGS

"We don't have any screwdrivers."

BRICK

"Then how do you guys screw in screws!?"

MONEY BAGS

"We don't screw in screws."

BRICK

"OK... well I saw a screwdriver in a dude's car on the way over here. Gimme your slim jim."

MONEY BAGS

"We don't have any slim jims."

BRICK

"So how do you jack people's cars?"

MONEY BAGS

"We don't jack people's cars.

BRICK

"Oh."

MONEYBAGS

"Get out of my house."

"Why Brick, you speak such good English for a poor person!"

  by  Tuftronic10000 

 

A Birthday Boy Named Susu

As you now know since I'm now telling you, I wrote an autobiography called Moby Brick. It's not out yet, but should be available in the next three months or so. In the meantime here's a clip about a business birthday dinner gone awry:

I have always had a little problem with alcohol - no, not your typical addiction problem, but rather an instant anger management problem. I.e. I get really pissed off and start fighting despite my naturally calm demeanor. It catches people off guard, and has gotten pretty bad in the past including the time I unintentionally bombed on my own cousin in a fit of drunken rage.

When I was younger, it was a sure thing: if I got drunk, I was going to get pissed and possibly fight. However, as I got older it only happened half the time; the other half I would actually get really happy and sometimes ended up singing and dancing. That was usually when I was around friends and felt comfortable in the environment I was in, but it could always go either way. Therefore every time I drank, had to take it slowly to see which direction my emotions were headed. 

So anyway, one day it was my Japanese boss Susu’s (short for Susumu) birthday and Boss R, Jennifer, a few top producing agents, and all the managers including myself went to a Japanese restaurant to celebrate. Before our food arrived, I was downing beers like an Irishman not realizing that Japanese beers have a high alcohol content. Then all the sudden, a panic hit me as I could feel myself lose control to the inner rage that was about to introduce itself to my bosses and coworkers. 

“No! Not now!” I thought to myself as I quickly reached for my water to reverse the effects of the brews, but it was too late. I stood up and yelled out, “I’m getting pissed off! #&%* this #@^!!!” Then I picked up my chair and slammed it on the ground. If you ever want to make a scene, I recommend doing it at a Japanese restaurant. If it’s anything like the spot we were at, it’ll be filled with really quiet Asians so that your actions won’t be drowned out by loud chatter and you’ll have everyone’s full attention. After rearranging the furniture with passion, I stormed out to walk it off outside. One of my sales agents followed me into the parking lot where I knocked the pack of cigarettes he was offering me out of his hand. But I then finally managed to calm down.

     Why would such a quite people invent such a noisy contraption?

The next day, Susu called me up, “Dude, what happened last night?”

“Well I was sitting in that Japanese restaurant surrounded by Charlie, and I started having flash backs of ‘Nam,” I joked.

“That statement is offensive on so many levels I don’t even know where to begin,” he replied. 

Later on, I met the mother of one of the agents named Johnny Boy who was present that night. One of the first questions she asked me was, “Did you really throw a chair in front of your boss?”

When we were by ourselves I yelled at Johnny Boy, “I can’t believe you told your mom about the chair throwing incident!”

He yelled back, “I can’t believe she told you that I told her!”
 
srqpix  by 

Europa Jr: Blonder, Whiter

The other day a homie and I did an international road trip and crossed the boarder from Europa into Europa Jr. The sea was angry that day my friends. Not that we were anywhere near the sea, but I like to check the sea mood reports online.

"The real question is what did we do to make the sea so angry at us"

  by  BeckyF 

Text Wars!

What's not to love about texting? They say it's a chick thing, but as usual they're wrong. Texting is cool because you respond when you feel like it; you can give short witty replies; and you avoid having in-depth, detailed, and boring conversations. All wit, no drama. Anyways here are some of me and my homies' best text wars...

 DINGBAT MAN

DINGBAT MAN
Wuddup bro

BRICK
Dude what's up? It's been a while.

DM
I know; I miss you like honey baked ham.

BRK
You calling me fat?

DM
No, but I will now: I miss you, you fat bastard!

BRK
*sniff* I got something in my eye ='(

DM
It's probably a piece of residual fat.

BRK
It's called an apostrophe you dumbass!

DM
Those are dangerous; one minute your writing a conjunction, next minute, Bam! You're assaulted by an apostrophe!

BRK
They're all against me.

DM
Look out! Here comes a whole gang of them '''''''''''''''''''''''

BRK
*high pitched scream* I gotta smash my phone!

DM
It's the only way.

BRK
So what you been up to since last time we talked?

DM
Tied the knot with Karen.

BRK
Really? You guys got a pad?

DM
Naw living in her mom's basement for now.

BRK
Well, I'll get you guys a chandelier for your basement as a wedding gift...

 "You have a twat face"  your move now, Dingbat Man! And to think, they kicked me out of debate school.

Stupid Things Chicks Do (Video)

Based on true events...

Europa's Flagrant False Advertising

As an American living in Europa, I have noticed a few cultural differences between us and them. For example due to their hatred of frivolous lawsuits, Europa is full of lies!!! Here, let me show you what I'm talking about...

I'm all for fuel economy but... seriously?

I Have a Dream: Cocaine and a Golf Cart

I'm somebody who has very vivid, involved dreams. I've had so many crazy dreams I can't remember them all including the time I dreamt I was let loose to cause all sorts of damage in a giant mansion made of marble only to get chased around by Herman Munster, or the time I dreamt I insulted the head of the Chinese mafia and spent my whole dream running away from their assassins.

"No freeeeeeeedddoooooom!!" That's their anti-Braveheart victory yell. Yeah you don't want to mess with a people who are that excited about government subjugation.

  by  blmurch