Leader of Street Gang Rollin 420's Resigns Amongst Alligations of Racism

Hello jackaloons! I'm currently on administrative leave from the donut factory I work at for the pants-less cartwheel incident, so I decided to engage in some B.S. work to keep myself busy: investigative journalism.

Hey! Acting is a serious career!

"reporters" (CC BY-SA 2.0) by Oregon State University

Today's story comes from the mean streets of Temecula where notorious gang leader, Lamar Jackson, resigned as shot caller for the Rollin 420's amidst allegations of racism. 

Wikigangs, a site dedicated to eradicating corrupt gang leaders, released dozens of hacked emails allegedly from Lamar's personal server. The emails reveal frequent use of the N word, referring to women as prostitutes, and a disdain for those in law enforcement.

Earlier today Lamar released the following statement at a press conference: "I deeply regret if my words have offended any of our diverse population who all contribute to the rich cultural tapestry that is America. I will now spend more time with my family and hope I can put this behind me."

  Lamar remembers better days when smiles not systemic racism was 420's unofficial policy. 

"Justin’s Bar Mitzvah" (CC BY 2.0) by emilio labrador

Breaking Janitor

So the dount factory I work for asked me to start writing for our company newsletter, Inside the Donut Hole. I guess the caught wind of my affinity for writing. They also caught wind of my egg sandwich.

Ba dun tssss! I'm here all night, unfortunately.

Since it's January, they asked me to write a piece about new beginnings and motivation and being all you can be etc. Here's what I came up with:

BREAKING JANITOR

Last year right about this time, I was in my “new hire” class with our trainer.  I forget exactly how this conversation came about, but our trainer mentioned that as you grow up you learn that, unless you are lucky enough to be Jay Z or Beyonce, most jobs are “utilitarian”. To be honest, I did not know what that word meant. So I looked it up. Turns out it means something completely different than what I had suspected. (I thought it had something to do with utopia and socialism. )

 You never know where the Iron Hammer will strike! It could be your donut trainer, or your mom!

"Hammer and sickle" (CC BY-NC 2.0) by cesarastudillo

What the word utilitarian actually means is: practical. Our trainer was trying to say most jobs serve a functional purpose; they are not creative. You process paperwork; you don’t write a story. You drive a truck; you don’t race. Once I figured out the meaning of his statement I got to thinking about it. I thought about how you can categorize jobs by varying levels of creativity:

Top 5 Movies You've Never Heard Of

I'm bored today, so I thought I'd make a list of my top five underrated movies...


5) HARD EIGHT

Despite staring the big shot names of John C Reilly, Samuel L. Jackson, and Gwyneth Paltrow, no one I've ever talked to about this movie has even heard of it. It's set at a slow pace, and I can see why it didn't become a commercial success. However the movie has a profound moral told in a chilling way: a man's personality and demeanor says nothing about his true character. The final scene is the most simplest and mundane of gestures performed by the main character which seals the point home in a single stroke of genius.  

4) BUFFALO 66

This movie is the perfect embodiment of frustration and deep inner rage topped with the frosting of desperation for approval that only those of of us who were unloved by our parents can ever fully relate to. Everyone else probably thinks the main character is a fucking asshole. They might not be wrong, but the movie is rife with humor to help you not hate the main character too much and does in the end have a surprisingly positive message. Also it stars Christina Ricci after she put a little meat on and looks hot AF.

Neil DeGrasse Tyson; Not So Scientific

I love science. I think it's awesome. Not only has it given us useful technology, badass entertainment, and life-saving advances in medicine, but I find it fascinating in and of itself. I am especially interested in quantum physics. The developments in this field combine reality with our craziest dreams as they break down our whole universe into a two dimensional existence produced in its entirety by quantum vibrating strings.

But despite my love of science, I don't worship it. And I certainly don't limit the scope of my learning, and personal growth to only those things that exist within the realm of scientifically valid facts. I'd be dead if I did. After all science is just a method. It is as flawed as its practitioner, has many limitations, and is subject to bias and human manipulation, and skewed perceptions.

"Science" by definition again is nothing more than a method. It is the best vehicle for human intellect and therein lies its permanent limitation: it can only go as far as human intellect can take it. But as they say, "we don't know what we don't know." That might sound so obvious it doesn't need to be said. But don't confuse it for an idiotic saying such as "it is what it is." The fist saying is a truly profound statement when you take the time to think about what it really means. The second saying is meaningless gibberish.

There are, in my opinion, truths that exists outside the scope of human intellect. This doesn't mean we can't become aware of them and apply them in our lives, it just means that we cannot detect them with our intellect. We therefore have to be open to other avenues of perception to learn about these truths. It's kind of like the color infrared. Just because infrared exists outside of the scope of our vision doesn't mean it isn't real. It just means we have to learn about it by other means than searching for it with our eyes.

Unless you're these guys.

"through thick glasses" (CC BY 2.0) by  rocketjim54 

New from Apple: the i-aSISt

In defiance of the FBI, Apple has announced a new product they will be launching this Spring: the i-aSISt.

"organic i-pod shuffle" (CC BY 2.0) by  asboluv 

 

This new "super encrypted" product, is shaped like an apple to camouflage the fact that it is a fully functional electronic communication device with wifi capabilities. 

We asked, Todd Johnson, head of Apple's design team if shaping an Apple product like an apple was a bit cliche. "What? Oh I never thought of that. I shaped it like an apple because that's what I use to smoke weed in public incognitolly. Wait, is that a word?"

We don't know Todd, we don't know.

"The i-aSISt has been designed to assist those who need a well hidden, encrypted device such as individuals or organizations involved in covert operations," said Apple spokesman Timmy O'Tool.

When asked if there is a risk the device will be used by criminals and  nefarious entities such as ISIS to help them execute horrendous acts of terrorism, Tool replied, "We are not in the business of stopping mass shootings."

Tool may have a point. Inside sources have told us that Evil makes up a pretty significant market share of Apple.

Leaked Apple pie chart not so sweet

All we can say is some plagiarized words of our enemies, "capitalist will sell you the rope to hang him with." And with that, we're out!

 "How you like dem apples!!"

"Matt Damon Waving" (CC BY-SA 2.0) by  theglobalpanorama 

*Don't forget to check out my book, Moby Brick! 

The Joe Rogan Factor

Evolving Truth

I am a full on Catholic; like don't eat meat on Fridays, church every Sunday (after sobering up from Saturday) believe in purgatory Catholic. So do I think humans started with Adam and Eve, and that angels came down from heaven and made love to the "daughters of Eve" to create human/angel hybrids, and that God walked the Earth and placed a giant, flaming, rotating sword at the base of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil?

Common sense tells me these things never happened. Course I don't know for sure; I wasn't there. Jesus taught His disciples using parables i.e. stories that didn't actually happen but that have valuable lessons none the less. I think some of the Old Testament if not all of it was parables from God. They may never have actually happened, but that doesn't make their lessons any less valuable.

Although I'm really hoping the whole confession absolves your sins stuff is for real.

Brick vs the Sea (the day the ocean dieded)

The other day, my homie Donnie B and I decided to go kayaking in New Port Beach. We picked New Port because apparently there is a bay there that is super easy to drop a kayak in. So we went to said bay, dropped the kayak, and started paddling out. It was fun at first but then it got kind of boring.

When bored snap a selfie..

Mind your T's

So today I left work early (read: on time) so I could make sure to get to my first day of speech class on time. I jumped in my car and hauled ass almost killing three people. But made it on time - only to be permanently kicked out of the class. Yes, the very first week of the semester and I already got 86'ed!! You want to know why they would kick out a self-proclaimed, super genius like myself?? Here's why!!!:

TTH

Don't know what the fuck that means? Welcome to the club! TTH. That's not a typo. That, according to oh-so-smarter-than-tho academia's class schedule, apparently means Tuesdays and Thursdays.

No, not fuck you Jonah Hill, fuck academia!! Fuck them hard with a coconut. Did you know that you could write the most prolific essay in the history of mankind and those assholes will lower your grade or even refuse your paper all together simply because you didn't use the right formatting?

"Well," you reply, "they are just perfectionists." Right. I would believe you except for the fact that they're so fucking lazy that they shortened Tuesdays and Thursdays to:

TTH


Like seriously dude, you couldn't do this:


Tue - Thr


or even fucking this:


T - TH

Is it too much trouble to add a clarifying dash mr professor!? You have too many mind blowing dissertations to write? Not an ounce of ink to spare??

Off the Rails..

I moved around a lot as a kid. I spent ages 2-7 in West LA off Sepulveda and National. To this date, that has been the longest stretch of time I've ever lived in one city. So I like to think of it as my home town. Last weekend I stayed the night with some friends on the Westside.

The next morning I thought I'd pay a visit to my old stompin grounds since it was close by and drove to a park I used to play at all the time. I wanted to find the rock that me and my best friend Omar used to love to play with. No we weren't mentally challenged. It was actually a giant man-made rock that was meant to be a sort of creative jungle gym for kids.

It was so much fun to climb it and fight for dominance with the other kids. We could play on that thing for what seemed like hours. That was about two decades ago though, so I wasn't sure if it would still be there. But as I rolled up to the park I could see that it was.

My heart jumped at the thought of climbing back up on my precious rock, hoping no one was going to call the cops as I shoved their kids once again attempting to be King of the Rock. It turns out I didn't have to worry about that.

See Afghanis? Living in rubble ain't so bad, if you shape it the right way...